Give me my moments

IMY.

2011-09-03T20:50:00.004+08:00

I miss Nasruddin.

We didn't go out a lot. Usually he'd just ride over since his place and workplace is so close to my house. We didn't do a lot of activities. Usually we'd sit together and talk and tease or eat. But those were what mattered. Time together, knowing each other, laughing together with little distractions. Those were the things I missed most. And of course the never ending texts..

I miss him coming round to my place before/after work and during his off days just to see me. How there's a bounce in my steps going down to meet him.

I miss sitting at the void deck with him with the breeze blowing gently. Now, whenever I come home from somewhere and reach my void deck, I look around, imagining his bike, him sitting, hunched over his phone, waiting for me.

I miss seeing him in his uniform. Always so sexy and sets my heart aflutter.

I miss being teased by him. How he would laugh at me.

I miss that one time he told me that he brought my little 'love' note with him to Malaysia in case he misses me.

I miss that night he came to surprise me and whisk me away for supper. I almost came down in my pajamas pants. We ended up spending the night after that talking at the beach. I love the getting to know part. I love how he'd sat close to me and looked over my shoulder as I showed him something on my phone. Or his phone. How he'd smelled my hair without me knowing.

I miss him in his low slung jeans that had to be folded at the ankles, together with his slippers. I know I can't really stand slippers, but he persistently came with them. I can't remember when my feelings for him overrode my dislike of slippers. I miss his soft soles.

I miss his face. Everything about it. I miss his eyes. I've always thought they looked like he's always smiling. I miss his smile.

I miss his hands and arms. I always get weak in the knees and butterflies will appear in my tummy when guys touch and play with my hands. Of course, I'd never let them know that. I love how his hands are big, how it had felt so capable and strong and tough.

I miss watching him try to eat rice with chopsticks. I'm laughing just picturing it in my mind.

I miss that night when he met me at my void deck after his stint as a medic at Wild Wild Wet bearing chocolate and coffee mousse. We had shared the desserts and ended up playing with them, smearing them on our faces.

I miss how he'd bring me along, meeting his friends.

I miss that one time he asked permission from his paramedic to come to work late so that he could spend some time with me after my work. And then helping him carry all the takeaways for his colleagues. And him riding all the way into the fire station. Being greeting by the crew on shift and getting teased. It was embarrassing but I loved the attention.

I miss riding with him and talking with him all night long. That was the first time I was able to put my arms around him. I wonder how he had felt.

Most of all, I miss just being with him. I miss our talks, his smile, his laugh, how he'd make me laugh. I miss being so close to him that I have to thank God for self-control. I miss his words to me. I miss the hugs he gave me.

Dear God, I miss him so much. =(

Dear Diary, I guess I am able to get over Hazali (see prev posts).

My Medic

2011-04-16T14:23:00.001+08:00

I miss him. I miss my medic, Nasruddin.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.8

Update.

2010-12-23T18:30:00.005+08:00

Hanyalah Tuhan saja bisa menentukan semua
Kesabaran daku menantimu
Ku tetap memaafkan dan berdoa kau kembali
Sebelum diri melangkah pergi

I've been stupid. I fell for his charms once again, and once again I hoped for something good to come out of it. I'm back to reading "He's just not that into you" again. And I really think this is it. I'm sick of his disappearing acts in my life. I'm sick of falling prey to his charms. I'm sick of having my hope crushed every single time. I've had it. I think this time I'm really going to rid him from my life. Obviously he's just not that into me and if he think he can find someone better, so be it.

I deserve better too...

School has been fine. So many assignments and projects. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE GROUP LEADER! I can't lead. I end up bearing the brunt of the work not because I hate group work or that I want all the credit, but because I don't know how or what to delegate for them to do. I worry that I would be asking too much from them and that I give them too much work.

Actually I came here to vent my strong feelings against children abuse. I was SO MAD to the point of tears when I heard or read about news of children abuse. But the song I'm playing on repeat has soothed my anger. I am still mad though when I think back of the stories. I hate the abuser so much to the extent that I go blind with rage. Literally. I couldn't see anything that I can remember when I get that angry. Hot tears would spring to my eyes though. Maybe that's the cause that everything got blur.

I'm really pissed. All the abusers should be caught and tortured and then sentenced to death no matter if the kid is still alive or not. Worst still if the kid dies because of the abuse. I really want to stress on the torture part. They're being let off too easily by being sentenced to death. I think they should get triple of what they'd done to the kids. But then again, God will do the works once the abusers die anyway.

Just So You Know.

2010-07-13T20:37:00.002+08:00

Dear Diary,

Something bad happened between him and me. No, we didn't fight. There were no heated arguments, no raised voices. But.. it has finally dawned on me that it's really over. Like, nothing could ever happen. Ever. He's confused, and he's confusing me.

He only sees me as a friend and only wants to be a friend to me, but when asked if he treats me like he treats his friends, the answer was no. What am I then?

Oh my God.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. If this kind of situation (my love problem) was a scenario in a "How are you when it comes to relationship?" quiz, and if the options were,

A: Call and text him everyday and beg him till he realizes that you're the one for him.
B: Be patient, follow his time, go with the flow, and wait for him till he realizes you're the one.
C: Get over him and find someone else who'd love for you to be around and treats you well.
D: Kill yourself,

and if it was in the year 2004, when I was 16 years old, when I was emotionally-innocent, never had a boyfriend, when I haven't met him, my answer would have been 'C'. To hell with a guy who doesn't treat me right. I deserve better.

But, November 2008 came, and I met him, feelings and emotional roller-coaster ever since. Until last Sunday, my answer changed to 'B'. I was sure I could wait and just be content with being with him, no need to meet his friends or family if he doesn't want me to, let him hold the string tied to my heart that I'm wearing on my sleeve. Sometimes, he'd let go, but I always had that tiny spark of hope that he'd reach for me when I'm going just out of reach.

Last Sunday came and went and I realized how contradicting he was. When he asked if I think he was using me, I was surprised that I couldn't look him in the eye and answer straight away. I wanted to yell at him, tell him how ridiculous his words were. But I know after the first word that comes out of my mouth, I'd break down and cry. And I HATE to talk and cry at the same time, making the words sound round, and you just look so ugly with the corners of your lips turned down. So I just kept quiet. In bed, it dawned on me that it really is over. I realized that even if he was for me, I wasn't for him, that he makes me very happy but I can't make him happy enough.

For a moment, I blamed his ex-girlfriend for ruining him for me. For making him so afraid of commitment, so afraid to open up. But then I thought of the first time we met. He liked me enough to actually consider having me around in the future. And then he went missing. And I shifted the blame to myself, thinking if I did something else, if I hadn't done this or that, we'd be having a 2nd anniversary or something. But then I thought, what I did that I thought made him run wasn't life-threatening, it wasn't hurtful, wasn't intentional. Sigh... I don't know what to think or who to blame anymore. I still wished he had never met his ex though.

Whatever. The main point is, it's over. And the thing that kinds of brings relief to me despite knowing that I can't have him, is that my hope is flickering. Unlike last time, when I think of how one day he'll contact me back and wants to see me again, the thought quickly disappears, brushing it away from my mind, my hope for him is finally fading to complete blackness, the days of me pining for him is ending.

Am I finally healing?

Why?

2010-07-07T16:32:00.002+08:00

Oh no.

I feel like crying.

Please. Stop.

I've never been much of a crier, until about 2 years back.

Ouch, ouch, OUCH!

All My Life.

2010-06-27T16:06:00.003+08:00

All my life I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I finally found you
All my life I prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too.

You Can't Hurry Love.

2010-06-25T17:47:00.003+08:00

I need love, love to ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine

But mama said you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
I can't hurry love, no, you'll just have to wait
You've gotta trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

How many heartaches must I stand
Before I find the love to let me live again
Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on
When I feel my strength, yeah it's almost gone

I remember mama said
You can't hurry love
No you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
How long must I wait, how much more must I take
Before loneliness, will cause my heart, heart to break?

No, I cant bear to lve my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
These precious words keep me hangin' on

I remember mama sayin' you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
I can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes, gotta wait!

No love, love don't come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that soft voice
To talk to me at night
For some tender arms to hold me tight
I keep waiting, I keep on waiting
But it ain't easy (it ain't easy)
No, you know it ain't easy

When mama said
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said, trust give it time, no matter how long it takes
You can't hurry love, no, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy it's a game of give and take

Airplanes.

2010-06-18T22:00:00.004+08:00

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now,
A wish right now,
A wish right now.

I've cooked 2 dishes two days in a row. It's traditional Malay dishes, so nothing surprising. Just wanted to learn the basics first. You know.. just in case.

Yesterday I cooked Daging Masak Kicap. It was good. As in, acceptable, not bad for a first-timer. Today I cooked Ayam Masak Lemak Cili Padi. Again, I passed.

I want to bake some brownies tomorrow. From scratch. Not from the prepackaged boxes you see on the shelves of supermarkets. Chocolate Fudge Brownies.

Hmm.. I really don't know what to type about. It's just a distraction from thinking about stuff. I just wanna get rid of the feelings eating away at my heart.

After a long pause...

While watching Prince of Persia, he said he wants the dagger, to turn back time. Well, so do I. I probably want it more than him. I've been wishing to turn back time so that I could change things and not be so depressed like I am today. But everyone knows that impossible, turning back the time I mean.

Go away.

2010-06-17T13:21:00.000+08:00

I think I'm suffering from depression.

Composition.

2010-06-16T18:16:00.002+08:00

I don't have much to do today. I'm just loving the weather. It would be awesome if I had the house all to myself, turn on a movie or two on my flat screen, have a cup of hot chocolate in my hands while I cuddle up under a comforter on a couch.

My sisters are at home. I have no movie I wanna watch (except for PS I Love You, but I'm currently reading the book, so I'm waiting to finish it first). I'm too lazy to make a cup of hot chocolate because there's really nothing cosy about sitting on a couch staring at a blank TV screen.

So I'm on my tummy on my bed instead, typing up an entry because I felt like writing a composition. You know like for English period in school. But to think of it, I have nothing to compose.

I cried yet again last night while praying to God. He hurt me yet again. He must be really tired to misinterpret everything I say and snap at me about it. To tell you the truth, I'm getting pretty sick of it. I don't know why I'm still putting up with it. Every time he snaps at me, instead of answering back like I want to, I'd swallow my mean words and try to make everything right again. Which doesn't really help cuz he's kinda hard-headed. I don't know why I make him feel like he's God. To think of it, out of all the times I got hurt by him, it's either he doesn't care or he doesn't notice, cuz he never apologizes. God, I'm just sick of it. But that's only now. Wait till I'm nearing my menstrual cycle and you'll see how depressed I'd get. It's pathetic.

All I want is to be loved back. I wanna feel light on my toes, smile for no reason, have the butterflies flutter in my tummy till I feel like shitting.

I'm getting by with God to talk to. He calms me. I've got my books which distracts me from thoughts that I'd rather not mull about. It's my escape. Like how some people sleep it off, I read.

Did I tell you I love the weather today? It's been raining on and off and is cloudy and dark and gloomy and cool the whole day. It's perfect.

Baby boy.

2010-06-12T08:18:00.002+08:00

Previous night, I dreamt that I was about 4 months pregnant. In it, instead of feeling joy, I felt scared. Maybe it's got to do with the fact that in the dream, I wasn't married with a husband. And although there was a guy in my dreams, I felt that the baby wasn't his. I didn't know who the father was. I'm not promiscuous at all. I just happened to be pregnant. I was fearful of what the guy and my family would think.

My quickened heart rate didn't slow down even after I woke up. To describe the feeling, I'd say it's the kind of feeling when you wake suddenly in the wee hours of the morning thinking you're late for an important meeting. The sudden pick up of the heart made you feel like vomiting and hyperventilating.

At work last night, I held an adorable baby boy in my arms. He was almost falling asleep, suckling his pacifier. How my heart yearned for my own. When my friend asked if I wanted a baby or if I'm ready for one, I was surprised at my quick answer, "Yes", and the longing feeling that rushed over me.

Back from Phuket, Thailand.

2010-05-18T14:57:00.004+08:00

I went on a vacation to Phuket, Thailand and I had quite a blast.

The first day, when we reached our hotel, we were disappointed. And that was even before we stepped into our hotel room. The hotel was sandwiched between two massage parlor and everyday we'll see the women in their colour-coded sarongs sitting outside the parlor persuading passers-by to get a massage. The lobby was small. But it wasn't the smallest lobby I've stepped into before.

And then we get to our room. My jaw dropped and we started laughing in disbelief. It was SO not what we thought it would be like. In the pictures, the room looked big. It was a suite afterall. But when we opened the door, it was quite cramped. The balcony was so tiny, there weren't a thought of hanging out there. Oh, by the way, did I mention that to get to our room, we had to take the stairs? Yea. The lift only serviced the other side of the building. So up and down two flights of winding stairs we had to encounter at least 4 times a day. But we got used to it, and came to accept our room. It was passable.

Over the 4 days and nights, we did activities and sightseeing. We did most of our shopping in the night markets where it's relatively cheap and bargaining for a cheaper price is possible.

One of my friends and I did bungee jumping! I still can't believe I did that. I keep thinking back on the experience. The staff wrapping our calves really tight together with long rubber bands until I swore when they removed it, I could feel the warm flow of blood filling up the cappillaries in my toes, turning them from purple to pink. The long minutes as they bring us up 50m up above a lagoon surrounded by lush tropical green. We couldn't believe how fast it was, from the moment we reached the place by van and ending up standing hugging each other over the edge of the tower, seconds from our plunge. I was petrified. I took sometime to let go of the railings so that the staff can push us off the edge. And when finally my fingers released the railing and clutched my other hand desperately wrapped for dear life around my friend, the staff held us and rocked us gently back and forth, counting 3-2-1 and pushed us off! I screamed in sheer terror all the way till the end. It was definitely thrilling. I only opened my eyes after we were bouncing up and down. Very terrifying. As they led us back to the ground, I had tears in my eyes and my hair was in a mess and my legs seemed incapable of holding my weight as I stood upright. Oh my God. That was the most expensive thing I spent in my entire trip. We got a certificate of courage. Haha.

Besides that, we went to a shooting range where if they hadn't given us the ear muffs, I would have gone deaf. The pistol was surpisingly heavy. Very different from the toys I used to have when I was little. Well, it was very cool.

The third day of our trip we spent half the day island hopping. We went to this island and that island in a luxury boat, stopping for a dip in the sea, or for snorkeling while feeding the fishes. There was the Maya Beach, Phi Phi Island, Viking cave, etc. The views were fantastic. The food provided was good. And the co-captain (or at least one of the leaders of the tour group) knows my name. Haha.

On the forth day, we spent the day going around Phuket to the viewpoints. We had the best driver named Tossapon, whom we call Pon. Not only does he drive well, he's funny and adorable and takes good pictures. He's very helpful, from helping us 'climb' up and down a rocky mountain at Promthep Cape, to taking our pictures a million times, to showing us the best souvenir shop. Though he's on the shy and quiet side, he hardly hesitates to take plenty of pictures together with us, just him with us girls. He's young, about 24, younger than my three friends, older than me, so they all kind of treat him like a little brother. He seemed innocent enough, with no girlfriends in mind, having the goal to get a house and make some money first before getting one. So anyway, the viewpoints were awesome!! The view of the islands and the sea from the top of a cliff was breathtaking. The sunset was amazing. I was in such awe. I especially love the viewpoint at Promthep Cape. Not only was the journey to the cliffside challenging, with me slipping on the rocks and pebbles many times, but the view there was picture perfect, fit for a postcard. It was a lucky thing that the weather was good on that day. It was humid but the sun didn't beat us down with it's relentless rays like it did while we island hop the day before. We could have suffered from heatstroke and dehydration from climbing up and down the mountain if it was a cloudless, sunny day. We were exhausted when we got back to the main road. But we had so much fun.

That night, we explored a stretch of road full of club houses and pubs. There were pole dancing, women (he-she) clad it little tight dresses dancing on a podium, those sort of thing. It kind of freaked me out a little. That road was busy and crowded and it was only 9pm. After that, we had a late dinner with Pon at a seafood restaurant. Yummy! Yea, we invited Pon along cuz we really liked him.

Pon picked us up from the hotel in the morning to drive us to the airport. He remembered that we wanted to buy some Thai tidbits and made a stopover at one of the shops on the way to the airport. I was utterly and deeply touched when he gave each of us a gift before saying goodbye at the airport. It was so sweet of him and I really didn't expect it. Sigh...

Each time I leave a place where I spent my vacation, there are sure things and moments that would make my heart so heavy before I get on the flight back home.

And now it's back to reality and back to work. How horrible is my life?

The Last Song.

2010-05-13T19:10:00.003+08:00

Too many guys simply rolled over these days, thinking that being nice was all that mattered. And it did matter, but not if the guy equated being nice with being a doormat. I liked the fact that a guy would take me fishing, for example, even though I wouldn't be enthusiastic about it. It's his way of telling me, "This is who I am, and this is what I enjoy, and of all the people I know right now, I want to enjoy this experience with you." Too often, when a guy asked me out, he picked me up without the slightest idea of what to do or where to go, eventually forcing me to come up with the plan. There was something so wishy-washy and clueless about that. He was anything but wishy-washy, and I couldn't help liking him for that.

I was struck by the thought that this was the man with whom I'd like to face the future. I know I'm too young for such thoughts and am under no illusion that I was even considering marriage, but somehow I felt that if I had met him ten years from now, he might be the one. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is not whether he was good for a few dates; it was whether he was the kind of man I could imagine spending time with over the long haul.

There are guys who grow up thinking they'll settle down some distant time in the future, and there are guys who are ready for marriage as soon as they meet the right person. The former bore me, mainly because they're pathetic; and the latter, quite frankly, are hard to find. But it's the serious ones I'm interested in, and it takes time to find a guy like that whom I'm equally interested in. I mean, if the relationship can't survive the long term, why on eath would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?

The Lucky One.

2010-03-25T22:00:00.002+08:00

He is a wonderful man. And when a man is that special, you know it sooner than you think possible. You recognize it instinctively, and you're certain that no matter what happens, there will never be another one like him.

Common sense.

2010-03-05T03:10:00.002+08:00

It's deeply unfashionable to admit to wanting to marry into money, of course. It's the implication of calculated greed that people don't like. But all women will weigh up a prospective partner's wealth if they're really honest. Which would you rather, the date who takes you somewhere fancy for dinner and picks up the tab, or the geezer who takes you down the pub and tells you it's your round? I mean, come on. It'a a no-brainer. Some psychologists will even tell you that women are biologically programmed to look for a man with money. Not all women are chasing billionaires, but unconsciously all women look for a mate who is strong, reliable and able to support their children. Ultimately it's got nothing to do with love and everything to do with a biological urge: find a man who can provide for you and your nippers.

-Lucy Broadbent from What's Love Got To Do With It?

Well, I for one, agree to that. To a certain extent, of course. I definitely want a man who's able to take care of me financially. I want to know that I don't have to worry about the fees when I send my kids to music classes and ice skating lessons and tuitions. I want to know that I can afford a car to drive my kids every where and myself to work. I want to know that I can give birth to as many kids as I'm blessed with or maybe even adopt some because I have the money to raise them. I want to know that I'm able to hire a day housekeeper to keep the house clean twice a week.

On the other hand, I'd LOVE to have someone to love who loves me back with all their hearts. I love to have romantic evenings together and experience the tingling sensation when we touch and the joyous swell in my heart every morning I wake up with him next to me or when he comes home from work. I'd love to know that even with money, my kids are not spoilt brats. I'd love to know that I have love and am in love even with tonnes of money.

Some say love conquers all. But I have difficulty believing that I can survive with love and a 3-digit in my back account. Trying to pay off bills, working my ass off, getting pissed with each other when money matters come up.

Hmm.. I wonder how many digits there would be in my future husband's bank account. That's only if I find a husband. My soul mate could have probably died and I'm gonna grow old a spinster. Such an ugly word.

My Wedding.

2010-02-28T11:43:00.007+08:00

I'd love to have my wedding in a castle. A partially ruined castle, full of mystique and charm and history.

The castle is set on a vast land on a highland where the ground is carpeted with soft dewy grass that stretches as far as the eye can see, sloping gradually into the horizon, and clusters of purple morning glories, red ixoras, and white queen anne's lace littered all over. Roses, daisies, lilies and sunflowers surrounds the outer wall of the castle, making a break at the entrance, where a drawbridge lay open across a moat where clear water runs, home of many colourful kois. Birds soar through the air, which is clean, fresh and cool, where each breath you take wipes 5 years of pollution from your lungs.

(Yes, a moat AND a drawbridge.)

The atmosphere pre-arrival of the bride and groom is lively as guests begin to come in and their children start to run about playing catch with each other or chasing butterflies. The helpers, maids and servants in crisp black and white uniforms bustle about the castle preparing for the event. Guests are called into the castle as my new husband and I are about to arrive, mostly lining up inside the archway into the inner courtyard, and some on the towers looking down.

My husband and I would ride up the dirt road leading us up to the entrance on a rich brown horse, accompanied by men dressed as knights on their own steed, in front and behind us. As we reach the drawbridge, trumpets resonated through the castle announcing our arrival, and people will wave and clap and whoop with excitement and approval.

(On a horse, not a carriage.)

We stop at the foot of the steps that leads up to the Great Hall where the reception is taking place. Maids remove my hooded cloak. We walk up the steps, arms linked, and stop by the entrance of the hall to receive and welcome our guests as they enter and proceed to their tables for a grand feast. I'm wearing a dress that is inspired by medieval Britain, an empire-line dress made from beautiful Thai silk with a flowing silk chiffon overskirt and sleeves, a medium train and on-the-shoulder neckline. The neckband, waist and sleeves are embroidered with celtic inspired knotwork, and the dress is tied by ribbon up the back. My man, simple white long-sleeved shirt, loosely belted at the waist, open at the neck, black breeches tucked into black boots, and maybe a real sword hanging at the hips.

(It's a reception. Solemnization was the day before, done elegantly in a mosque.)

In the Great Hall things are slightly modernised and personal. Clothed round tables are scattered around the hall, leaving space in the middle for a goldenrod-coloured carpet running up to a wide space of parqueted flooring, that is the dance floor. Slightly beyond, is a dais where a table is set for the wedding couple and the family. The hall is nicely lit by a huge crystal chandelier and the candles on the tables. As the guests settle into their seats, the air buzzing with excited conversations, punctuated by happy laughters, glasses tinkering as the waiters begin to pour sparkling juice, all against a background of light music, thanks to a small orchestra and a singer playing on a platform at the corner in front of the hall, my husband and I went to freshen up and change outfits.

(Juice, cuz I don't drink. And I don't want drunkards at my wedding.)

I'm donned in a white or very light metallic gold rich satin gown with a train, a square neckline and lacy sleeves. It's ruched a little at the waist and little crystals adorn the bodice and tapers down to the skirt. And white gloves that reach up till my elbow. My husband is wearing a long black tail coat over cream double buttoned vest, a white shirt with a cravat tied at the neck, and fawn-coloured pair of breeches tucked into dark brown boots.

The guests stand and cheer as he leads me up the carpet from the back of the warmly lit hall to the dais. We stand in front of our table where our family has already been seated and make a short happy, grateful speech. The singer, acting as an emcee as well, makes a toast, and we begin the feast. It's a multiple course dinner where the menu touches dishes from different cultures: Malay, Chinese, Indian, Italian, Western, etc. The food is amazing.

(Dishes are served in moderate and appropriate amounts, of course.)

Love songs are playing live in the background. You can hear conversations, children laughing, cutleries on plates and bowls, glasses tinkling, muted footsteps of the waiters going around serving the guests, the occassional gasps as beautifully arranged dishes are brought forward, cameras clicking. The atmosphere is lively, light and happy, you can sense the awe and satisfaction of the guests, everyone is looking beautiful in the candlelight.

There's a break from eating and my husband and I surprise everyone with a dance or two that we've planned. And then as other dishes are served, instead of resuming eating, we walk about the hall to each table and have a light chat with friends and families, hugs and kisses peppered in, lights flashing as we take photos.

After the last dish has been served and cleared and the guests are having a rest with a sip or two of the juice, my husband and I left again for another change of clothes. This time something less formal. I don't really know what he's gonna wear but I'm wearing a mint green, loose fitting, knee length dress that features a high neck halter neckline with thin straps that cross the open back. Ruched fabric accentuates the bust line and the empire waist is accented with sparkling beadwork.

As we run up the steps to the doors of the hall, spotlights shine at us as we skipped up to the dancefloor. The lights are dimmed further and colourful flashes of lights start to swing across the room and the orchestra are joined by a band and they start a catchy, upbeat song. The emcee yells into the microphone and get the guests up on their feet to the dancefloor. And the party begins.

---------------------------THE END-----------------------------

Hahaha. God, how I wish.

Nerd.

2010-02-27T11:41:00.000+08:00

My social skills definitely suck. I'm pretty much anti-social.

I don't do well with people.

2010-02-24T21:14:00.003+08:00

I don't do well with people. I hardly start a conversation. I can't find anything interesting to talk about. I seldom have a good story to tell. I don't have any wise words to say like those you see in Grey's Anatomy. I don't like to serve. I think people should get what they want themselves. I don't do anything kick-ass or anything worth remembering.

I don't ask people out. I don't join in a group photo shot unless I'm asked to. I can't find anything to comment on what others are saying. I don't have any good skills or talent. I'm not even pretty.

More often than not, I think I'm weird. I think people don't like me. I think people disagree with anything I say. I think I have an attitude. I think I'm average. I'm not outstanding and should I disappear or leave, no one will notice or remember or miss me.

I don't do well with people. Each time I come to a new place, I think maybe this time there are people who'll like me, who will want to be my friend. But each time there is someone friendlier, more talented, smarter, prettier, more likable than me. And every time, I'll lose people. Each time, I'd wish to move on to somewhere new. But the thought of being the newbie, the stranger, and having to start all over again getting to know new people scares me.

I know if I have the passion and be amazing at my job, I'll succeed with my career. My patients will like me, or at least not find a fault in me. I won't get scolded by my superiors. But what kind of a life would I have?

What I need is someone who's like me. Dark and twisty. Average. Down with their luck. Or what I want is to go around the world, exploring, help kids in third world countries, have no care in the world.

Ugh. Whatever.

Sometimes, I think I hate people. Especially those happy, cheerful people. And then some. Why can't people be what they said. They gossip and talk about other people, even people in their clique. And then they go and be all friendly to them. What's this? First you hate them, mad at them but then become all laughing and happy with them.

Really. Whatever.

What it's like to be a doctor.

2010-01-07T08:40:00.004+08:00

I got distracted while having a shower,
That I almost squeezed my facial wash onto my toothbrush
Instead of toothpaste.

I wonder what it's like to be a doctor.

To really be a doctor. To possess all that knowledge, storing them in the brain, from the values of blood results to the amount of the drugs that are to be given to the names of the bones in the human's anatomy. To pick out the signs and symptoms and put it all together and come up with a diagnosis that some can't even pronounce. To know the pathophysiology of diseases and the treatments that are ought to be done, at the fingertips. To put in practice the skills taught, from inserting an IV to stitching a wound close to manipulate and reduce broken or dislocated bones. To be able to prescribe medicines and give legal medical certificates.

To have the respect and adoration, even fear, from patients for just being a doctor. To earn all that money.

Only You Know Me.

2010-01-03T22:09:00.005+08:00

Since you went away
My heart breaks everyday
You don't know cuz you're not here..

I think I can't get over Hazali. Knowing him has made other relationships I've had after that horrible. I want to go back to when I was innocent, where I never knew what liking someone so much felt like.

Oh well.

Work has been fine. I don't know if the reason is due to the arrival of my period, but sometimes I feel so patient, like I don't mind attending to patients, when they interrupt me in the middle of something. Anyway, I've begun to realize that I like resus cases. I just have to concentrate on that one patient (or depends how many came at the same time) and try not to displease any doctors in there. I don't really have to deal with the parents. No distractions/interruptions from other patients. Quickly stabilize the resus patients, and off they go to whoever I'll handover too. And time passes quickly too. The only time I hate resus is when I'm not involved. Then while the resus team go resuscitate the patient, there'll be less staff to deal with the crowd.

I've been driving more often. I love driving! No. More like I love speeding! I love driving in the early hours of the morning and the late hours of the night. The roads are practically empty and I can press down on the accelerator without having to slow down anytime soon. The thrill is awesome! I just prefer a faster car. A car that doesn't take 11 seconds to reach 100km/hr. Haha.

I'm thinking of lots of going out of Singapore this year. I just don't know if I have the time to decide the place, the time, and stuff.

Argh!

I left a book on top of the car and drove off.

2009-12-14T08:37:00.003+08:00

OH. MY. GOD.

I lost my newly bought, truly loved 'NEW MOON' book. I shall begin my story and describe to you the theory on how I lost my beloved book.

I finished 'TWILIGHT' and I loved it to the core. I couldn't stand to wait another day for Lailee to pass me the second book 'NEW MOON'. So I went ahead to buy one for myself. And I can hardly tear myself away from it.

I've been driving to work last couple of days (post-purchase of book). So when I get to the car, there's the car key on one hand, the bag on the other shoulder, and the book on the other hand. And when I open the car door, sometimes the lot is squeezy with other cars next to mine, so sometimes I'm struggling just to get in the driver's seat. To help myself, I'd put the book on top of the car's roof, temporarily, while I dump everything else onto the passenger seat. I did that twice on different days. The first time a stranger at the carpark kindly told me I've left a book on the car. The second time just before driving off, I remembered I left my book on top of the car, so I got it back in.

Have you any inkling of an idea now on how I lost my book?

Today, after work, the same thing happened. I put the book on top of the car while I shoved two bags into the back seat. And this time, I really, truly, stupidly, forgot about the book I left on the car's roof. When I got home, I couldn't find it in the car and a flashback of the book on the car made me groan. With a heavy heart, I locked the car and went home.

I messaged Juwita cuz I gave her a ride home. She's so helpful and went to call work to see if someone can help me find the book at the carpark at work. Lailee went but there was no sign of the book.

I keep wondering where the book could have flown off; the expressway, the traffic junctions, at the carpark with all the humps and slopes, maybe? And it made me cringe when I imagined what the other fellow road users might have thought when they saw a book on top of my car. How embarrassing. I got horned twice while driving just now, and I wonder if maybe it wasn't because of my reckless driving but because there was a book of the hit movie 'NEW MOON' perched precariously on the roof of my car. And I just felt so miserable when I think of how close I was to the end of the book, I was just at the exciting part where Bella is flying off to see Edward before he gets the Volturi to kill him. ARGH!! How could I have been so careless?! Who would have thought such a person like me existed? You only see them on TV. Gosh. I'm such an airhead.

And then Kevin called me. He wondered if I'd dropped a book. Hope rekindled in me when I thought maybe he found it in the carpark when he left after me. But it diminished when he said he saw it outside of the carpark, on the main road, getting run over by passing cars. The picture he described was so heartbreaking that if anyone saw my expression, they can safely guess the emotions I felt. From excitement and full of hope in my wide eyes and smile, to the sudden drop of all muscles on my face that is misery. I could almost cry. There's a sudden emptiness felt as I imagined my heart drooping.

But, there is no way I'm going to let the story hang like that. I'm going to get another book by today. In fact, I'm going to purchase all four books of the Twilight series. I'm going to get clear plastic to wrap my books so that I wouldn't have to worry of dog-eared pages when I put the book in my bag, the next time I get to my car.

Laugh at/with me.

Twilight.

2009-12-04T19:44:00.002+08:00

Oh. My. God.

I am in love with a book character. His name is Edward Cullen.

I am only now reading the first book of the Twilight Saga. So outdated, I know. But I thought vampires are so fantasy-like and when I think of Fantasy-genred book, I think of witches and wizards and castles perched on top of clouds.

But now that my curiosity has caught up with me, and the desperation of reading any recommended book has gotten up to my cheek, so as to have a form of escape from/distraction to my boring life, I am finally reading Twilight. And I have to say, it's all my fantasies put into words by Stephenie Meyers.

Not that I fantasized about knowing a vampire, but the description of the feelings and emotions that came about between the girl and the guy, it was what I've always wished/hoped I'd feel when I meet someone I like. The characteristics of the guy-mysterious, witty, concerned, fighting strong feelings for the girl, tall, gorgeous, smells nice, interesting, causes heart palpitations with his eyes and voice-is a dream guy come true. The best part, the constant surprises Edward gave to Bella. And you know how much I love surprises.

Each time I finished a chapter, I'd be like "Oh my God, I'm in love with him!"

Where in the world am I gonna get a guy like that?

I need money.

2009-11-15T22:10:00.002+08:00

Call me fickle-minded, but I'm now saving up for a trip to Egypt next December, and I can scarcely wait! Vithya and Nad are interested to go as well, but you know, anything could happen from now till then. I'm hoping we'll pull through.

I need money. I need money for further education. I need money for my trip. I need money for a car with petrol. I need money for clothes. I need money for food. I need money for emergency. I need money for my parents.

How do I get more money? ARGHHH!!!

Do lots of night shifts at work? But I won't have any life then. But then again, I don't have much of a life, so why not?

Aku minah.

2009-05-22T14:00:00.002+08:00

I can't wait to end work today! (Padahal belum start work seh)

Anyway, things have been happening but I haven't been updating this blog. Most of the time it's because I'm lazy and I find that I don't really have anything to say that would make people think, or have some kind of reaction. I myself got bored when I run through what I want to type in my head. I also don't put up pictures anymore because I feel like I'm doing everything twice. Everything's in my facebook already so what's the point of updating this place here when not a lot of people read it right?

But I am updating now because I just read a blog and I find it hilarious and entertaining. It's MinahSpeak.

Ok. You know what? I'll update other things another time because I have other things to do before I get ready for work. And I don't want to be late.

Ciao.

Online Shopping.

2009-05-16T15:03:00.003+08:00

I am so into online shopping right now that I can't wait to get home from work and see the shipping status of my orders.

Recently, I found a new website that sells things that can make you look great easily and fix all the wardrobe malfunction that you didn't expect would happen. Super cool. Check it out at Hollywood Fashion Tape.

I've already ordered the Fashion Tape because I find it totally useful. Search for an online demo in youtube.com. You'll know how it works. You won't have to use scotch tape or those thick green double sided tape.

I wanna get some other things from that website but I have to wait till my pay comes in. I can't wait! There's so many things I want to buy!

I drove by myself!

2009-05-09T19:19:00.002+08:00

I drove without my parents today!! I drove by myself! I drove! Yup! I know how to park already!

Today, I drove to work for morning shift. Just my luck it started raining heavily when I stepped out of the house. So at 5.15AM, my first stop was the petrol station. So stupid of me I went to stop on the outermost side of the kiosk. When I opened the door, rain dropped on my head. I thought have shelter! Hahah. So too lazy to change space, I just stayed there. So then I had to push a button to open the cover where the petrol person would put in the petrol gun into my car. But I couldn't find the button!!! I got so flustered that I forgot how to roll down my window. So I had to lean over to the passenger side, open the door and called out to the staff to help me find the button. I was like "Excuse me, I don't know where's the button. I can't find it. Can you help me?" Hahah! So the guy came over and pushed a button next to my driver's seat. =.=" "Oh. My first time la." Embarrassing shit.

So after paying and getting wet from the rain and all that, I finally headed to work. The rain was so heavy I could hardly see the road. I couldn't see the markings on the road so keeping in lane was a tad difficult. One time, the lane on the road where I was driving was flooded with water and when I drove through, water sprayed from the sides of my car like water fountain or something. I was like "Oops." I don't know if I sprayed other cars with the water but yea, oops.

In the end, I reached work! Yay! I'm so proud of myself. But then while parking I scratched my car when I went too close to the pillar. *Slaps forehead*.

I'm so happy I was morning today because CE was crowded as hell. People just won't stay away.

After work, Nadhirah and I got dressed up to attend Siti's engagement party. Drove there quite alright since Nad knows the way because she lives nearby to the venue. Met up with the rest and went to Siti's place. Took photos, ate and talked. Then time to go.

First I sent Francine to KK with the help of Nadhirah and her boyfriend who was in another car. They led the way without us even asking. Very sweet and thoughtful of them. After that I sent Sahirah back home at Bedok Resevoir and then Huda home at Tampines which luckily for me was next to my aunt's/uncle's/grandmother's house so I already knew the way home from there. Got home and parked my car successfully!! I'm super proud of myself!

Sick and tired.

2009-04-30T02:27:00.002+08:00

I am sick. And I am tired.

I am tired. And I am sick.

I am sick because I am tired.

I am tired of work. I'm tired of attending to patients.

I am sick and in pain. My throat hurts whenever I speak or swallow my saliva or food. My head throbs like there's a fat man kicking my brain.

And I hate that I have to wear PPE. I can hardly breathe with the N95 mask on, which is so tight that the straps of the mask hurt my head. I hate the gown that goes "swish swish" so loudly each time I move and that it's things in my pocket inaccessible.

I am tired. And I am sick. And I have a test tomorrow night. God help me.

I wore the scrub suit!

2009-04-27T02:14:00.002+08:00

I'm so excited about the Swine Flu! It could be the next SARS or the next Bird Flu pandemic. Since yesterday, a yellow alert was raised. We had to wear facial masks now. And today, the E shift and the night duty nurses had to change to the scrub suit! WOOT! I love the scrubs. I felt so professional. And N95 masks, of course.

Yay me!

Famous.

2009-04-26T02:52:00.005+08:00

As usual, work has been busy. People are still coming in non-stop and I still have no idea why. And it's so sudden. Is it because times are changing? Now that it's the 21st century and modernized, people know of the ED and visit them, unlike traditional times where they use traditional methods to cure illnesses? Or is it because people are now more affluent and don't mind paying the hospital bills? But it's ironic, no, that they are spending money when it's during the recession period? Maybe it's because of the recession that they come to the ED because in one shot they get everything? $80 including consultation, standard medication, X-ray, blood tests, urine tests. And they don't have to travel from a clinic to a hospital to get hospitalization, save them the transport cost? Or did they think they'd get treatment fast? Well, for those non-emergency cases, not anymore, I tell you. If you wanna flood the ED, be prepared and willing to wait for at least 2 hours. Or maybe 5.5 hours! With 82 patients queueing before you. &%@#*&(#$@%&?%^!!!!

It's gotten quite bad that we are now having to deal with unreasonable abusive parents. They come in and yell at the top of their voices till the whole ED could hear him. Vulgarities spewing out of his mouth. Fists banging on the counters, fingers pointing threateningly inches from our noses. Throwing things at us. One father did exactly all those I've just said. Refusing to calm down or listen, being downright aggressive, making one of the registrar break down in frustrated tears and my usually collected and well mannered senior staff nurse explode. That father tested my SSN tolerance level. To that father, F*** YOU! Bloody unreasonable. The son was 7 years old having a temperature of 37.3 Degrees Celcius. And the waiting time wasn't even that long. Just an hour or so. Oh my God! The more I think about it, the angrier I get. If only I can punch his face. What a good example to the kid, right? (^@&^#$&^#&^@#$@&*$!!!!!!

GOD!

In other news, people seem to know me but I don't seem to know them. Firstly, in my class, two classmates actually remembered my name and just started talking to me. I know them but I have no idea what their names are. So instead of finding out, I just talk to them like I already knew their names. I'll just find out their names.. discreetly.

Another time, while I was at work and was walking towards the cafeteria during my break, a staff nurse, who seems new there, stopped me in my tracks when she called out my name. I turned and she waved. I said in a cheerful tone, "Eh! HI!!" and continued walking. In my heart I went, "Who was that?!" I seriously have no idea who she is but she knows my name? Whaaat?

And then in Facebook, strangers have started to add me in their friends list. And most of them have friends that I know. Common friends. But I don't know these people who are not my friends. If it's a guy, I might understand why they want to add me. But females? Huh? It's like "I know some of my friends are in your friends list but... do I know you?".

Then there was a time a year or two back. I was at KKH in the staff toilet. This girl my age came in and waved to me, said my name and went "Eh, hi!!". And I was like "Erm.. hi!". And then she went like "What are you doing here? Remember me?" So I gave her this "Err..." My eyes were searching everywhere on her body for her nametag, trying to do it discreetly. Then she went like "Redcross, that time, remember?" Apparently we've talked before. And you should know how I went. "OOHHH! Yea!". So she thinking that I finally know who she is, continues to ask me things and stuff. So I talked for a while and thankfully had to go. In my mind, I was still searching for a memory of her. I was still searching all the way home. I still don't know who she is.

Cats Now and Forever.

2009-04-22T14:15:00.002+08:00

Hey all! I saw CATS Now and Forever the musical yesterday at the Esplanade Theatre with Francine, Suriah and Hazirah. It was purr-fect. The props, the background, the costume. The VOICES!! They have some of the greatest singing voices in the world, I think. I love some of the numbers.

My favourite cat is the Rum Tum Tugger played by John O'Hara! The sensual, flirtatious, sexy, arrogant, always in the limelight cat. The way he swaggers and his stance whenever he stops, his hands at his hips, thumbs hooked on his belt with his weight on one leg, his singing, the arrogance he portrays just makes me squeal with glee and excitement! Everyone loves him actually. Whenever he's on stage we'll clap and go 'WHOOOOO!!!' kind of thing. He's hot.

It's truly an exciting, fun, playful musical. Andrew Lloyd Webber is a genius, I swear. The first musical I've seen produced by him was The Phantom of the Opera and it was by far the best musical I've ever seen. How'd I'd compare to Cats? I don't know. They're both great in their own way. They're both different plots and different atmosphere so you can't really compare.

My Playlist.

2009-04-17T18:43:00.005+08:00

I have a lot of songs in my playlist. But right now, I keep pressing next, next, next until these songs are playing:

1. Can I Get A Witness - Marvin Gaye. Listen.
2. Check Yes Juliet - We The Kings. Listen.
3. Closer - NeYo. Listen.
4. Dead and Gone - T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake. Listen.
5. Forever - Chris Brown. Listen.
6. Hot 'N Cold - Katy Perry. Listen.
7. Insomnia - Craig David. Listen.
8. Like This - Marques Houston feat. Young Joc. Can't find a link to this but it's super nice!
9. Lost Without You - Delta Goodrem. Listen.
10. Love Story - Taylor Swift. Listen.
11. Mad - NeYo. Listen.
12. Poker Face - Lady Gaga. Listen.
13. Right Round - Flo Rida. Listen.
14. Say Goodbye - Chris Brown. Listen.
15. Stuck With Each Other - Shontelle feat. Akon. Listen.
16. Viva La Vida - Coldplay. Listen.
17. Whine Up - Kat DeLuna. Listen.
18. Why Can't I - Liz Phair. Listen.
19. You Found Me - The Fray. Listen.

Yea. That's not a lot to choose from. So it would be soon before I get tired of these songs. Thus, I need help to increase this list. Any nice songs you'd like to recommend? Something good to dance to maybe? No trance, or metallic rock. I welcome Hip Hop, Pop, Country, Classical, Rock. Something that can make you get off the train seat and start dancing or stare off in the distance while at the bus stop and sway.

What my future holds.

2009-04-16T23:54:00.002+08:00

I have so many things that I want to do but I have no idea how to go about doing it. I keep hitting a wall whenever I think about the money and time needed to do the things that I wanna do or wanna have.

Like for Sign Language classes, if I were to finish all the levels, it'd take me another year and another S$450. And then I wanna take up dance classes which would cost me about S$260 if I were to continue up till the intermediate level. And then there's the Bachelor's I want to get which will cost about S$15,000. And then what about travelling? Don't tell me I'm going to be in Singapore for the next 3 years?

Oh my God, Oh my God! What am I going to do?!

Maybe I'll just take the Beginner's Level for the dance class. It's not like I'm going to be a professional dancer.

Let's see. I'll probably finish all levels of Sign Language class by July 2010. And then I'll start the dancing class which if all goes well, I'll finish by November 2010. After that, it'll be about 5 to 6 more months till I finish my bond with KKH in April 2011, where I might take a year off from work to study for my Bachelor's. That will finish by July 2012.

And then what? And then WHAT?

Should I go back to working with KKH CE? Or should I work in CGH A&E? Should I go from working in a Paediatric A&E to an Adult A&E? Will it be an easy transition? How long should I work before going overseas to pursue my Master's? Maybe another 2 years? Oh God. By that time I'll be 26 years old! I'll be so old!

The future is really scaring me. The more I think about it, the more I panic and the more I want to cry!

Somebody save me! Or donate me money.

ARGH!

Get out of my hair!

2009-04-15T22:19:00.002+08:00

I can't WAIT for my family, especially my parents to go out of Singapore for their freaking holiday. I seriously need some time away from them. ARGH!! They make me hate being at home.

Further Studies.

2009-04-14T02:32:00.004+08:00

A kid is crying at the bed in a corner of the room while the nebuliser is on her, her parents trying to comfort her. A woman, a relative of a post fit child is washing her hands at the sink in front of the nurses' station since 5 minutes ago. Here I am blogging.

Hold on while I remove the nebuliser and take the vitals of another kid who's on trial of feeds and waiting to pass urine.

Just a minute while I use the line "I'm sorry. Can I just have two relative stay with the child? Thanks.".

And let me just use the mic to call out "XXX, please proceed to Observation 2.".

......

God. That was loud. The mic's volume is either too high or outside is too quiet. It's just not that quiet here in Obs 2 though. The kid with the trial of feeds is crying like mad while the parents are feeding him the Pedialyte. My efforts of giving them an alternative to drinking the pedialyte failed, since the parents are insistent on giving him the blueberry flavoured pedialyte. Ok then.

......

Sorry, I was away for about 10 minutes while there was suddenly a flood of things to be done. Boy's urine test turns out normal. Got a little bit fed up when they said they didn't have the urine bottle. Humph! to the nurse who pasted the urine bag. You're supposed to give them a urine bottle. Then there's the reviewing of vital signs, two at the same time. It got a little hectic when Obs 2 looked crowded with parents. Oh GREAT! A 94% SpO2 just came in.

Be right back while I take the vitals of a post neb.

......

Good. 100%. "Wait at the waiting area, the doctor will call you again."

Tonight's been surprisingly alright. I'm supposed to be Practical Nurse today. I'm taking over Obs 2 while 'he' sends BOTH Obs 2 nurses for break. We have 5 doctors on night duty today. Good thing. Or the queue will just grow longer and longer. We're having 6 on the queue right now at 0335hrs.

I can't wait for my break. I want to get out of Obs 2 and get a start on writing the board.

Last night, during my break, I had a great talk with Kevin about further studies. Before, I was hard set on going to UK to get my Degree and then working there. But Kevin gave me advices saying that the Degree is really not that big a deal to go and get a certificate somewhere so expensive. It's just learning about management, research, professional conduct and stuff like that, not much about hands on work. So he advised me to take the cheapest Degree course I can find here in Singapore. In the end, expensive or cheap, we all get only $100 more in our salary.

After that he advised that I should forgo the Advance Diploma and spend my money on Masters overseas. Instead of taking Advance Dip in Emergency Nursing, I might as well take Master in Emergency Nursing. Take a leap. Thing is, I have no idea where to take my Master. Of course, I'm limiting it to either UK or Australia. I would much prefer going to UK but I don't hear so much about people getting their Master in Nursing there. So.. I don't really know who to ask about their experience learning in UK. Kevin said I should go to Australia. He keeps stressing that the cost of living in the UK is high. And I guess that makes a big part in my decision since I prefer to take full time study instead of part time. So if I take full time, I won't be working and where in the world would I get the money to spend on my rent and food and stuff like that, right?

Ok. Let's concentrate on my Bachelor first, alright? So there's 5 schools that's accredited by SNB. I did my research which I hope is reliable.

1. Griffith University offers part time study of 2 years. Requires 6 months working experience. Course fee is S$15,000. WEBSITE.

2. La Trobe University offers part time study of 2 years. Course fee is S$15,000. WEBSITE.

3. University of Sydney offers both part time and full time study of 2 years and 1 year respectively. Requires 12 months working experience. Course fee is S$23,540. (OMG!)WEBSITE.

4. Curtin University offers both part time and full time study of 2 years and 1 year respectively. Course fee is about S$13,000. WEBSITE.

5. University of Sunderland offers both part time and full time study of 2 years and 1 year respectively. Requires 12 months working experience. Course fee is about S$20,200. WEBSITE.

So.. Most probably it's Curtin University for me then. It's one of the cheapest and it offers full time study. Yup.

Ok. You know what? I can't concentrate right now. I'm watching Beauty and the Geek. I loved Season 3. I fell in love with Scooter!

Fool.

2009-04-07T20:29:00.002+08:00

I'm exhausted! Never ever have I been this exhausted. I'm so tired that I'm nauseated and shitting with lots of flatulence. Gawd!

CE has been so busy it's shocking! I just don't understand, not a clue, as to why it's so busy nowadays. Every day patients keep coming in at all hours of the day, never did the queue let up. 40 to 60 plus on the queue, 3 to 4 hours waiting time. What is UP, man??! Cough started today, like, what did the parents think? They'll have pneumonia the next day? Fever for one day, like, did they think their kids' brain is going to burn overnight?

I know there are worse complaints but I'm kinda new so the worse I've heard recently was "The fever started today. 38-point-something degrees Celcius. I give medicine one time but now still have fever. Never come down." Like WHAT THE ****! Fever can persist for a few days. You only gave one dose and came down to the A&E because the temperature didn't subside. You're supposed to give the medicine frequently at an interval! And the medicine is just to control the damn temperature not to make the whole fever-causing agent disappear altogether! Oh my God. I wanted to give the look of disbelief but I didn't want to offend the parent.

I really want to cry, you know or not?! You bring your children who's not an emergency case to the A&E and then build up the queue which in turn build up the waiting time because we'll be seeing the more urgent cases first and THEN you have the CHEEK to complain about waiting so long and asking/demanding if your child's case can be expedited because you have to go back to the office or whatever shit. You bring your child to the ER, YOU take care of YOUR child and have the responsibility of making your child go through the trauma you brought onto them.

What happened to the parents this time around? My generation and above never had our parents bring us to the hospital when we were sick. Are you telling me that you don't know how to take care of your children? And you keep coming in and coming in like it's your routine spending money on consultation and medicine time and time again. Recession and economy downturn, my foot! So much money right?!

Like I said before, you want to come, come. Just don't complain about having to wait so long. It's not like we're sitting around, chit-chatting, drinking coffee, right? We're always on our freaking tired toes running here and there to serve you. We're the professionals. When we categorize you as non-emergency, it means you're not in critical condition but we will still see you. So, wait! And don't come in yelling at the nurses, spitting out vulgarities for all the kids to hear. SUCH a great parent you are!

One time, there was this red hot mad parent who came barging in to the nurses' station demanding for feedback forms. He took a stack, went out to the waiting area and started giving out to all the other parents. You think we scared is it??!!

But as you know, when I complain about these "FON" parents, I do try to be on the other side. Ok so maybe they're too over concern about their kids. But there are also some who came in when their kids are severely hydrated or turning blue from gasping for breath, dying even and they're asked why they hadn't come in sooner when their kids started getting all the symptoms.

So.. any ideas how we can solve this? So that everything's peaceful and quiet and everybody's happy?

Night of adrenaline.

2009-03-26T10:12:00.005+08:00

Went out with Aisyah and Tini last night, supposedly for clubbing. We went to The Arena first but it was utterly boring. The songs they played was nice but not something we could dance to. So we left the club early and decided to go to Zouk instead. But it seemed packed and we had to pay for the entry. So, no, thank you.

Went back to Clarke Quay and we took the G-Max Reverse Bungee and Xtreme Swing! SO FUN! I was really excited. For some reason, I feel like we three had the special treatment from the crew or something. We purchased tickets for the combo rides, bungee and swing and got them at student price even though we weren't students. The crew knew that but she gave us the tix at only S$50. Super cool.

We took the Reverse Bungee first. We got harnessed up and the whole seat got tilted back. I could hear the chains and machine sounds as the string gets taut. It was nerve wrecking. There we were, tilted back, facing the sky, on the ground, listening to the sounds of the chains clanking slightly, imagining the feeling of being suddenly thrown upwards, not knowing when they will finally shoot us up into the heavens. While waiting to be shot upwards, we went like "Oh my God, Oh my God" countless of times. Suddenly the chains let go and we went flying upwards at 200kph! Shocked me almost to death! I was the only one screaming at first as Aisyah and Tini tried to get to terms with the fear, their throats choked up. So up and down we bounced way up high in the air, the seat somersaulting front and back. Tini and Aisyah was screaming my name like it's my fault they're on the ride. Hahah. I tried to open my eyes but once I got it opened I got terrified of the view and closed it back until we gradually slowed down back to the ground. WOW! The adrenaline rush was awesome! When we finally stopped, the crew suddenly threw the seat backwards, scaring the shit out of us. They didn't do that to other people! I thought they were going to shoot us up again! Wah seh. But they didn't la. Our ride was video-ed and they played it for everyone to see at the end. Hahah. So embarrassing and my name got aired to the public.

So after the bungee it was time for our next ride, the swing. I thought it wouldn't be that scary cuz it's just gonna swing back and forth. But I almost cried at the beginning of that ride. Haha. I became the 'pilot', the person to push down a lever when the green light lights up. So the swing got pulled way back until it was practically 90degrees to the ground. It was way, way high up. And as it slowly went up, I felt myself slipping a little bit and I tried as hell not to imagine what would happen if my harness were to snap open. It took so long to get to the maximum height that I wanted to cry. It was scary shit, I tell you. Aisyah was like saying to Tini "I'm sorry Tini, I am so, so sorry." because Tini was the one who's practically dreading to go on the rides. The whole way up I didn't know what the lever was for. They did tell me but I guess I didn't catch it. What I heard was if I didn't push the lever we'd be up in the sky forever. So I just thought the light would light up while we were swinging and that we'd be swinging back and forth forever until I push the lever down, or until the crew do it for us anyway. So we were strung up high in the air, facing downwards, people were like miniature dolls. Then the light turned green. The instruction was to count to 5 or 10 and then push down the lever. I was like "Eh, that was fast." And I still didn't know what the lever was for. So anyway, I was too terrified to count, numbers got all jumbled up and I ended up asking Tini and Aisyah shall I push the lever now. I heard tiny, fear-filled replies of yes and so I pushed the lever down. With a sudden jerk we went to meet the ground and back up the other side at high speed. We screamed like no one's business. But then that's it. After the initial shock of the first swing, it just swung back and forth, side to side which wasn't that scary.

And that was it, we got off the seats, head spinning, knees and hands trembling. We went to take a seat to get a hold of ourselves. Hahah. But the weird thing was, everyone said the swing would be the more exciting, the scarier one. But for the three of us, the bungee was way more terrifying. Haha.

Anyway, it was awesome. I loved it. It's definitely memorable. Next, the REAL bungee jump! Haha.

After that, we went to eat and stayed over at Aisyah's place.

Out with Jaclyn.

2009-03-22T08:50:00.009+08:00

6 days away from work this time round feels so fast! Usually when I had 5 days it felt like 2 weeks. But now, it's like, where did the days go? I'm back to work tomorrow! Damn. Back to reality.

Anyway, I drove! Haha. Thursday drove all the way from East side to the West side. The furthest I've driven, ever. I love driving to Class 95!

Yesterday, I met up with Jaclyn. Finally. After 5 years. Had lunch at Palais Renaissance Cafe. You can't eat there every day, unless you're filthy rich. We had a plate of Lasagna, a slice of Sweet and Sour Lemon Pie, and two glasses of water. And I really mean one plate and one slice. We shared the dishes. Hahah. Altogether it cost us S$41.20, including tax and stuff! Imagine, for two, we could have paid like at least S$80! It's simply outrageous. But I've got to admit, the food are nice. I started drooling after a bite of the pie.

After that, of course, we went shopping. She went shopping actually. I didn't have anything in mind to buy. It was so weird that there weren't anything nice to buy. Or maybe it's just that whatever we like and find is nice, it's super damn expensive. The prices are seriously outrageous. I just don't understand why it has to be so expensive. A simple white tank top can cost like S$20. Like, what the hell? Went to countless shops and still couldn't find anything. It was only at our last stop, Fox, that we purchased something. The prices are still freaking high and we could have gotten 25% discount if we used a UOB card (which we didn't have) but we liked what we picked out too much and just had to buy them. So yea. I got this simple striped spag top for S$30. Now that I see it in print, it's like, S$30??!! What the hell? Robbery in broad daylight, I tell you.

We caught up with each other's lives. In the train on the way home, I taught her some sign language. Hmm.. that SO reminds me of something. Everything reminds me of that particular something. So annoying.

Oh well. Lots of love,

Me!

Peeved.

2009-03-18T03:42:00.002+08:00

I just finished my 4 nights. My first time doing 4 nights straight. And.. it wasn't as bad as I thought. I thought I was going to die of exhaustion after the 2nd night, and according to some of my colleagues, I'd be super tired on the 3rd night. But.. I didn't feel that tired. I mean I was tired from work but not as bad as some of my colleagues said it would be. I'm quite amazed myself. But I know the reason why I'm not dead. It's because I've been awake most nights for quite some time now. I've been doing nights, if not, afternoon or E shifts. That usually means I'd be sleeping during the day time and awake when the sun sets and the moon rises.

That's terrible. But I have 6 days to get my melatonin levels back in shape, meaning having melatonin at night instead of in the day time.

On to another topic. I have many pet peeves. Top on my list is, of course, bad English. Somewhere below is when women put on make up in public. Just touching up on the lip gloss is fine, but pulling out all layers and phases of cosmetics out of the bag and painting your whole face in public, that's like eww! I mean it's embarrassing. If you can't do it at home, at least go find a washroom somewhere else to put on your full make up. Not in the train! Yea. I was seating in the train opposite this woman who looked to be in her late 30s and was forced to witness the act of making her face up. From liquid foundation, to loose powder, to concealer, to blusher, eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara, lip stick and lip gloss. Really! She pulled out so many cosmetic out of her bag that I wondered if that's what all that her bag contained. I was shocked. She fished out so many different mirrors that I kept going "Oh my God, Oh my God". I snorted a bit too hard when she pulled out her mascara that snot actually came out of my nose. Actually no, nothing came out. It almost did but nothing anybody could see.

I mean, seriously. Why do you have to put on the full make up in public? Why do you have to let men see what we do to our faces? We are supposed to look natural and effortlessly beautiful when we step out of our house, even if there are hints of make up on our faces. Just don't show the steps! Geez.

Go crazy.

2009-03-12T03:16:00.003+08:00

I have insomnia! I hate not being able to sleep at night. Last night I only fell asleep at 7am la sia! The whole night kept tossing and turning in bed, my brain also kept churning thoughts that I wished I could get a hold of, put it in a box and throw it away. In the end at about 5.30am I messaged him telling him that he's missed, by me. He replied back at 7am which I only read at 12.30pm when I woke up.

=) I've been thinking about you lately too.

Wah! I want to be happy but I forced myself not to read too much into it. I'm taking it slow. But the rest of his messages is forcing the light of hope into my eyes. I shouldn't be hoping. I should just be happy with what it is now. Oh well. See how it goes. For now, we are friends. And maybe that's all it is to it.

Work was quite good today except for some things (more like someone) which only me and Sheryn are really pissed about. I had to press Glucose 50%-soaked gauzes around a kid's swollen penis. It took almost 1.5 hours just to reduce the swelling la. I truly enjoyed it because the kid and his parents are super nice. At the end when his foreskin is able to close around his penis they were all like "Thank you Nurse Nadiah!". Feel super damn good la. And Dr. Yeo said I can be a penis specialist, be a "pe-nurse". What the. Hahaha. And he said should my husband have this problem I'd know what to do, no need to bring him to the A&E. Wah seh. In front of the patient and the mother some more. Very good.

The thing that got me a little upset was when I was finally free to go for break, even if it is 15 minutes, he didn't allow. Then when finishing my shift, which is actually at 1.30am, he told me to go at 1am. But there were hardly any nurses around as most went for break. So if I go, what if busy? He can cope alone meh? I hung around so that I can at least help out some until the others come back from break. But he actually scolded me for not going, saying that he already tell me to go so many times, still never go. What the.

Jaclyn Chow.

2009-03-07T02:21:00.002+08:00

Argh!! I met Jaclyn last evening just before I started work! I was walking towards CE when I saw this two ladies in a PT/OT uniform at the vending machine, and I was just wondering that the uniform looks like those that they wear in CGH. And I just happened to look up and realized one of them was Jaclyn, my close friend in secondary school. We were quite close then but not so close to actually keep in touch every week after graduation. After 2004, we went seperate ways. In early 2008, we got back in touch by just chatting in MSN like twice or thrice. And now, March '09 we finally met! 5 years! Oh my God.

When she saw me, the look of surprise and shock was evident on her face. We hugged. Hahah. I got so excited to see her. She's been on attachment at KKH for already 3 weeks now. And her department is just next to mine. We were so close and yet we didn't know it. So still in a state of shock words like "Oh my God!" and "I miss you!" and "Oh my God!"(again) and "It's been SO long!" got into our short conversation. Hahaha. Got each other's numbers, which were still the same since 5 years ago. We still had each other's numbers after all these years. And we've now set a date to meet up for high tea.

Gosh! I miss her a lot! We love books and she used to borrow my Julie Garwood books because we love her. And we'd love it so much that we call each other Lady Nadiah and Lady Jaclyn and we'd plan to go horseback riding. We were in concert band together and we used to hate the many band practices but now are sorely missed. We studied at the Airport and after that would go sight-seeing for cute guys. Once we tailed two guys all the way to the Boarding Gate. Hahah. Unseen, of course. We'd go Orchard and take Neoprints. There were also quite a handful of times when she'd invite me to her house after school just to watch DVD or do homework or play with her hamsters or learn how to put on makeup for our prom/grad night or play badminton under the block with her younger sister and her maid or help her with the scrapbook she made for this guy she used to have a huge crush on for his birthday. Anyway, we were close enough that I her maid and her sister knew me and one Hari Raya they mailed a personalised greetings card to me. I still have it, safely kept in a box in the drawer next to my bed. Oh! And I remember the time during our O-levels planning to go to JC, especially ACJC. So in case we couldn't make it with our O-level results, we thought we could get in by the CCA way, Concert Band. So they had tryouts and we went. Well, she went and I accompanied her. I didn't want to play in the band anymore actually. But while accompanying her, I got dragged in. The band members kinda persuaded me to play. So.. forced to la. But in the end, forget it.

Anyway, in the utmost end, she went into JC while I went to poly. And now we're both in the healthcare industry.

I miss her I miss her! I can't wait to meet up with her!

Tennessee by Hans Zimmer.

2009-03-06T02:14:00.002+08:00

I was blog hopping and landed on Amanda Lim's blog. She mentioned about the piano piece by Richard Clayderman 'Mariage D'Amour' being her favourite classical piece. So being the curious lady that I am, I went to youtube.com to get a listen on the piece. Very nice indeed. I watched how he played the piano, so elegant, so full of emotions. Then I thought about musical instruments and musicals and music. Somehow it brought me to Pearl Harbor the movie, my favourite of ALL time. Ever. Forever and ever it will be my favourite movie to cry to, to get nostalgic or melancholic.

I already have two different versions of the piece by Hans Zimmer 'Tennessee' in my MP3. It's a soundtrack from Pearl Harbor. One is the piano version, the other one is the band version (all the violin and wind/brass instruments). Whenever this two songs come on, I'd tend to stare off into space and think about the instruments in the song being played. It's utterly beautiful.

So anyway, I decided to search it on youtube.com too, to WATCH instead of only listening. So.. I found some. One of the video brought my hands to my mouth, almost wanted to cry by the amazing-ness, the beauty of the song. But that was just some guy playing different instruments and putting it all together at his home or something. Then I found one where a band played the piece. Dear God. If I were to attend a band concert, and they played 'Tennessee', I'd for damn sure cry my eyes out.

I'd really bow down to Hans Zimmer. He's a musical genius. So is Andrew Lloyd Webber. Especially 'Phantom of the Opera'. The music is really really good.

I wish there would be a band that'll play pieces by Hans Zimmer and Andrew Lloyd Webber in some theatre. I'd definitely attend. Tissues in hand.

Ladies Night.

2009-03-03T16:50:00.006+08:00

Four girls had a night out at The Arena. I had fun! Never danced like I did. Hahah. It was really fun. Just look at the company, it's no wonder.

And now I'm on the brink of getting to know a new friend. Via Francine. Haha.

Anyway, I just got back from my sign language class just now. I really thought I was going to be alone. As in not know anyone. It was such a surprise when Lixia turned up! She works in KKH too. She was my preceptor while I was having my PRCP in Ward 43. Haha. Yay! I've got a partner.

He's just not that into you.

2009-02-24T22:14:00.003+08:00

Ok. So my computer's hacked with a virus. A virus that sends stupid things to people and made it look like I did it. Such an ass.

Anyway, went to catch the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" with Jaime. I've been DYING to talk about this. I've already bought the book before the movie came out. It's a good thing too because I don't think I could catch whatever's in the movie quickly if I hadn't read up.

So... That book that I bought, is the BEST self-help book I've EVER, EVER read. Imma keep it forever. It's so useful that I actually took out my favourite green highlighter and highlighted the points that I should know and remember. If only I'd known about it before all the relationships I had, even if it wasn't that many.

I'm the Rule, not the exception. I'm exceptional, but I'm not the exception.

If the guy likes me, he WILL call me.
If the guy wants to see me, he WILL ask me out.
If the guy loves me, he WILL want to marry me.

Otherwise, he's just not that into me. I'm going to meet many of them in my life, who's just not that into me, and I'm pretty sure one of those days I'll think I'm running out of fishes in the sea, but I shouldn't waste time on them, hoping, and having heartaches, feeling like shit.

Excuses like "I'm out of town so I might not be able to keep in touch" or "Sorry, I couldn't call, I was busy the whole day" or "I'm not ready, I just got out of a bad relationship" or "I've been in love with you for the past 7 years but I just don't want to get married" shouldn't pass over my shoulder. Instead they should hit me in the face and I should be able to translate them into "He's just not that into me".

I mean it's correct, isn't it? If he's into you, he'll try to contact you no matter where he is because he misses you. If he's into you, he'd call you during his toilet break from his busy work because he wants to hear your voice and see how your day has been. If he's into you, he'll want you to be his, see you exclusively even if he's just broken up with his 5-year girlfriend not 6 months ago. If he's into you, he won't need 10 more years into your 7 years relationship together to get married just to see how it goes and get to know each other more. As if 7 years is not enough.

Like the book says, it will hurt. Definitely. I guess that's when you'll need your family and friends. Find distractions, go out again.

Whatever it is, I'm not going to expect and look for anything. I'm going to go out, attend courses and classes, travel.. I just won't expect too much. I hope, but I don't expect. There is a difference, right? Because to me, there is. Hazali just didn't get that about me.

Jaime, I'm hoping we'll be able to go in December. Three of us will be ok with me.

Anyway, I desperately need a hair cut. It's getting too long and people have already guessed my age as between 22-24. Must be because of all the unhappiness and topsy turvy bed times. Roar!

The things I go through.

2009-02-20T02:33:00.002+08:00

I am absolutely exhausted. Day to day people keep coming in to the ER. Day to day there'll be cases like fever for 1 day, constipation, stomach pain, vomiting for 1 day, etc. Maybe I can understand if you come and fill up the ER after 8pm or so because the clinics are closed and all, or if the clinics themselves have no clue what to do with you and referred you to us. But in the day time, go to the clinics la. Do you understand what is an emergency or not? You should only come to the ER if you think you/your child will die without prompt treatment. Stop hogging the space and time in the ER can or not? And then you complain about the 4 hours waiting time. Oh my God.

I just think the public really needs a lot of education. Maybe they should include the module "When to Go to the ER" in school.

Seriously, I would much rather have back to back Code Blue's and Trauma Codes, like one after another, than attending to all the Fever for 1 day, Vomit 2 times, Headache for 2 days, Constipation, bla bla bla. The whole point of me selecting A&E as my first choice is because I like the fast pace of trying to resuscitate a critically ill patient, especially trauma, not the fast pace of running back and forth to complete the orders on the procedure forms of 300 far-from-dying patients.

One time when the waiting time to see the doctor was SO long, one parent came up to me and informed me that the disposable cups at the water dispenser located at the patient waiting area needed topping up. I was quite dreading going out there to top up the cups because I was so afraid people will come up to me and demand something else and assault me because I didn't give the answer they want. Wah. Good thing nothing happened except for people coming up to get some water. I mean, really, I've heard and seen people yelling and screaming at the nurses. This kind of people make me hate my job. And I hate that I'm hating my job. I don't want to hate my job. I want to be happy.

Anyway, on to another mood.

I've had an encounter with this kid who was constipated for one week. The doctor ordered Fleet Enema. Result was poor with the kid crying with stomach pain and straining with difficulty to pass out the stool(shit). So Glycerin suppository was ordered to help soften the stool. The kid was laid down on the bed. When I spread open the butt cheeks, there was the brownish-greenish stool, just in the opening of the anus. It was like the shape of one side of a tennis ball. So with the supp in one hand and spreading the cheeks open with the other I went 'Hmmmm.. I don't know if I can put this supp in.. Maybe if I pushed aside the stool a little bit.....' It wouldn't freaking budge! There was no space for the small suppository to go in. I was so tempted to dig the rock-hard stool out because it was just there, within sight, but I'm not trained to do a manual evacuation and I didn't want to traumatize the lining of the GI tract. So I got the doctor to come and see what he'd like to do with this kid. At first he said just try to put the supp in, so I tried to force the supp in, running my finger around the stool to see if there's some space beside it. That was the first time I ever had to physically touch a stool for long periods of time. I guess it was the 'stimulation' that finally caused the tip of the stool to come out. Finally my supp was able to go in. The kid then went to the toilet to try to pass the rest of his dried up stool. But came back without success. So Dr. Kong said "OK. Let's do manual evac. No choice." And back to the bed the boy went and got some anal digging from the doctor who kept saying "Wah. The stool is very hard. So hard. Tsk tsk." And came out more stool that looked like stones. After all that, I had to clear the stool and clean the kids butt.

So are you able to eat now? Amazing thing about nurses is, after this, we can. I can. Except that, every time I clear my bowels, I will think of him. Bloody hell.

Kak Haniza's Crib.

2009-02-13T21:12:00.003+08:00

Ended work slightly later than usual because was tied up at work. Just as I was about to take over Obs 1 in the Resus room as Saroja about to send a patient up, in came a resus case and Doris instructed me to page the doctors and nurses. Wah. Instead of only keeping an eye on a conscious-sedated kid I had to be involved in the resus. Good thing it wasn't so bad but still ended a little late.

After work, went to Kak Haniza's house with some of the CE girls, namely Doris, Bing Ling, Veron, Hui Ting, Lailee, Yanti, Kak Ros, Julianah, Kak Rakiyah and one more who's an ex-staff of CE, to visit her and her newborn baby. Fun time! There was a time where Kak Ros, Yanti, Julianah, Lailee, Rakiyah and I were seated at the dining table talking about work stuff. Wah. Got me thinking that maybe the 'management' in CE is not very good. Made me think that it wouldn't be such a bad idea to 'move' to another hospital once my bond's up and once I got my Advance Diploma in Emergency Nursing. I feel like getting my hands on adults instead of kids. I want to see all the gory and gob-smacking horrible accidents that happens to them. I want to be able to feel free while working, not being so uptight about 'reputations'. Like using the PA system for things like "Doctor XX to the practical room" or "Doctor XX to call Doctor XY" or "Paging for Doctor XX/Nurse XY", instead of running all over the department to look for them. I want to wear scrubs. I want to be able to have Nursing Managers or Clinicians that we can talk openly with. I want to have the NMs and NCs OUT THERE doing procedures and resus and triaging and basic things like pasting the urine bag or taking the blood or serving fleet enema with the rest of the nurses.

It was fun hearing about Yanti's and Julianah's experience on their Adv. Dip. clinical postings to different hospitals. We also joked about who would be the next NM or NC and how the management would be like. Super funny.

Then there's always the session where Yanti's boobs are mentioned. Haha.

So much to plan for my future!

Anyway, I'm beat!

Save me.

2009-02-10T01:19:00.004+08:00

I want to go to England!

I have to save money. I have to, I have to. I'm already very broke.

Starting today, I should only have $100 in my wallet each month. So let's say by March I've $50 left, I can only withdraw another $50 for the rest of the month of March.

WORK.
1. Leave NETS at home.
2. Only train and buses to work, unless I'm late.
3. Bring home food to work, even if it's just biscuits or fruits.
4. Do more night shifts.
5. Take only buses home, even if I'm exhausted. Even better have someone with transport to fetch me home.
6. Go straight home, no detour, no acting on impulses. Unless I'm going out with someone.

GOING OUT.
1. Leave NETS at home, only the $100 cash or whatever's left in the wallet.
2. Spend only on necessary things and only for the main purposes of going out. If it's dinner, only spend on food. If it's ice-skating, only spend on the rental skates. If it's movie, only spend on the movie ticket.
3. Eat before going out. If I have to, eat something cheap when outside.
4. Take trains and buses, even if it means I'll probably get lost, which I won't because I have my handphone and I'll even check how to get to my destination on the internet before going out. NO CABS.
5. Ignore all temptations caused by window shopping or smelling good food.

HOME.
1. Stay at home.
2. No surfing on sites that allows online shopping.

MISC.
1. Leave NETS at home.
2. Borrow books. No renting at EMF or buying at Popular/MPH/Kinokuniya.
3. Ask mom to purchase shampoo/conditioner/soap.

IGNORE ALL TEMPTATIONS THAT LEADS TO EMPTYING OF WALLET.

I don't know how long I'm going to do this. Probably until the end of the year since I'm thinking of going to England in December. Not yet confirmed, but maybe from 14th till 19th. I'm sure my mom will help out with some of the cost. Still.

Each day, my motivation for saving is going to be the trip to England. So, yea. I have to do it.

Post fit.

2009-02-02T02:21:00.002+08:00

My 6pm to 1.30am shift just now was really good! I seriously felt light on my toes. I was smiling and laughing and joking. I don't know what's wrong with me actually. But today was good! Especially when I was just about to end my shift at 1am. Spent half an hour at Obs 2 with Ryan and Fiza crapping and joking about. Plus there were two cute policemen that caused me to throw a fit. Hahah.

I love Ryan and Fiza! Now they both know a secret about me. Haha. I wish I was night with them.

CNY.

2009-01-26T20:24:00.004+08:00

As it is the first day of the Chinese New Year, I wore the chinese traditional costume to work today, what most of us call, a cheongsam. I'm not a chinese but I love dressing up. And I've always wanted to wear a cheongsam. It's a pretty outfit. I just don't know why not a lot of people wear them nowadays. Plus this year I feel so "on". Hari Raya, I'm going to wear the malay traditional clothes. Not that I don't, I always do. What I meant to say was I'm going to wear it to work. And then on Deepavali, I'm thinking of wearing the sari or punjaabi suit. Fun! It gives me the thrill because no one dresses up for work unless they're going out after work. So it's like I'm the odd one out. Sounds uncomfortable but, really, it's not so bad.

So, I wore the cheongsam today. And it being the first time that I'm wearing one and being in a place where not a lot of people wear the cheongsam, I was quite nervous. I know I look really calm and collected all the way to work, but in my head I was practically chastising myself. I was like "Nad, what the hell were you thinking?!". I was quite self-conscious but I kept myself composed. I guess this kinda boost my self-confidence, you know, be brave, show that I don't care what people think.

Then I arrived at work. Predictably, there were comments. But I would say all of them were positive comments. Besides, at the back of my mind, I kinda knew I didn't look all that bad. My favourite comment today was by Dr. J Yeo. He only said one word, "Wow.". Hahaha.

I look super skinny in the 3rd photo. So ugly. Hahah.

Happy Chinese New Year to all!

Burberry.

2009-01-24T22:25:00.003+08:00

If ever I'm rich enough to get an original branded bag, I'm going straight to a Burberry store to get one. From clutches to totes to luggages, imma get it from Burberry.

I love Burberry. I love the colours, the designs, the shapes of the bags. It's drool-worthy.

Go see: http://www.burberry.com/HomeWorld.aspx

Roller blading with Jaime.

2009-01-24T17:58:00.003+08:00

A day out with friends is REALLY good for the health. I had a day out with Jaime and her friend for roller blading at Pasir Ris Beach/Park just now. Ok not a 'day' more like '2 hours'.

I just finished my round of night duty and collapsed on the bed the minute I got home. I was dreaming, a weird dream I should say. It started with meeting a new guy and somehow it became a resus scene. A super weird resus it was too. I couldn't remember what case it was but it was a standby case and I made the F-72-Simp call, something something ETA 20 minutes. Weird right, ETA so long. Then I remembered SL Chong was there and she was preparing a, get this, some kind of sauce to marinate chickens! It was only when I woke up and was taking a shower when it hit me and I went "Wha-a-a-t?!". Hahah. We were all prepared and me holding the bowl of marinating chickens. Veron was there also and she said something like "From now on when there's a resus, you must try to get hands-on." And she was starting to teach me and Sue Zhen something when I heard the ambulance arriving. Only it wasn't the normal SCDF ambulance. I think the ambulance that came had green stripes. Or blue. And it's from Thailand. So weird! Anyway, the ambulance hadn't even stopped yet when I was woken up by a call from Jaime. Hahah.

Checked the clock to be 3.10pm. Not that I was late or anything but she told me to wake up and get ready, they're coming to pick me up. So, moaning and groaning, I got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed, grabbed a quick bite and went down to meet them. And off we went to a round of blading. I had on most of the protection required for roller blading. At least, the protection that I needed, which was the hand, elbow and knee guard.

I've never bladed before nor was her friend that practiced in blading. So both of us were the unstable ones, while Jaime gave some tips on how to blade. I fell twice and both were at the humps. Hahaha. And both were on my butt. The second fall was worse and way funnier and should have called for a video or at least a still shot of us. Us, meaning Jaime and I. Hahahah. I was the one who was collapsing while going over a hump but Jaime was in front of me and I felt my blade hit something and both of us went to meet the ground. I think I hit her blades. I fell hard on my butt and Jaime fell somehow, in the midst of it hitting her kidney with her blades and fell laid down on the grass. Hahahah. There was like a 5 to 10 seconds of laughing/moaning silence while we tried to get even with our pain. Hahaha. Memorable moment. Needless to say, there should be a butt guard for me too.

So we bladed till the end and stopped for some cam-whoring, the photos of which I shall upload once I get ALL of them. Half of them are with me but the rest are with Jaime's friend.

Fun 2 hours!! Haha.

Anyway, I've been fine since that day that I broke down. Thanks to Ryan and Serene. And now also to Jaime. Serene made me realize that what I went through is really not all that bad. That there are others who suffered much worse and that I should be thankful and not get all sorry for myself. Yup. One thing I like about life is the people it throws into my path.

It's been a good three days.

=)

Hit me hard.

2009-01-21T16:45:00.004+08:00

So I finally cracked under the pressure of trying to avoid things and scents and feel of him. I don't know what I was thinking about while on my way to work in the train and the bus this morning, but I got to work teary eyed. I smiled a good morning to Ryan, Sheryn and Bing Ling, and shifted my eyes to the floor. The dam burst open when I reached the changing room. While counting my Controlled Drugs and my other items, Sheryn came in and realized something was amiss about me, I guess. She asked why and I told her I miss him.

I know I've been going on and on about him in this lovely blog of mine, and I've seem to act strong and have accepted that it's not working out but I'm tired. I am tired of putting up a tough act. I am tired of forcing myself to think that he's not good for me and there's a better one out there but if I were to be really honest, he's the best. If you knew him, you would think his personal traits are commendable. He's been brought up in a good family with strong ties. His financial account is healthy (as in, he knows how to save). He loves children and he respects his parents. It may sound little but there's a lot to describe in the 'personal traits' area.

I guess what happened in the end is the reason why I'm finding it difficult to put my shift into gear and move on, which is, I don't know what happened that led to.. whatever it is that's happening now. I don't know what happened.

Anyway, will be meeting Jaime later in the evening. Admittedly, I would much prefer to stay home and hide under my comforter, sleep off the sleepless night that I had just last night. But no. I think going out will do me a whole lot of good.

When I was happy.

2009-01-18T20:07:00.005+08:00

I have to admit that I miss him terribly. I was reading a novel when I found myself constantly linking the story to my own life. The feelings described in the book matches mine at times. Predictably, the ending in the novel was a happy ending, with the man doing a grand gesture just to get the woman, whom he finally realized he loved, back. How I wish I had a man I love fight for me, capture my heart, make me smile gaily every single day.

Oh well.

Work has been tolerable. I don't quite drag myself to work as much as I used to because there are so much to look forward to when I'm surrounded with my colleagues. It's just the journey to and fro that's a tad difficult. Thank goodness for engaging books or I would have gone mad from seeing sports bike or couples or smelling scents that would remind me of him. It's a horrible feeling. I haven't cried since I said goodbye and I would hate to finally break down one of these days. I should prepare myself as the period before my menstruation is coming soon. And you know what PMS can do to a girl.

However, I am beginning to accept the fact that maybe this is not my time. Maybe I'm not meant to be in love with anyone. At least not yet anyway. I suppose that is alright with me. I've many more years to come and many more places to explore around the world. Many more people that I would meet.

Anyway, here are some photos that I just felt like putting up. It's going into my archive so one day I'm going to read back and relive it, and claim how interesting my life is. Haha.

You're loved.

2009-01-13T22:00:00.002+08:00

I love my colleagues! They've been so supportive. I'm really touched and will take their heed. They've been comforting me that I will get a good guy, better than this recent one. They've given advices on how I can get over him. Mainly I'm talking about Serene, Gina, Arockia, Roselie, Sheryn, Lailee. Jaime has asked me along to go rollerblading with a friend of hers. And Regina has cheered me up making me so excited and looking forward to next year! I so need to save up.

Then there's my cousin, Liyana, for her listening ears and reading eyes. Hahah.

Anyway, I did went to buy myself a Jigsaw Puzzle. I shall take a picture of it once I'm finished putting it all together. I'm thinking of getting another one once this one is done. I kinda like doing Jigsaw puzzles, I realized. Especially when the image is really beautiful.

God I'm so bored right now. I don't really have anything to talk about these days. Nothing interesting is happening anymore. Ugh!

Bring the pain.

2009-01-08T11:46:00.002+08:00

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with every day. Then there's the kind of pain we can't ignore. A level of pain so great it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.

Pain. We anesthetize... ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up.

Pain. You just have to fight through. Because the truth is, you can't outrun it. And life always makes more.

My heart is damaged.

2009-01-08T09:55:00.006+08:00

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand it anymore. I've had enough of him treading all over me, repeatedly over my heart, with his soccer shoes. I really hated the hanging around not knowing what's going on, what's going to happen, why is it happening.. so I'm out.

I'm now officially single and back in the markets, not that I was ever officially not officially single before, get what I mean? I guess I was still single but just not totally available.

I'm really disappointed but I have to keep in mind that I'm really not alone. I know God has assigned someone to be mine. I just don't know where. Maybe he's already died and gone to heaven. If that's the case.. wow, if that's the case, I'll forever won't have anyone beside me until I die myself.

I will get over the most wonderful guy I've ever met. In the meantime, don't hesitate to set me up on a date with available friends of yours. Hahah. Make it natural, like accidentally on purpose see my friendster in front of your male friends. Or ask me out and just so happen he's there too. Hahah. The key word is 'natural'. Am i desperate or what? Hahah no I'm not, because even without setting me up I can still survive.

Right now I'm going to remove anything solid that links him to me. I've already cleared out my phone. His pictures, messages, handphone numbers are gone. I'm now clearing out friendster, deleting his profile and messages from mine. I'm going to throw out the stray ticket stubs including the Singapore Flyer tickets and the origami-ed heart he gave me. Oh yes, then there's the book he bought for me. You think I can donate it to the library? Hmm.... Oh and do you think my sister will notice if I threw her Adidas Body Spray into the bin? He uses the same exact body spray and I had a whiff this morning while my sister prepared to go to school. I thought someone slapped me.

I'm so pissed off with friendster. It's filled with virus. And it lags like we've got all the time in the world. It keeps refusing to delete his profile from mine. It's so screwed up. I'll try again at work.

Waiting time shortened.

2009-01-07T23:54:00.002+08:00

Hey you two! I don't mind the long comments. I rather like it actually. Anyway, thanks for the words of comfort. I'm definitely not hanging on to him if he does nothing but give me heartaches. I mean it's really not worth it to hang on to something that keeps hurting me right? That's just plain stupid, right?

Anyway, I'm cutting the waiting time short. I'm giving him till the end of next week. So, look forward to the end of the story on the night of the 18th of January. My intuition tells me it's the end. I foresee that he will have no part in my life starting 19th of Jan. But you do know that in the deepest of my deepest heart I don't wish that to happen, don't you? I'm a human and I can't help but light the tiniest candle of hope.

But when the fire does diminish, I really hope I won't cry about it. I hope I'm strong enough to let it fly right past my head.

I just can't believe that he'd do this. I actually thought he was sincere and truthful. Heh. Sincere and truly out to hurt me was what he was.

Anyway, thanks you two! At least I know I'm not the only one who's ever gone through such a shitty situation. Anyway, I've been hurt and cried over love lost before but I did get over them in the end. This is way worse but I definitely can get over it.

My problem.

2009-01-07T10:02:00.002+08:00

So. The problem is this guy I'm currently seeing. I wouldn't want to call him my boyfriend. Besides, he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. What he actually said was something like "Why can't it be we naturally become a couple? Why do I have to ask?". And when would our anniversary be, pray tell?

So, nope, he's not a boyfriend.

Well, where do I start? The beginning was really good. I enjoyed my time with him. He was really the kind of someone I would like. And he was evidently also interested in me. He says words like "I miss you" and other stuff that really made my heart soar like it had never soared before. You would wonder, how could I be taken in when I've only known him for less than 2 months? Well, I was. Call me superstitious or dopey or whatever but I thought there were signs that we were actually meant for each other; the similarities, the dreams, the coincidences, fate. You see, more often than not, when I am interested in a guy and one fine day the guy shows that he's also interested, I will lose interest in him. I thought I had some kind of sickness that needed therapy. But, thankfully (I WAS thankful, not sure about now), that losing interest thing didn't happen with him. My feelings actually grew. And I thought his was too. He was the first one saying he likes me, wants to meet my parents and wants me to be his. And being me, who never had much of a relationship with anyone, who yearns to be romantically loved, I felt such a tremendous joy. I had never been happier in my life. And people actually noticed that.

Until that one fateful date after my night shift, the morning of the 27th of December. It started quite well actually, we held hands, he held me, we talked and we laughed. And then suddenly, while looking for lunch, he became quiet and stuff like that. So I asked him "Why are you so bored? Why do you look so bored?" and he lashed out "I'm tired. Can you understand or not?". Since then my mood turned sour, and so did his. So we decided to go home. We were silent. Usually he would send me home after whatever date we were on. But I told him I wanted to take a cab and asked him how was he going to go home. At first he said "I'll send you... or you want to go home by yourself?" I said "Anything." when actually I wanted him to be with me. In the end I took the cab alone and he went to take the train. I almost wanted to stop the cab, but I didn't want to make a scene.

Ok, let's take a look at what happened the day before that made him say he was tired. On the 26th, he had to work from about 6 AM to 10.30 PM. He went home and then went out again to ride to JB with his bike friends (a Friday night non-compulsory routine) only to come back home at 4 AM. While I was on night shift, only having an hour break where I could hardly sleep. So, tell me. Is it wrong for him to say that he was tired? When he lashed at me that he was tired, whether I can understand or not, the bolder me would have told him that I worked the whole night and that he could have just not gone to JB for a laze and instead could have rested at home, to come meet me at 7.30 AM after my night shift. But that didn't happen. It never did. I never told him.

So since that screwed up event, things have gone downhill. I spent my leave up till New Year's Day without meeting him, and the messages we sent could be counted on one hand. One of the days he actually went on a road trip to some beach resort in Malaysia with one of his friends. All the while not saying that he missed me or wished I was there with him (usually he would). And on that day I made a card for him, with so much effort and feelings and heart and soul. I thought I would give him on New Year's Eve where I thought I'd be spending it with him, be with him at the stroke of midnight. But at the last minute, he said he couldn't because he had never missed spending NYE with his family. Instead he just came to my place and we sat and talked at the void deck. I went home about half an hour before midnight. He didn't even hug me (usually he would). The card that held so much was given to him, which he only read when he got home, several minutes after midnight. In that card, I reciprocated his feelings. But things got even worse.

It wasn't on that actual day itself but it was during that black period where he told me he wanted to take things slow. He's being careful because he doesn't want to get hurt. The worst thing was that remember when I left in a cab alone, he said it reminded him of the past with his ex of 7 years. He was afraid of the 'what-ifs'. So now he's been cold and distant and pulled back when I told him I like him back. He hasn't been messaging or calling or meeting. No attention to the girl that he supposedly loved and want to be with for the rest of his life.

Now I'm going to tell you a little history of his relationship with his ex. Out of 7 years, they broke up twice. The 2nd one was when he bought an engagement ring for her. I don't know which was when but the reasons she dumped him that came up was that he didn't give her enough attention and that he couldn't make her happy. To think that he's comparing me to her, the nerve! The bolder me would tell him that maybe it's not us girls' fault that things suck. Maybe the problem is him. He should learn from his mistakes. I mean seriously, it's common courtesy to call up the so-called girlfriend and ask her how things are.

But no. I'm being neglected and I don't know what disastrous mistake it was that I've done to cause this wreck. Now I'm the one doing the chasing. I will if I could, message and call him first. And that's what I did but he doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I'm making an effort. And yesterday, we were supposed to meet up since New Year's Eve but he cancelled because he was tired.

I don't know what to do here people! Maybe I should give it to him this time. He's been working and he must be tired. Fine. He told me he'll be on leave the whole of next week. So I'm going to wait until then. Maybe even until the end of January because he also has 4 off days straight some time near the end of Jan. And if we still don't meet and nothing has improved till then, then I'm REALLY out. I'm done with him. Right now, I'm already on the brink of giving up. I'm not going to message or call him or make any arrangements to meet. So if by the end of January, nothing has changed, you'll know I'll be truthfully single and available.

Meanwhile, I have my books, my music, my work, my friends, my sleep, and my Jigsaw to keep me company.

Anyway, advices and suggestions by you are gladly welcome.

Let me begin.

2009-01-06T23:22:00.000+08:00

Phew! New blog with all the old posts intact.

I've moved because, well, you all know I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now. And the cause of my going crazy knows about my old blog, and I don't want him to read about it. So what's the use of a blog if I can't say and write what's on my mind, right? And I need to let go. I need to write. It's helps me and is good for me. Thus, the new address. Welcome.

So those of you who knows about this blog are people that I've informed of the changes. Because, I don't know, I trust you and in my mind, I think you care. If I didn't tell you about this blog and you're here reading, then it's either I don't know you or there's a snitch among us.

The gory, pathetic details will be aired soon. Right now I'm tired. My eyes are tired because I just teared not too long ago.

I'm giving up.

2009-01-06T22:10:00.000+08:00

I'm out.

I'm done.

I'm tired.

I don't think I can do it anymore.

The worst thing is that I can't share with the one person that's supposed to be involved.

I really need a 1000 piece Jigsaw puzzle.

I'm distracted.

2009-01-06T13:03:00.000+08:00

I wasn't myself starting last Saturday. I came to work and told Fiza to make plans with the rest for a crazy night. I needed to dance my troubles and stress away.

On Sunday, I went out with one of my closest cousins, Liyana. We went to Marina Square, a place that holds dear to my heart, to catch the movie, The Duchess. It's a good movie. We talked and talked about stuff. Surprisingly, our troubles were of the similar nature. Had a good time with her.

Yesterday was actually supposed to be a day out with Jaime. But she didn't feel like going out at the last minute so instead she invited me over to her place. So yup, I spent the whole day at her place. We talked about the things that make us think too much, that drove us nuts and brought tears to the eyes. I saw her shoe collection, her wardrobe, her bags and ended up bringing home two pairs of footwear, two kinds of bags and quite a number of tops and a dress. Hahah. Ate dinner and sat at this 'park' near her house and talked some more. Went back up to her house and finished up a 200-piece Jigsaw puzzle. Which gave me another idea of another distraction!

I'm going to go buy a 500-1000 piece Jigsaw puzzle!

Distractions.

2009-01-04T23:11:00.000+08:00

Distractions, I welcome you with open arms.

That includes asking people out and people asking me out. I've asked people out and people have asked me out too. Good work! Continue doing that, please. I don't want to think.

I've borrowed a book from the library so reading in the public transport is great distraction from thinking.

When my eyes are tired from reading, my MP3 is forever with me so I can distract myself with the great songs so that I have difficulty thinking.

I've signed up for sign language classes so there'll be classes and practicing and studying for tests to do. Good way to distract myself from thinking.

And of course, there's work. Running here and there with loads of things to do cramped in my head. Plus money coming into my bank account which allows me to shop. Perfect distraction to avoid thinking.

I need more distractions. Think people, think of ways that I can do so that I will not think! I will be utterly grateful.

The List.

2009-01-03T22:09:00.000+08:00

Remember I made a list of 10 things I want to do before I turn 25? I am definitely working on it. Let me refresh you on what is on my list.

1. Travel to a foreign country by myself.

2. Learn to cook five(5) impressive three-course meal.

3. Spend all of a month salary in one day after passing the S$10, 000 mark.

4. Learn horse-riding.

5. Stay in England for at least 2 weeks and try to get as much out of it as I can.

6. Go to a concert.

7. Wade along the seaside and watch a sunset.

8. Improve my sign-language skills by attending classes held by SADEAF.

9. Go to a play/musical alone and dine unaccompanied in a nice restaurant.

10. Make friends with someone born and bred in another country, and keep in touch.

I've touched a little bit on point number 2. I've prepared a 4-course meal. The appetizer was Garlic Bread, the main course was Chicken with Lime Butter, the salad course was Creamy Lime Potato Salad, and the dessert was Strawberry & Banana Smoothie. And I did it all by MYSELF! I remembered how flustered I was while cooking and preparing the meal but I was damned determined. When my family tasted it, well, let's just say they didn't die of poisoning but they didn't tell me to open a restaurant either. The garlic bread was good, the chicken also good but the sauce needed improvement, the potato salad was probably the best dish and the smoothie, I forgot to put in the honey so it tasted a little bit not sweet. But hey, it's healthy! Hahaha. I shall prepare another 'insert-number-here'-course meal sometime this year, probably during one of my long annual leave days.

About point number 3, I changed the mark to S$15, 000 but I think I still won't spend all of a month's salary even after reaching that mark. I'll wait until I'm just reaching 25 years old. Hmm.. does that mean I'll only be going overseas when I'm only just reaching 25? The horror! That won't do. I'll think of something.

Point number 7. That's a dilemma. I saw the sunset. Twice. Like really, actually went somewhere just to see the sunset. Maybe once was accidental but the other one was on purpose. So.. I did see the sunset. But I put sunset and seaside in the same sentence. Again, I did see the sunset, only it wasn't at the beach. So if you look again at point number 7, does it look like two points, i.e. seaside AND sunset or does it look like it's together, i.e. sunset AT the seaside? See my dilemma? But hey, I've still got a few years left, I'm sure I can catch a sunset at the seaside before I reach 25.

And finally, point number 8. I have just filled up a form and wrote in a cheque to sign up for sign language lessons! I'm going to mail it tomorrow. I'm pleased that my mother approve of this. =)

Oh yes. Point number 10. I do have a friend of 4 years plus who's born and bred in England. I would say that I do keep in touch with him because should I ever.. no, WHEN I visit England, I'm going to call him up.

Ok. On to another topic. Check out createtalents.com. Representatives of that company actually approached me while I was on my way to work. Twice within two months I think! What a boost of confidence that was. Hahaha. But, like, seriously? I don't have the boobs for it.

Alright. Enough updates for now. I need to shit!

Before that, I just want to let everyone know, I'm making an effort on almost every aspect of my life. Hopefully, I'll be rewarded.

Dejected.

2009-01-01T10:15:00.000+08:00

I want to be happy.

Thanks a lot.

2008-12-29T21:53:00.000+08:00

I'm having the worst leave ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I'm having the sniffles, my stuff haven't arrive yet, and i'm having such a heartache over him.

The worse thing is, there's no 4 of us or 4 girls anymore it seems. Now that I think about it, I wonder how I got invited to the FOB concert in the first place. I'm not in their gang anymore what right.

Damage case.

2008-12-28T14:36:00.000+08:00

We all go through life like bulls in a china shop. A chip here, a crack there. Doing damage to ourselves. To other people. The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we have done. Or that's been done to us. Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise. Sometimes we think we can fix the damage.

And sometimes, the damage is something we can't even see...

We're all damaged, it seems. Some of us, more than others. We carry the damage with us from childhood. Then, as grown-ups, we give as good as we get. Ultimately, we all do damage.

And then... we set about the business of fixing... whatever we can.

Always be my Baby.

2008-12-24T12:29:00.000+08:00

I feel like blogging and dusting off the dirt that has settled here since the last time I came to update, but I don't know what to talk about.

Shall I talk about work? Work has been alright. CE is under renovation so it's been really cramped. I've been turning and doing pirouttes as if the only way to move around is by dancing. There are hardly any space to walk. You could easily bump into anyone with every three steps.

Also, they've rearranged things in CE. It's like suddenly, hey where's Obs 1 and hey where's the medicine trolley? Or where do I do FBC? The worst thing about the rearranging is the nurses' counter. They put it right in front of the red door where everyone outside can see you.

We have the computer on the desk where we can see the queue so when a parent comes in to ask when it would be their turn or how long would it be before their turn, we'd have to look at the computer and the parents also can see the screen. Before long, they just come in and look at the screen to see where they are on the queue without asking. It's SOOOOO ANNOYING!! No privacy at all because they can see the names and the complaint of other patients. They are actually NOT allowed to look at our computers! I got so pissed off that whenever that happens I'll stare at them and say 'Yes?'. Good thing I can wear a mask otherwise they can see I'm snarling. Or when I feel a presence behind me, and that person is not asking for any help but is obviously trying to look at the screen, I purposely minimize the window and walk away. One time this parent actually lingered at the doorway like he's the guard of the door trying to look at the screen every 5-10 minutes.

ARGH!!

Shall I talk about that someone new in my life? Well, I like him a lot! I miss him every time I don't see him and I'm excited and happy whenever I do see him. Every time I see or hear a sports bike it reminds me of him. Every time I see a guy in uniform, I wonder how he looks like in his own uniform. I long for the day that I'd see him in the No. 1 uniform. God knows how I love men in uniform.

The No. 1 uniform looks something like this, only his is red stripes. I think.

Imagine that on this:

With this:

Whoo! Haha.

But besides that, he's nice. He makes me laugh. He loves his family. He loves kids. He makes me happy. He's a good guy.

I'm his secret admirer. I'm talking about the boy on the left. Haha.

Save me.

2008-12-11T12:56:00.000+08:00

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.

Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it's hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that it's happy right now.

See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you, and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

Time.

2008-12-01T15:07:00.000+08:00

If I could change jobs for a day (or 10 years), I would like to be a paleontologist or an archeologist. I want to dig the earth with a spoon and dust the bones with the smallest paintbrush. I want to discover the skull of prehistoric animals. I want to come upon a tomb of someone popular that lived way, way, WAY before my grandfather was born. I want to dwell on the mysteries of T-rex and Tutankhamen. I want to unearth what 70 million years could not hide.

Wouldn't that be interesting?

It wasn't long ago that all my friends and I would talk about was the new guy they met and where they go on dates or what movies they watch during dates. Now, most of what I'm hearing is how long they've been together and what colour theme their wedding is going to be.

Time is changing. I'm growing older. The time will come when I'll be hearing about which school their children will be going to or what career their children are going into.

Anyway.

I spent 15 hours straight with him yesterday. After my night shift, he came to fetch me at 0730 hours. I bought a Mocha Frap first thing. Amazing thing, coffee. Relaxed at Starbucks. Super comfy chairs. Comfortable chat. Then we caught "Quarantine" at Century Square. The theatre was practically empty. I like. Headed to Orchard Cineleisure and got a Movie Chamber at E2Max. I introduced the movie "The Kite Runner" to him. It became one of his favourites. His kind of movie, I guess. He told me he likes me. After that we headed to Borders, sat on the floor, and I tried to make him read. Haha. We ended up reading books on horoscopes and zodiac signs, stuff like that. Went to eat a late dinner at Downtown East. I felt the journey from Orchard to Downtown was so long and he rode very fast. When we reached he asked if I fell asleep because he felt my helmet resting on his back. I can't remember. All I know was that I closed my eyes most of the way to DE. Hahah. Ate and he sent me home.

I've been hanging out a lot with him. So far I'm enjoying my time with him. I like the conversations we had. I like when he teases me, then I get to hit him. Playfully of course. Haha.

I think I like him too. When I'm at home and I hear the bike sound, I keep thinking that could be him. And I'll be like why would he be here? Haha.

To his younger sister, if she's reading this, I'm sorry I didn't mention you in my previous entry. Haha. I am now. Thanks for helping your brother get to know me.

He brought me to Kent Ridge park to see the sunset. I love the tree.

I like silhouettes. Those two human forms, that's not us. Haha.

Awwww.. sunsets. So romantic right, Ryan? Hahaha.

I'm Dating.

2008-11-21T20:48:00.000+08:00

So. I met someone new. The first time we met, we took the Flyer after catching a movie. And then we had some leg exercise walking around looking for something that could meet our appetite. We finally settled on Sakura.

The Flyer was beautiful! The view from the top was breath-taking. I didn't get to see the sunset though but the lights from the buildings and roads were pretty enough.

That road bridge over there, that's my favourite road to travel on cuz I get to see the Flyer. Huge wheel.

That's one of the Flyer's capsule. The bright lights on the left corner, that's where they're building the future Las Vegas, Singapore Version.
That's the Marina Barrage.

I wanted to take taxi home after that but he said his mom adviced him to see me home. Very sweet of her. Speaking about her, his family sounds very nice. I like hearing him telling me about his family. His elder sister is a nurse, too.

The next day was the day that I had to start work. I was on afternoon shift and since he was off on that day, he picked me up from work and sent me home, on this!

And I got to use the helmet that only showed off my eyes. Haha. The first time was exciting and scary. But I enjoyed the wind. He rode so fast that if I hadn't held on tight, I'd fly off and most probably die.

Yesterday after our work, he brought me to Marina Barrage, where they had this huge circular bridge that overlooks the dam, the sea with cargo ships, the buildings. When we walked up the slope, there was a point where all I could see was grassy hilltop and the sky. It felt like I was walking up a hill and be on top of the world! It reminded me of places like Switzerland and other country places where you can stand on top of the hill and almost touch the sky. When you look down you can see little villages and animals and plantations.

Anyway, we sat and talked and laughed, bla, bla, bla. We were facing the sea, see. Suddenly he told me to turn around and I saw the sunset! The orange sun looked so big then. The throw of colours it made against the sky was awesome. I wanted to take a picture with my phone but by the time I got ready, the sun had almost disappeared below the horizon. All I had was this:

After that, we went to Vivo City to eat. I fed him well. Haha. That was the moment that I got to know a little about his dad. From how he talked about him, his dad is funny. Hahah.

After eating, he brought me to Mount Faber. But we only rode past. Pretty place. I think I just like being so high from the ground. And then home sweet home.

Each day I got home smiling.

Gotta Be Somebody.

2008-11-12T19:59:00.000+08:00

This time, I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life, the one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I'll be waiting for the real thing, I'll know it by the feeling
The moment when we're meeting, will play out like a scene
Straight off the silver screen
So I'll be holding my own breath, right up till the end
Until that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

Cause nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
Someone to love with my life in their hands
There's gotta be somebody for me like that

Cause nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight
And dammit this feels too right, it's just like deja vu
Me standing here with you
So I'll be holding my own breath, could this be the end
Is it that moment when, I find the one that I'll spend forever with

You can't give up, looking for a diamond in the rough
You never know, when it shows up, make sure you're holding on
Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

Nobody wants to do it on their own
And everyone wants to know they're not alone
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Nobody wants to be the last one there
Cause everyone wants to feel like someone cares
There's somebody else that feels the same somewhere
There's gotta be somebody for me out there

Lailee's Wedding.

2008-11-08T20:40:00.000+08:00

I never realized that weddings could make me cry. I've never cried at weddings before. Maybe because most of the weddings I attended was when I was really young and I have no idea how the brides and grooms are related to me. Or I didn't come early enough or stay long enough to soak up the emotional atmosphere. Like Lia's wedding.

But I guess I'm growing up. I attended Lailee's wedding today with several of my other colleagues. Oh! And I saw Dr. CK Wong and Dr. TC Tay. How sweet of them to come. Anyway, Lailee looked really pretty just now. Gorgeous and stunning. The part where her husband sang to her was utterly sweet. You can't really keep your eyes off Lailee during that part. She was smiling widely and her eyes lit up. It was evident that she's really, really happy. I was so touched that I teared up a little.

Oops. Sorry. Can't help but be an 'S' and talk about feelings. *Rolls eyes*

I wish I can experience this kind of happiness.

Anyway. I need to learn to be more of an 'I'.

Love/Addiction.

2008-11-02T21:42:00.000+08:00

In the hospital, we see addiction every day. It's shocking, how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it was just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life, at some point cross the line to obsessive. Compulsive. Out of control. It's the high we're chasing. The high that makes everything else... fade away.

The thing about addiction is, it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high... stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don't kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you're there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse.

Fate?

2008-10-22T20:55:00.000+08:00

I was too light.

But for what is worth, I made a new friend, PTE Bryan Choo. =)

MY FAVOURITE AMBULANCE!

I'm a grandmother!

2008-10-18T19:19:00.000+08:00

I haven't told you about my babies! They're all grown up and already made love and gave birth to 6 cute little babies. Well, at first, they weren't cute. They were tiny pink hairless weird looking things. But by the third week, they've opened their eyes and their fur has grown! Adorable little things, I tell you!

I couldn't wait to touch them. I was almost sad that I had difficulty catching them with their parents around biting off at my fingers. But one day, in the middle of the night, I woke up, and was finally able to hold one of them in my hands! Why such weird timing? We had 6 babies, see. But one day, one of them disappeared. One night, my sisters woke me up in a hoo-haa saying they found the lost baby. Their pathetic efforts of catching it drove me out of bed to rescue it personally. And I did! But it was really in the middle of the night and I was sleepy. So I just put it back to it's home and went back to sleep. Hahah.

Anyway, we gave away 3 of them to my cousins. But guess what? It hasn't been five weeks since the 6 of them were born when just yesterday, the parents gave birth to another 5! But today one of them died. I really wanted to feel some pity. I did. A little. But it was hard because a few days old hamster babies are really not that cute. The first time I saw them, I thought they were worms! But they become really cute little furballs by the time they reach 3 weeks.

Disobey, and you die.

2008-10-14T23:45:00.000+08:00

Went to Marina Square today with Jaime after work.

Have I told you how much I like that area? It's near Esplanade and The Fullerton Hotel and the Singapore Flyer and nice shops. Mostly I like the view.

Got our nails done! Mani for me, pedi for her.

Went to sit by the bay.

Lights up!

That's her.

After that we ate dinner at Secret Recipe, same outlet as the other time I went with my Millennia friends. Same waiter la sia! I know he recognized me. But I don't care.

Jaime, I don't flirt and you are a Chinese.

And I kinda like my phone =)

Melancholy.

2008-10-13T21:49:00.000+08:00

Today I saw a case that is truly and utterly disturbing to me, and it freaked me out. Still does.

I saw a worm! It was long and thin and pink. I didn't look too closely or long enough to see whether it was alive because I'd faint and die or just have a nightmare should I see it wriggling about. It was on a tissue paper in one of the consultation rooms. One of the patients were said to have shit-ted that out. OMG! During my lunch, Kak Jah brought that case up. And I swear I'd lose my appetite, only I was pretty hungry. But it got worse when Michelle asked what colour it was and Kak Jah said it looked like the colour of my sausage! Dear God! It got even worse than that when Huda said "Eee, maggots!". I was eating rice, see. I've a phobia of worms. A phobia so bad that I could end up in a mental hospital and never be cured.

After work, met up with Jaime at Tampines Mall and caught the movie Eagle Eye! It was pretty awesome, I say! I love it. And I admire Shia Labeouf greatly. From acting in a comedy in a children/youth show, he went to become quite a great star after acting in Hollywood films like "Transformers" and now, "Eagle Eye". And I loved both! I never thought I'd like action movies, but those two named movies were absolutely awesome. I just didn't like the ending in Eagle Eye where Rachel kissed Shia. Isn't she way older than him?

Pretty good-looking, no? He's really cute in Eagle Eye.

After that, we went to eat our late dinner. And spent a lot of the time before our last bite and sip of our drinks talking. When she talked about Leslie (however you spell it), it reminded me of someone I know.

The first five or six times we spent together was some of the best time of my life. I could swear I was in love, or maybe just really, really liked him. He treated me well and I felt special. I felt taken care of. But I was also able to understand when Jaime mentioned some of her doubts about Leslie that maybe Leslie treats all girls like that. That was what I thought of him too. But, I don't know, most of the time when I was with him, I couldn't be happier. Sometimes I even let myself think that maybe he liked me back. But that all ended on the sixth(?) 'date'.

That day we flew kites. That day we sat on a bench along some river/lake/sea and talked and I cried in front of him. He got me blind-folded and brought me to a place where we could stand back and observe the sky-high lighted concrete and glass buildings against the night sky. That evening after dinner, we walked along a river, sat down and talked somemore. That evening he made me laugh. That evening he casually measured the length of my fingers against his. That night I thought he caught my heart. And that night was also when he fought with his then girlfriend. He got upset and all quiet after that. I only tapped his shoulder that was nearest to me to comfort him, when what I really wanted to do was give him a hug. That night I went home knowing it'll never be what it was like before. That night, and one or two days after, I cried until my eyes got puffy.

It took me some time to get over it. We still, well, used to, talk and message and go out. And all those time that we talked and messaged and went out (after the incident) the feelings I had for him was still there, niggling at the back of my head. But it was like a candle whose wick is getting short. It struggles to keep lighted, keep alive but in the end it just dies. And for me it's only the memory of the fun and happy and special times that sometimes makes it hard for me to get over him or forget him.

But of course, now I really, really have to shake it off cuz he now has a new girlfriend.

Hmm.. that was detailed. But who really cares if he finds out I'm talking about him right? We hardly contact each other anymore now that he's newly attached anyway.

Love will come through.

2008-10-10T17:16:00.000+08:00

I think I slept for only about 2 hours last night, before I had to wake up at 4.30 in the morning for work. I could NOT sleep! And even when I finally knocked off, I felt like I was still awake. I was hardly in deep slumber. But somehow I got up bright and wide-eyed. I was even able to read my book in the train.

Work has been alright. For the past two or three days I felt pretty good with my patients. I hope this thing that's happening is not seasonal. I wanna be able to go for the extra mile for my patients constantly. Ok.. maybe for the time being let me just make sure they're pleased with my services.

I was in Obs 2 for many days already. Too much respi bugs and puffs and gases that my throat has started to itch. First few days of my Obs 2 streak, I almost wanted to cry when patients keep coming in. There were so many of them, so many things to do that I think I looked pretty harried. My desk was a perpetual mess. I talked like I was in a rush.

But after the third day or so of my Obs 2 streak, forever having to look upon the face of Dr. Benny Loo, I began to get used to having my room flooded with patients. With so many days of having children screaming and crying in my room, I'm beginning to talk much louder to my patients. Not in the rude way, just in a volume level whereby they didn't have to say 'Huh?' or 'Sorry?' or 'What?' anymore. Cuz you all know, I'm pretty soft.

Dr. Loo said I was going to blog how I hate him for bringing in so many patients. He even tried to mimick my voice! Even if I want to not like you, I find I can't. Believe me. Besides, I don't really dislike anyone. The feeling pass once work has ended. We are all doing our jobs anyway.

T-Shirt.

2008-10-07T15:46:00.000+08:00

Parking.

2008-10-06T21:10:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Oops, almost fell off my chair.

I'm watching My Wife and Kids, after watching Friends. I'm in good health.

Anyway, you all know I just graduated from driving school not too long ago. Plus I haven't had that many chance to drive since my dad uses the car most of the time. So that also means I haven't had that many opportunities to practice my parking. I can count the number of times I had to park the car with my hands. One hand. And only once I was able to do it without any help, and I did it perfectly. I was actually amazed at myself. I think I know how to park when the parking lot is on my right side. I'm still unable to park the car that well when the lot is on my left side.

The last time I had to park the car was about a week ago, Hari Raya. I was in the multi-storey carpark. Found a lot and had to reverse into the vertical parking lot sandwiched between a wall and a car, the lot being on my left side. Gosh! I can NEVER park the car! I had to do several attempts and I would have done more and never get in, if a stranger hadn't stood behind my car and called out instructions. And that was exactly what happened. This man was at his car taking something out from it and apparently saw my pathetic attempts at parking. My dad was next to me on the passenger side trying to help me, and my mum got out of the car so she can look for me if I was gonna hit the car or the wall. So that man came and gave me a helping hand.

"Reverse, reverse, reverse! Turn now! Some more, some more, some more. OK, stop, you see you're too near? Ok move forward a little. Straight. OK, reverse! Reverse, reverse.. straighten now! Now just reverse straight back. Alright! Practice more, yea?" he called out.

My mom and my 3 sisters at the back seat were already laughing at me. God! I got even more embarrassed when another guy, the owner of the car, that I had to park my car next to, appeared. I have no idea how long he was already there, watching a stranger calling out help lines to me. Was he relieved that I didn't dent or scratch his car? Maybe.

Anyway, I didn't get the chance to call out my thanks to the stranger. He already left while I wallow for a while in my embarrassing moment.

I HAVE TO WATCH EAGLE EYE.

Out with Jaime.

2008-09-30T22:58:00.000+08:00

I suffered from a huge disappointment yesterday. I will forever have that depressing, sunken feeling as long as I don't have Samsung Omnia in my hands that I can claim my own.

Today marks the last day of the fasting month. Selamat Hari Raya to you all out there.

I spent today going for an IV course. After that I used up an hour reading my borrowed book (Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas by James Patterson. It's supposed to be a very good book, very moving, that makes you cry and cry.) while waiting for Jaime. She's two or three years my senior, not that she looks old at all. We headed to Bugis for some shopping. I must say I was suprised when she asked me out cuz we hardly talked at work.

I can't say enough about the saying "Don't Judge a Book by Its Cover". If I hadn't agreed to go out with Jaime today, I wouldn't have actually known her at all. What I see of her might probably remain forever as someone who's the life of the party, who's loud and popular, really confident, who has a lot of things going on in her life, a total opposite of me, if I hadn't gone out with her today.

I'm not saying that she's not all of those thing I've just described. But I guess I found out more about her, probably the real her when we talked. She's really down to earth, smart, funny, and really like a... real person, you know what I mean? There's something.. solid about her personality now that I've got to know her a little. Otherwise, she'll be like.. I don't know.. air? something you can't grab hold of?

Anyway, I found out we have some similarities. Besides the physical similarities of being underweight, having really tiny waists and wrists, and short bob hairstyle, we both tend to be the quiet ones when in a big group of people, especially when there are people more outspoken and more dominating in the group. We like guys of a different race from us. And we like to buy things that are cheap but doesn't look cheap.

Even so, our brassiere sizes are different. Hahah. She knows how to be confident and is able to talk and make herself seem sociable even when there are many people around. I don't. I'm still pretty quiet unless being spoken or talked to and my confidence level is still shaky. Our fashion style differs quite a bit, though I do really like her fashion sense. She knows how to put together a great outfit. Even if it's rare, she has the confidence to wear it. Like, you know, some people might wear something that could look nice, but if the person is not confident in what she's wearing, she won't look good.

I truly enjoyed myself today.

An Experience.

2008-09-28T20:01:00.000+08:00

I feel like shopping. But all I do is work and go home, work and go home. I can't even think of going shopping after work when all I can think of is "I have work tomorrow". Which just leads to a sinking and exhausting feeling.

For a couple of weeks already, every day as I go to work, I pass by Dorothy Perkins and there, on this headless mannequin, is a very nice plaid shirt and a thick belt wrapped around the waist. How I've always thought of just stepping into the shop and take a closer look at that top. But I hardly ever do a detour just before going to work, even if I'm early.

I wanna order some things from Forever21.com. Anyone wants something from there too? Save some from the shipping costs?

Anyway, I realized working in a place full of children does things to you and your uniform. Since I've worked in CE, I've had drool, vomit, medicine, snot, blood, and tears on my face, uniform, and shoes. I've even got one or ten pairs of footprints on the pants of my uniform when the kids kick and scream while I prick their fingers and squeeze several drops of their blood into a tiny tube. Good thing the one time I was holding a child of a few months old down to help with the suctioning, he wasn't wearing shoes. Or else I would have black prints on my chest too. Though, of course, I did suffer some discomfort from my boobs being kicked by his tiny feet.

And recently, I had to assist in feeding this small kid activated charcoal because he ingested iodine. Charcoal is black. And it's in liquid form. I prepared myself by wearing an apron and gloves. After a couple of feeding the sooty liquid to the struggling and crying boy, I realized what I donned on to protect myself was utterly useless. He finally erupted and dark vomit that consisted of some semi-solid curd-like stuff rained down onto my pants and my shoes and seeped in, warming my toes. EWW! Squish, squish I go as I staggered to the toilet and get as much vomit off from me as possible. When I was done, I was soaked from my shins down.

Alright, babes and dudes. I'm outta here to go iron my uniform.

Emergency Rooms.

2008-09-17T03:19:00.000+08:00

From this:

To what you see above. It got photoshopped. I don't know if I spoiled the picture by adding the fake colourful flowers, but who really cares? I like the hanging moss/ferns/vines thingies on the brick background though.

On to another topic, being a nurse is hard. It's really, really difficult. Especially when you work in ERs. I don't know about other countries, but in Singapore, people of all ages, suffering from all kinds of illness (from slight fever of one day to breathing difficulty to fatal road traffic accidents) WILL, and I repeat, WILL, at some point in their lives, visit the ERs. And when I say ER, I mean Emergency Room. It is meant for EMERGENCIES, life threatening, fatal cases that needs prompt treatment. If you have major injuries and medical problems that would lead you to a grave, by all means, we welcome you to the ER.

Those with cough of one day, fever of two days, abdominal pain for less than a day can easily be treated in GPs or polyclinics. There are plenty around in Singapore. But no. Most of the cases we see in the ER are these people.

And if you don't know how the workflow is like in the ERs, please, cease your complaining. In the ERs, we attend to the cases that are more urgent, more critical first. That means, should a 10-year-old boy be rushed in by an ambulance, sustaining a major head injury and several fatal fractures in the body 1 HOUR or 2 HOURS after YOU came, and you're still waiting to see the doctor, we will see to the boy first. Thus, you have to wait longer.

So with all these non-emergency cases constantly coming in, when there's an emergency, or at least a more serious case, you non-emergency cases (Cat 3) are pushed back. Although there are doctors meant to see these Cat 3 cases, some or all of them might have to do procedures on their patients, or they might need to review their other patients, or wait for the senior doctor to discuss the cases with. Can you see how the waiting time gets longer? You might as well go to GPs and polyclinics and wait for the same time cheaper.

Of course, I won't mind if these non-emergency cases comes in. Just as long as they don't come up to our nurses' station and give us a verbal abuse, I'm fine. We're fine. But that hardly ever happens. Never a day where there's more than 20 people on the queue to see a doctor goes by that we wouldn't suffer from some kind of verbal abuse. And you can't even imagine the sort of abuse we get. One of the patients actually said "F*** you" or "You're stupid" to colleagues of mine. And from what I read in the newspapers, some patients even threatened the nurses saying "Watch out if I see you outside".

They come in with their black faces and demand to know when they'll be attended to. When we explain to them the reasons why the waiting time is so long or tell them how many more patients to go before their turn, they give this "TSK!" noises and a huge frustrated sigh and shoot daggers and knives at us with their eyes and mouth.

Sometimes they come in again and ask again. When they're not happy with our reply, they'll say "I WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR NOW!". Like what in the world can WE do? It's the doctors that are seeing the patients. They're the ones calling the patients. We don't have much power to force the doctors to see you right away unless your child/relative takes a turn for the worse. Why don't you just barge into the doctors' room yourselves?

Of course, we try as much as we can to calm you down, communicate with you with the best possible service that we have. Give you the service from the heart. There was actually a course "Service from the Heart" for us. Frankly, most of us find it B*******. Most of the things we learn there is not really in the context of the ERs. So anyway, what we learned, is mostly to apologize first. Which sucked because we're not doing anything wrong. But we say it anyway, to show how humble we are, hoping you'll calm down. But no. Some would reply "Sorry, sorry for what?! Sorry can't do anything for me!" And then we tell them all the reasons we can possibly find with as much sugar-coated voice as we can possibly do without cringing and try our hardest not to yell at them when they demand and scream at us again and again.

Sure, maybe some of you reading this think that maybe we should use a stern voice and clean words that would eventually, to them sound like bad words. Put them in their place. Don't let them walk all over us. Like what you see on TV. TV sure can be rubbish sometimes. I don't want to get sacked, nor do I want to get a bruised eye or a broken nose should I accidentally provoke them with my tone of voice and reasonable reasons.

I'm just saying that angry patients/parents have selective hearing. They don't want to listen and take in the fact.

After all the commotion, they'll stomp out and continue waiting with burning hearts. When the doctors finally call them in, that's when most of us nurses hate it. Not because we're afraid they might yell at the doctors too, more of the opposite. Most patients will sit there, smiling sweetly, listening attentively, talking politely and say how professional they are, how competent they are. AGH!!! Just because we're nurses that help clean up your butt and serve you medications and give you the treatments and education you deserve and get pathetic salaries, you think you can give us an attitude? Like Jaime said, nurses are doctors at heart (after several years of experience of course), we just don't have the certificate. The worst thing is that it's not our fault! Maybe it's not the doctor's fault either. It could be your own fault because you come in to the ER when you don't have an E anywhere on you and build up the waiting time.

I like taking care of people, see them get the treatment they need to get better. But I hate how sometimes the 'slave' is more than the 'nurse'.

Dr. Benny Loo.

2008-09-13T20:31:00.000+08:00

Things are looking up at work, I suppose. Lailee and Fiza have been great with assuring me and all that. I mean, seriously. It got so bad that I had nightmares almost every night.

Well, I don't really have much to talk about. Just that I found out that nurses have been reading my blog and Dr. Benny Loo happened to see it too. I totally didn't think they'd read my past entries. Now he knows that I'd mentioned him in my blog. Plus he saw two other doctors' names. Who would have thought Dr. Chew Weida was his classmate? Oh my GOD! Now my mind is running through the lines of previous entries, trying hard to remember what I wrote long, long time ago. Anyway, I'm not sure if Dr. Benny really read through the entries about him and the other doctors, or if he just glimpsed the names. Wah.. embarrassing.

So that was how one morning came, Dr. Benny arrived at work and almost yelled "Nadiah!". Just hearing my name alone gave me a shock because it was unexpected that he knows my name and is able to match the name to a face. Because, those people who know me, I'm pretty quiet. I'm mostly in the background. He continued with, "I didn't know you write so well. I saw your blog." I think I got scared and kinda stood still for a while, trying to recall my words. Hahaha. Hmm.. I didn't say anything about the doctors being cute, did I? So for three days straight after that, he reminded me to write on my blog. Not about what I'm doing or what's been going on in my life, know. He hinted at me to write how jinxed and fed up he is. Hahaha.

So, here I am. Well.. he really is jinxed. Whenever he is the resus doctor, resus cases keeps coming in. So besides the usual crowd of patients, he also has to run out in the middle of consultations to attend to a resus. And I guess he was really busy that he told me to write in my blog that he's "fed up". Hahah. I don't know if I'm making him more jinxed, but twice when I tried to give him a '9' case, not half an hour later, resus was called for.

The first time I tried to give him, early in the morning, when there's hardly any patients, even though he was resus doctor. He said "But I'm resus leh." Usually I try not to give resus doctors '9' cases but my seniors say if there's no other doctors, and there's no resus, you can give to a resus doctor. So anyway, I said "But now no resus." But in the end, I gave the '9' case to another doctor. At least he said it nicely and jokingly kind of way. Wah.. I don't think 30 minutes even passed when they called for a resus, and he had to hurry out. Good thing I didn't give him the '9' case, right?

Today, he was again the resus doctor. It was still early in the morning, 8am I think. There should be at least 2 morning doctors, Dr. Benny was one. The other one was late. So a '9' case came at about 8am. There was no one else to give the '9' case to so I had to give it to Dr. Benny la. He was like "No choice, right?" Haha. This time, not 5 minutes later, there was a resus. He hardly got a chance to ask a question to the '9' case patient, when he had to run for resus. And I felt so guilty la. Hahaha. Funny sia. He looked amused when he rushed to the resus room. You know the kind when you laugh in short gasps when you realize how jinxed you are. In his mind he must be saying "Unbelievable! I am NOT going to take a '9' case from Nadiah again when I'm the resus doctor." Haha.

But he's cool. Super nice doctor.

Carousel.

2008-09-10T21:47:00.000+08:00

Today was fun. Something did spoil some of my mood. But it's ok. I know I didn't do anything wrong so.. forget it.

Anyway, today is the day I broke fast with my colleagues. Met up with Nadhirah first a few hours before all of us were suppose to meet. And I went to cut my hair. Fantastic luck, I got a cute young male hair stylist. Anyway, ended up getting bangs. I have no idea how to maintain this hairstyle. I like my hair stylist, Darren Shen. He's not only utterly cute, but he's friendly as well and gives recommendations. Plus he has great hair. This is my fourth time going to that salon. Definitely returning there. Maybe I'll get my hair done there whenever I visit Orchard Road, which is not often. At the end, he made me do a survey/feedback. Peculiar questions include "Do you have Friendster/Facebook?" and "Can we add you in Friendster/Facebook?". Hahah. Anyway, Nadhirah got influenced and got her fringe done too.

After that, we window-shopped and met the rest outside Carousel. Those went were Julianah, Kak Ros, Kak Rakiyah, Kak Haniza, Yanti, Lailee and her boyfriend.

Carousel is an upscale restaurant, for those who don't know. Like me. It's very nice. The food was awesome! The desserts.. I can just moan with pleasure. There were souffle, tiramisu, cake, fondue, cream brulee and many many more. Today was a day of many firsts. Dining in a fine restaurant, eating desserts I've only heard of, having a cloth napkin on my lap instead of tissue paper, eating all kinds of seafood that came from shells. I ate raw oyster! Oh my God. And I don't think I've ever eaten in a place where each person has to pay $52. At least.

Of course there were pictures taken and laughter shared. Pictures will be up when I get them.

At the end, the bill went into the hundreds. Not one or two. More. And a surprise awaited us, one of us 'belanja' us! I don't know if I can air out her name here but those who know what/who I'm talking about, then you know la. Thanks so much!

Since we didn't get to use our $52, Julianah and I didn't mind taking a cab home. It was a really good experience today.

Nobody's perfect.

2008-09-09T23:49:00.000+08:00

Everybody makes mistakes.
Everybody has those days.
Everybody knows what I'm talking about.
Everybody gets that way.

Sometimes I'm in a jam, I've gotta make a plan.
It might be crazy, I do it anyway.
No way to know for sure, I'll figure out a cure.
I'm patching up the holes, but then it overflows.
If I'm not doing too well, why be so hard on myself?

Nobody's perfect.
I gotta work it.
Again and again 'til I get it right.
Nobody's perfect.
You live and you learn it.
And if I mess it up sometimes...
Nobody's perfect.

Sometimes I work a scheme, but then it flips on me.
Doesn't turn out how I planned, get stuck in quick sand.
No problem can't be solved, once I get involved.
I try to be delicate, then crash right into it.
But my intentions are good, sometimes just misunderstood.

Nobody's perfect.
I gotta work it.
I know in time I'll find a way.
Nobody's perfect.

Sometimes I fix things up, and they fall apart again.
Nobody's perfect.
I might mix things up, but I always get it right in the end.
You know I do.

Next time you feel like it's just one of those days,
When you just can't seem to win,
If things don't turn out the way you plan,
Figure something else out.
Don't stay down, try again!

Nobody's perfect.
I gotta work it.
Again and again 'til I get it right.
Nobody's perfect.
You live and you learn it.
And if I mess it up sometimes...
Nobody's perfect.
I gotta work it.
I know in time I'll find a way
Nobody's perfect.
'Cause everybody makes mistakes.

MI Gathering.

2008-09-07T22:27:00.000+08:00

I had an awesome time with Shikin, Haiqal, Sean, Shu Xian, Azfar and Fizah after work today. After weeks of organising this MI gathering, out of 10 people invited, only these 6 came.

These people are the friends I made during the 3 months period after secondary school ended and before JC/Poly started. We only knew each other for 3 months but we totally enjoyed our time in MI and I guess we've gotten close. But it's only after 3 years that we decided to have this gathering.

I went to Marina Square straight after work, succeeding in not getting lost. I think I waited close to an hour for the rest to arrive. Slowly one by one came. All of us haven't seen or talk to each other for years, almost 3 years. So anyway, at first, with only Azfar, Haiqal, Shikin and Sean, it was weird as hell. We were too quiet, shy maybe. We asked each other what each of us were doing with our lives now. It was awkward. It wasn't until much much later, some time before we headed to Secret Recipe to break fast, during our arcade session, that the ice finally broke, big time.

During dinner we reminisced our times during our MI days. How we skipped lectures, how we played pool after school, how we didn't do our homework, our teachers, the pranks we played, how we played cards at the back of the lecture hall, the other friends in our class. Had a great laugh.

After that we went to Changing Appetites and ate three different kinds of ice cream and desserts. It was yummy! The guys played a prank on Fizah, as usual. You know the Tabasco sauce, they bluffed her by saying it's actually a drink sweetener. Hahaha. Fizah doesn't know what the sauce is actually. So she poured some drops of the sauce into her drink and drank it. Her reaction thereafter was hilarious. I took a video of it but am not gonna post it here. Sean laughed till he cried while Azfar laughed till he almost rolled of his chair to the floor. It was so much fun.

After that, Sean sent Shikin, Haiqal, Shu Xian and I home in his car. Again we reminisced about the times we went out before. So much fun. Anyway, he sent us straight to our blocks. It was so nice of him. He even opened the door for me and held my hand while I got out. SUCH a gentleman. I want this kind of guy. He's so cool.

At the end of the day, I'm very relieved and utterly happy that the outing was a success. Ice got broken and we had fun and laughter. Everyone enjoyed themselves. I'm relieved because I was the main organiser of this gathering. So I was really stressing during the weeks I was planning this and contacting them like crazy. I was so worried no one would enjoy themselves. But, hey, it ended perfectly. I can't wait for the next outing with them!

Dedicated to Tini, Aisyah & Nisa.

2008-09-01T02:29:00.000+08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Last minute cancellation.

2008-08-31T15:54:00.000+08:00

I'm looking good today. I'm dressed, made up. In anticipation of seeing cute pilots, I had a hairdresser do my hair right before I was supposed to go out to meet them. I was looking forward to touching a fighter plane, watch the aerial display of the F16, maybe try the flight simulator and hopefully have my pictures taken with the pilots in uniform next to a jet.

I was supposed to go to the RSAF Open House 2008 today.

But I'm at home. After getting the text, I went home after getting my hair done for nothing. I got it ruined when it started raining. My make up doesn't look fresh anymore. I had to change out of my outfit. And the only thing I watched was TV, the only pictures I took were *cough* of myself and now I'm suffering from a stomachache from eating expired mayonaise.

Hope can be such a bitch sometimes.

But before anybody gets any kind of feelings, I'm fine. I think. And if you-know-who is reading this, it's ok. I'm not mad.

I guess I have to wait for the next Open House. I don't know if it'll be as great because it's their 40th anniversary this year. And people go over the top for anniversaries.

Hmm. Let's see. What's the next thing to look forward to? There's the MI Gathering next weekend, which I have no idea if it'll make history because so far only 2 or 3 out of 10 RSVP-ed. I'm just so tired of planning already. I'm going to wait until the last minute to chase them and if they can't make it, I'll make a last minute cancellation. Ha. Ha. As if. I can't do that. I'm the kind of person that will plan what to wear a couple of days before, make sure I have all the numbers, the directions.

Maybe I should go with the flow more.

UPDATED at 9.52PM
I have a favourite writer I want to share to all of you. His name is Dave Barry. He mostly writes articles I think. I first came across him while reading the newspaper. He's awesome. His articles are full of humour. I totally laughed out loud whenever I read his columns. Here's an article he wrote that got me into fits of laughter. I urge you to read it yourself. Especially when you need something interesting at this moment right here, this second.

A Healthy Dose of Pain by Dave Barry

Out with Tini and Aisyah.

2008-08-30T23:50:00.000+08:00

Yoo-hoo!

Today, after taking a few hours of shut eye after night shift, I went to meet Tini and Aisyah for a catching up session.

We went to Vivo City. Actually we wanted to catch the movie 4bia but the tickets sold out and the next show time was a bit too late. Anyway, I've already seen it but the other two girls have not. It's quite a good horror movie, with some humour in it. This show is rated NC16 in Singapore. So of course, I can easily get in. But, you know what happened? The ticket person actually asked for my ID! She said I looked young. Hahah. I looked like someone below 16 years old. That's like at least 5 years younger than my real age. Isn't that awesome? Haha. The secret to my youthful look? Short hair. Hahah. Which doesn't seem to work on Tini since she said I looked mature with my current hairstyle. Aisyah, however, disagrees with Tini. Haha. Good good.

Ok. We couldn't find any other interesting movies so we left and ate at The Chicken Rice Shop. So expensive. I only ordered Stuffed Fish Balls Soup, which was a tad salty. We chatted and updated each other on our lives, all of us stressing about the JCI audit. I hope I don't get audited. I want to be on night shift on that day but as it's an audit, I don't know which day they'll come to CE.

Anyway, after eating we went shopping and had Chocolate Fondue at Haagen Daz. Talked and laughed some more and we decided to go for a short and cheap holiday in mid-November to Genting Highlands. Tini got all excited. Remember, you guys, take your leave between 13-16th November, yea? We'll discuss further during our next outing.

Then we went to the Sky Park and chilled.

I had a great time with them. It's been super long since we've last seen each other, so the meeting up session was good. I'm looking forward to our next meet-up when we'll break fast together. Can't wait!!

I'm so pale.

Working life.

2008-08-30T04:46:00.000+08:00

The glare from the computer screen is the only light that's helping me see the letters on the keyboard. So don't mind me if you see lots of spelling mistakes. Of course, being me, I'll probably edit the entry if there are any mistakes. That's because grammatical, vocabulary, spelling mistakes are one of my pet peeves. I can't stand it when English are not written correctly. I'm not saying that my English is perfect, but those obvious errors make me cringe. Anyway, I'm not here to talk about English. I'm here to rant.

Currently, I'm utterly dissatisfied with my life. If I were to take the short quiz on How Happy Are You?, like the one Oprah took with her audience, I'd fail miserably. Work hasn't been really good. And this time, I'm not exactly talking about the patients. Working life is so full of politics. And I've been misunderstood and lectured that I'm actually shocked. Can you imagine, you've always thought of yourself as very helpful. You'd do anything that's being asked of you. The right stuff, anyway. You're the kind that has difficulty saying no when someone's in need of help. But someone comes along and says you're lazing around. It's like a slap in the face! It ruined the rest of my day. And when you found out that people has been talking about you behind your back. I would say it hurts. Now I can understand how some of my colleagues feel.

I think my problem is that I've low self esteem. My confidence level is not very high and it seems to be dropping. So people would say, build up your confidence. Be confident. But how the hell do I do it?

Well, basically, right now, I feel so shitty. Today, for the first time, I broke down because of work. I feel like the world's against me. People hate me. And I'm starting to hate people too. At this point in my life, I feel like such a fake. I'm faking my smile, I'm faking the friendly tone in my voice. It's a good thing I'm wearing a mask. A wall's building up and I don't know if anybody can knock it down.

Miss School.

2008-08-27T13:23:00.000+08:00

I realized that I hardly ever talk about work in my blog. Right? Actually, there are lots to talk about work. Maybe because I feel like my blog is too public. And it has got me into trouble before. Work has lots of issues that, to me, belongs in the confidential category. So maybe that's why I don't talk about work.

But I can talk about the feelings work brings me. Only I won't talk about it now.

What I actually came to say was, that I miss driving school. Haha. But after Shikin leaves that place, I don't think I'll miss it that much. Cuz the ties with that school is not there anymore.

Anyway, nature's calling.

I can now drive legally.

2008-08-22T14:45:00.000+08:00

Listen up everyone! There's a new driver in town! Me! Finally, right? Hahah.

Yesterday, I had my last lesson and my instructor did a final assessment on me. He pretended to be the traffic police. So while I drove, he stayed silent and just mark on his sheet of paper of the mistakes I did. So that was my first impression of what the actual test will be like. Anyway, one of the test is Emergency Brake. It was very, very long time ago since I practiced emergency braking. So when he hit the dashboard hard (that's the signal to do an emergency brake), I jumped with shock and was like "What?!" At first I thought he was swatting a fly. Hahah. But then, the lesson on emergency braking came rushing back to me. Really, I had a flashback. So then I braked hard. Scared me half to death!

Then there was the parallel parking. Dear God! After yesterday, I thought if I failed today's test, it's because of parallel parking.

What else happened yesterday. Hmm. Oh yea. An instructor said I looked beautiful. Oh my God! Haha. Plus I may be making a new friend soon, on the day Shikin asks me out with, hopefully, Edmund!

I couldn't sleep at first that night, but when I did, I dreamt three (3) times that I was taking my TP test. The first dream, I failed the test because I knocked down a pole while parking. I can't remember what happened in the second, but the third dream, I passed my test. After that dream I kind of surfaced a little to the real world and realized I was only dreaming and in my subconscious state I muttered, "It was only a dream... I hate dreams."

So today came. It was nerve wrecking! The waiting of the traffic police who'll be testing us and determining whether our wallets will have an extra card, our driving license, the balloting of our test routes, all that made me have palpitations that got me lightheaded.

I was fortunate enough to get a great warm up instructor. I was lucky enough not to get a test route that we had to do a U-turn at the starting point of the huge 4-lane expressway. And I was blessed enough to get a nice and friendly, not at all mean and scary, traffic police.

Well, maybe I'm the kind of person that excel under pressure. Because during the warm up session and the test itself, I did my parallel parking perfectly fine! I was so relieved once I was out from that parking slot. But then of course, it's not over yet. There's still the roads outside. I did ok, I guess. I thought I did quite a number of mistakes. So when I finally finished with the test, I kinda expected myself to fail. But my tester gave me the result; I passed. I was SO relieved, my heart was SO at rest, I thought it has dropped to my feet and stopped beating. Only I was grinning and my eyes were wide with happiness that I knew I couldn't be dead.

I got so many congratulations, two from my instructors that has my number, Chris and Idris, who called me and made me laugh. Hahaha. Idris called from a private number and pretended to be someone from the Traffic Police Centre, saying that there's a mistake in my license or whatever. Haha. AS IF!

Anyway, anyway. Today was also the day I said goodbye to the driving school. I'm actually going to miss going there, having all the male instructors around me. Lucky Shikin! Girl, I'm waiting for our date with Edmund!

When I got home, my dad was already bugging me to go for a test drive in his car. Almost reluctantly, I went. Tested. Tried parking without poles or cars. Needed several tries. After that I drove to fetch my mom home. Reached our multi-storeyed carpark. And almost died. Of frustration. Now I had to park in between two cars. WHAT?! But the worse thing was one parent telling me to do this and another telling me to do that. They were so contradicting that I could have crashed one side of the car. I almost cried in frustration! Good thing my dad's car is auto, or I would need crutches for my leg that has to control the clutch, too. Grr. But finally, I got the car into the slot.

While driving, I realized there are quite a number of motorists that aren't that courteous as taught when they were in driving school. I saw a huge lorry carrying cement changed lanes without signaling. Good thing he wasn't moving into MY lane or I would have blurted out an expletive.

I'm a new driver. So I have to put this bright orange P plates that indicates to other drivers that I'm a newbie at driving, freshly graduated. But I find that's not enough. Maybe I should get like a message blinker thing installed to the back of my car. So I can give messages to other drivers on the road. Like, "I'M NEW. I MAY DRIVE SLOW... DON'T HONK AT ME!". Or "I'M CHANGING TO THE RIGHT LANE. GIVE WAY... PLEASE!". Then if they give way or if I did something wrong, "THANK YOU..XOXO!" and "I'M SO SORRY!". Or if I see a nice car behind me, "WOOT! YOU THERE! GREAT CAR!" Hahaha.

NB Manual cars are just horrible. I'd like to hear some good things about manual cars, cuz I can't think of one. Auto cars are so much easier. You don't have to worry about violently vibrating engine, stalled engine, noisy engine, clutching and shifting of gears, or sliding on slopes.

10 Things to Do Before I Turn 25.

2008-08-19T00:28:00.000+08:00

I know I had a Bucket List done before. Well, scratch that. I made that when I knew I had a friend to do those things with me. But now that he's attached and unavailable, not much use is there? At least THIS list has more of an independent factor in them. Because most of them I can do by myself.

Anyway, why such a long time? 5 years? That's because I have to think of time constraints, money problems, and family.

1. Travel to a foreign country by myself.

2. Learn to cook five(5) impressive three-course meal.
And maybe have family and friends over for a dinner party.

3. Spend all of a month salary in one day after passing the S$10, 000 mark.
Which is not easy, considering the fact that I've to deduct sums from my salary for other things, like food, transport, another separate savings account which I can't touch till I'm old or when I've a family, my parents, phone bills, etc.

4. Learn horse-riding.

5. Stay in England for at least 2 weeks and try to get as much out of it as I can.
For whatever reasons. Vacation, work, volunteering program, etc. I really want to visit this country.

6. Go to a concert.
And hopefully meet someone famous.

7. Wade along the seaside and watch a sunset.
No matter if I'm doing it alone or with someone else.

8. Improve my sign-language skills by attending classes held by SADEAF.

9. Go to a play/musical alone and dine unaccompanied in a nice restaurant.

10. Make friends with someone born and bred in another country, and keep in touch.
Hmm.. I think I've done this one.

B***H.

2008-08-18T23:38:00.000+08:00

I can't stand people who boasts about the kinds of expensive brands they want for bags, watches, whatever shit. Such a bimbo. Ugh. Sure, even I get glittered-eye over Burberry or Prada. But I don't act so rich and actually get one. The part about buying all this when you're not even well off is just so stupid to me.

Like a product of these well known brands can reach to about a thousand dollars? Is it made of gold? So what? It just disgust me that you get blinded by all this. Just be someone of a higher standard with a much higher salary then you, and I'll take all of this back. But you're no where near to being one of these people. Ugh.

I hope you buy all the branded stuff you drool over and become broke. Show off.

Went for a driving lesson today. My instructor was Chris. The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "You have GOT to be kidding me."

Forever 21.

2008-08-17T17:26:00.000+08:00

Yay. New layout. The original layout had a different image. This one:

It's alright I guess. Classy. But there's something about having a huge photo of a girl I don't know splat-ted on my blog. So I went all over deviantart.com to find another image that I'd like. And that site is huge. Full of photos and images. Suddenly, I remembered seeing nice photos in this website that I went to shop online. So.. tadaa! It's from Forever 21's website.

This is the original image that I chose. I editted it with Photoshop. Ok, so this image also has a girl I don't know, but it's so much better. It shows the outfit, the book, the landscape, and her face is almost covered with her hat and hair.

Yup. I much prefer this image.

And Forever 21's website is really nice. I've ordered a top, a belt, a tote bag, bangles and a beret. Not bad. Not bad at all.

On to another topic.

I watched the Table Tennis Women's Team Finals today. It was Singapore VS China. China won, which lands Singapore a Silver Medal. Our first medal in the Olympic games. Ever. History in the making, no? No, it's already made. Haha.

After some vague thoughts of wondering whether I'm patriotic or not, I finally sat and really think through and ask myself once and for all if I'm a patriot. If I were to put it in a percentage kind of scale, maybe 70 to 80 percent.

There are some moments where I long to migrate and work in another country so bad, I'd get really sullen. Where I thought that the other country has more nicer things to do and see and be. Where I could have much more adventure and be in awe almost everyday.

But there are also those moments when I'd get goosebumbs and my heart filled with so much pride about Singapore. Especially when National Day comes around and I'd watch the celebration on TV. The show of the F16's Aerobatics, the huge Singapore flag being flown, the marching on the field. It's amazing. It was only 4 years ago, after I've graduated from Secondary School, that I started to get goosebumbs and prideful moments whenever I hear the Singapore Pledge, the National Anthem or the songs they used to make every year for National Day. Hmm.. I'm suddenly having a rush of love?, pride?, patriotism?, that I'm gonna put up photos of the National Day Parade 2008 (NDP 08).

This is a birds' eye view of the parade. Those formation you see are human made, made up of performers and of course, these uniformed men below!

The police!

The navy!

The army!

This is where the Singapore flag is flown in.

And my favourite part of the parade of all time, the Black Knights, Singapore's elite F16s, putting on an amazing show of aerobatics!!

There's a video of this online. Easy to find, if you want to look for it. I'm so going to try to get tickets for the next NDP. Those who've been to NDP many, many times, like maybe 3 times in a row, kindly sell the tickets to me, please. I've only been to an NDP once. And that wasn't even the real event. Remember the Primary 5 National Education? Yea. That was the only time.

Anyway, back to the things that make me have patriotic goosebumbs. There's the international events like the Tiger Cup Football match thing, SEA Games, or currently, the Olympic Games. Or even, a singing competition like the Asian Idol, where Singapore won. Although all matches are very captivating, there's no question that I'd rather see a match where my country is taking part in. I'd always be on the edge of the seat, silently, behind my TV screen, cheering for Singapore. If they scored a goal, or a point, or a race, or a game, or a singing competition, or a medal, I'd jump of the seat and do a one man wave. If they lost, well, there's no guarantee that you won't be hit by a cushion or hear an expletive if you're there with me. Not to worry though. The feeling I get when Singapore lost lasts only a few hours. The feeling of pride when we win, however, takes a little longer to subside.

The Olympic Games 2012 will be held in London. That's in 4 years. What will I be doing in 4 years' time? I'd have finished my bond in KKH by then. Oh my God! Maybe I'll be in England studying or working! Or vacationing! Maybe I'd get a ticket to the games and I'll be able to cheer to my heart's content during a match where Singapore's in. I'd definitely want to sit in on a table tennis match, so I can cheer my favourite athlete, Li Jia Wei.

I'm getting all excited!

Moment of Truth.

2008-08-13T21:13:00.000+08:00

The past 3 days have been quite awesome. On Monday, I met up with my Ward 43 PRCP friends, Amala, Shubin and Liu Jing. After eating, we shopped at Bugis Village. I bought a couple of things. Suddenly I feel like wearing ruffles and baggy tops with a nice belt over it. I think the ruffles was due to watching Witch Yoo Hee.

Han Ga In is gorgeous.

After that, I had to leave for my Night shift at work. It was quite a good night.

Anyway, anyway. Work ended at 0730hrs. And something good happened while I was in the train on the way home. A Caucasean guy showed interest in me!! Oh my God. At first he was just taking secret peeks. Then at his stop, he actually came to the exit that I was standing at, instead of the other exit which was truly nearer to him. As the doors open, his eyes was actually on me but not on my face. You know, the kind where you're shy and you look at the person's hands or bag or some design on the person's outfit. Yea. When he was about to step out of the train, he finally looked up, caught my eyes and gave a smile!!! Of course, I smiled back. I guess, now he's probably somewhere overseas because he had bags with him and he stopped at Tanah Merah Interchange where there's another train to bring you to the Airport. Haha. Anyway, after that, I couldn't stop smiling.

There was another incident. Early in the morning, I crossed the road to the bus stop. A Caucasean guy was also crossing the same road, only it was in the opposite direction. When I looked up, I caught him giving me a smile.

I never would have thought that a Caucasean guy would have some interest in me. Even though I wish for a Caucasean boyfriend, I've always been intimidated by them.

*Shrugs*

Oh well.

Had another night duty. It was busy but manageable.

All right. I'm gonna stop here. Wanna watch "The Moment of Truth" on StarWorld.

사랑아 내게 오기만 해

2008-08-11T02:00:00.000+08:00

파란하늘이 눈부셔
왠지 가슴이 아파와
나도 모르게 눈가에 이슬 맺히면
상상속에서 나에게
다가올것만 같은 그대를
언제부턴가 기다렸었죠
아직 사랑을 몰라서 그댈 몰라서
언제 사랑이 올까
waiting for U love
그대 조금만 더 가까이
올 순 없나요
내 사랑아 Babe my sweet heart
너무나 많은 사람들
어떻게 사랑하는지
나만 혼자 모르고 살았나봐요
아주 따뜻한 포근한
때로는 달콤한 사랑으로
항상 진하게 내게 있던 그대

아직 사랑을 몰라서 그댈 몰라서
언제 사랑이 올까
waiting for U love
그대 조금만 더 가까이
올 순 없나요
내 사랑아 Babe my sweet heart
생각만 해도 너무나
행복한 너를 볼때면
하루에도 수 천번 사랑한단말
언제 어떻게
사랑이 내게 오려나 기다렸는데
이미 온걸요 그대 알고부터
그대를 위한 자리가
내 가슴속에 있어요
나는 그댈 위해서 태어난 사람
그대 내게로 온다면 함께한 시간
이 순간 부터
꿈처럼 멋진 나의 사랑아
오 나의 사랑아 내게 오기만해

Translation
Love, Come to me.

The blue sky is blinding
My heart hurts for some reason
Dew drops form in eyes without me knowing
In my imagination
It feels like you’re getting closer to me
I’ve been waiting for you, I don’t know since when
I still don’t know love, I don’t know who you are
When will love come to me?
Waiting for U love
Can’t you get a little
Close to me
My love, Babe my sweet heart
All those other people
How can they think of love?
Am I the only one who doesn’t know how?
Very warm and comfortable
And sometimes sweet
With such love you were always with me

I still don’t know love, I don’t know who you are
When will love come to me?
Waiting for U love
Can’t you get a little
Close to me
My love, Babe my sweet heart
Any way that I think about it
When I see you being so happy
And say I love you a thousand times a day
I wondered when and how
Love would come to me
It was already here, Ever since I knew you
There was a place for you
In my heart
I was born to be with you
If you come to me, our time together
From this point on
Will be a dream. My love
Oh, my love, come to me

Meet Up.

2008-08-09T02:24:00.000+08:00

Hello, readers!

I'm happy today. Yesterday morning, I finished a good night duty and went to visit Sahirah at TTSH with Fiza. TTSH looks like a mall-cum-hotel. I wanted to see the A&E but we couldn't go in, so there wasn't much to look at. And they have Starbucks! Today, I longed for some iced mocha but I didn't get it. Anyway, Sahirah's warded in 11A. She's hoping it's a short stay. I know she doesn't read my blog but, get well soon!

Reached home at around 0930hrs. Ate and watched an episode of this Korean drama, Witch Yoo-Hee. I love the show! I do, I do, I do! Just like I love the Korean drama, The Coffee Prince. And then off to bed for some rest before a night out with the old girls.

Old girls meaning my secondary school friends that I've not met in almost 4 years. After taking much effort to dress up really nicely (I dressed like a casual Friday working woman, so that it will look like I came out for an after work gathering), I went to meet Zhongwei, Zhige, Xue Yun, Cindy and Melissa at Raffles Place. If you know me, I'm almost like a tourist in my own country. So when we started our journey to Lau Pa Sat for dinner, I was merely following them while taking in the surroundings as much as I could. I had never gotten out of Raffles Place MRT Station before so, it's pretty new to me. Hmm, maybe I did once but there are so many exits out of Raffles Place, I can't remember which one I had gone before.

Anyway, I was so happy to see them after so, so long. But they've been meeting. So when they saw me, and I saw them, we started to ask what we're doing now and stuff like that. Some things haven't change. Like, for example, Zhong, Xue Yun, Cindy, Zhige and I are still single. I felt so belonged, for the first time! Hahaha. Anyway, dinner at Lau Pa Sat was good! It was my first time eating there, even though the place is pretty famous. Tourist; through and through.

After that, we made our way to Timbre located somewhere along the Singapore River. That place is one of my favourite place in Singapore. I especially love the bridge, the river outside the Fullerton Hotel. And the other noted buildings around there. It's a nice view and surroundings. I love it. Anyway, Timbre's a restaurant, chilling out kind of place where there are drinks (which I don't drink) and a live band. The place looked pretty nice. But when we got there, it was full house. We tried waiting but it was too long.

So we headed to Clarke Quay where all the clubs and pubs and restaurants and chilling out areas are. Walked almost everywhere but every place seemed to be full or reserved. Finally we went into this place called Cuba-something. And we have a seat. Ordered drinks and snacks. Talked until a live band came up to perform. It was pretty nice. Just that the music's a tad too loud. We were shouting across the table to be heard. Anyway, most of the time while the band played, we were observing and talking about the dancers and the people in there.

We left at about midnight so that we could catch a bus/train home, unwilling to pay the outrageously expensive cab fare. But I had a really good time meeting up and catching up with my old classmates.

I'm happy.

Oh yeah.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SINGAPORE!

Miserable.

2008-08-01T00:26:00.000+08:00

I feel very distanced from those friends who have a boyfriend. I don't belong.

That lines would have led to a pathetic, self-demeaning, embarrassing story. And I hate to bare myself that way. So I'm just gonna leave it at that.

God! Am I going to die an old maid?

I miss school to the max. When I think of my life now, working life, life without having at least a month or two straight of holidays, unlike school, I get depressed. 21 days of annual leave is bloody hell not enough.

The pay is pretty horrible, to me. So I'm thinking of going to maybe Saudi Arabia (or something like that) to work. I heard nurses can get so much more out there. But my ultimate wish is to study and work in the UK. But I'm starting to worry that I might not get that chance because I've read in the newspaper that UK is tightening it's law or whatever for foreign workers. I read that companies in the UK can only hire a foreign worker if they can't find a citizen of their own to fill the job space.

Foreign workers hoping to fill skilled vacancies in Britain's labour market will have to meet strict new criteria, the Government announced today.

British-based companies will have to prove they cannot fill skilled posts with a resident worker and must show that the job vacancy has been advertised in the UK, unless the job is on the shortage occupation list. Would-be migrants will need a job offer before they even apply for a visa.

To qualify, skilled foreign nationals will have to earn a certain number of points before being allowed to work in Britain. These points are awarded only if a person can prove they will be doing skilled work, speak a good standard of English, and are earning more than £24,000, or have a decent qualification. Employers will need a licence from the UK Border Agency to offer jobs to skilled workers.

Border and Immigration Minister Liam Byrne said:

"Our new points system means that British jobseekers get the first crack of the whip and that only the skilled migrants we actually need will be able to come.

And I'm pretty sure they can get nurses in their own country. So how does that enable me to work over there if the hospitals don't want, or can't, hire me?

This is such a nightmare.

Act on impulse.

2008-07-28T17:30:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wish I can act on my impulses and those irresistible urges and desires that come over me at unexpected times, without thinking of the consequences, without having anything at all to prevent me from doing it.

One of these days, I might want to go for a vacation overseas alone. By myself. Just me, one luggage (or two), one flight ticket, a single bed in the B&B, table for one. Just me and the whole city/country to discover by myself.

I can just imagine myself in dark skinny jeans tucked into black heeled boots, a black and white plaid wool long sleeve under a white pea coat. A pretty vibrant red wool scarf wrapped around my neck brightens the whole outfit. I'm standing at the pavement beside the newsstand, carefully perusing a map of the city/country in my white gloved hands. A book filled with coloured pictures of things to do, places to visit and food to eat is tucked under my left arm.

I swing my gold coloured sling bag that carries my passport, my wallet, a bottle of mineral water, my cellphone, a packet of Werther's Original, a paperback novel and a mini multi-language dictionary, to the back, out of my legs' way as I start to cross the road as the green man lights up, eyes wide taking in the buildings around me, looking for someplace that would give me a clue to where I am on the map. I hold my white beret down on my head as an unexpected cold gush of wind blows my hair back.

While strolling down the street, window-shopping along the way, I come upon a quaint Italian cafe. The row of pretty and brightly coloured flowers that lines the bottom panel of the window and the warm orange lighting in the cafe just lures me to it. A whiff of fresh bread, pasta, a hint of pepper and freshly brewed coffee as the door slowly closes behind the previous customer, further pulls me in. A little bell gave a tinkle as I push the door open. As I step in, across the floor, behind the counter, a handsome waiter looks up from the cash register after handing another customer his change, and smiles, welcoming me in. I vaguely take in the other busy waiters and waitresses that bustles about taking new orders and deftly balancing trays of food and drinks to the occupied tables.

I settle myself in a plush burgundy high-backed cushioned seat by the cafe window as the said dashing waiter, who looks about my age, dressed in a white shirt, black pants and shiny black shoes comes around the counter and approaches me, a menu in his right hand. My heart gives a little flutter as his long legs ate up the short distance between us. His gaze does not waver from me, an easy smile playing on his lips. It feels like a pair of invisible hands has clamped around my face so that I cannot turn my head. His smile widen, almost amused. I blink as he stops at my table and hands me the laminated menu. He pulls out a pad and a pencil from the pocket of his black apron that he wears over his uniform. His name tag is pinned just below the orange stitching of the cafe's name, on his left breast. I look up at him as I gave him my order. From where I am, up close, I can see the genuine smile and the twinkle it brings to his eyes. I can hardly keep a sigh from escaping my lips.

"Will that be all?" He asks with a slight accent that I can't quite place my finger on. With a lifting of my lips that I hope is not pathetically dopey, I nod, "Thank you."

With the slightest of bows, he turns and goes about getting my glass of blended ice mocha topped with cream and chocolate sprinkles, my plate of turkey sandwich and a complimentary basket of crispy garlic bread. I cannot help the tiniest moans of pleasure erupting from my throat.

Sigh..

Back to reality, Nad! Get right back to reality.

Or maybe I'll just go somewhere overseas alone but meet British James there. We'll meet somewhere between his country and mine and have a vacation. Haha. I need a huge scissors to cut this rope of reality tied around my waist. It's tugging at me.

Thus, back to my first point. I want to do things without anything to stop me. Money, time, work, knowledge. It's all a factor in this.

Argh!