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sottovoce

I love flowers.
I love spontaneity, and pleasant surprises.
I'm dainty and ambitious; really.
I nurse others.
There's more than meets the eye when it comes to me.


only me



N A D I A H
200788
ngee ann poly
school of health sciences
Children's Emergency, KKWCH

[ e-mail ]

[ facebook ]

reminders

- Dine at Tiffany Cafe & Restaurant at Furama
- Tree Top Walk at MacRitchie

my past

March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 December 2010

credits

Blogskin done by 16thday with image from Taringa .




Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Just So You Know.

Dear Diary,

Something bad happened between him and me. No, we didn't fight. There were no heated arguments, no raised voices. But.. it has finally dawned on me that it's really over. Like, nothing could ever happen. Ever. He's confused, and he's confusing me.

He only sees me as a friend and only wants to be a friend to me, but when asked if he treats me like he treats his friends, the answer was no. What am I then?

Oh my God.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. If this kind of situation (my love problem) was a scenario in a "How are you when it comes to relationship?" quiz, and if the options were,

A: Call and text him everyday and beg him till he realizes that you're the one for him.
B: Be patient, follow his time, go with the flow, and wait for him till he realizes you're the one.
C: Get over him and find someone else who'd love for you to be around and treats you well.
D: Kill yourself,

and if it was in the year 2004, when I was 16 years old, when I was emotionally-innocent, never had a boyfriend, when I haven't met him, my answer would have been 'C'. To hell with a guy who doesn't treat me right. I deserve better.

But, November 2008 came, and I met him, feelings and emotional roller-coaster ever since. Until last Sunday, my answer changed to 'B'. I was sure I could wait and just be content with being with him, no need to meet his friends or family if he doesn't want me to, let him hold the string tied to my heart that I'm wearing on my sleeve. Sometimes, he'd let go, but I always had that tiny spark of hope that he'd reach for me when I'm going just out of reach.

Last Sunday came and went and I realized how contradicting he was. When he asked if I think he was using me, I was surprised that I couldn't look him in the eye and answer straight away. I wanted to yell at him, tell him how ridiculous his words were. But I know after the first word that comes out of my mouth, I'd break down and cry. And I HATE to talk and cry at the same time, making the words sound round, and you just look so ugly with the corners of your lips turned down. So I just kept quiet. In bed, it dawned on me that it really is over. I realized that even if he was for me, I wasn't for him, that he makes me very happy but I can't make him happy enough.

For a moment, I blamed his ex-girlfriend for ruining him for me. For making him so afraid of commitment, so afraid to open up. But then I thought of the first time we met. He liked me enough to actually consider having me around in the future. And then he went missing. And I shifted the blame to myself, thinking if I did something else, if I hadn't done this or that, we'd be having a 2nd anniversary or something. But then I thought, what I did that I thought made him run wasn't life-threatening, it wasn't hurtful, wasn't intentional. Sigh... I don't know what to think or who to blame anymore. I still wished he had never met his ex though.

Whatever. The main point is, it's over. And the thing that kinds of brings relief to me despite knowing that I can't have him, is that my hope is flickering. Unlike last time, when I think of how one day he'll contact me back and wants to see me again, the thought quickly disappears, brushing it away from my mind, my hope for him is finally fading to complete blackness, the days of me pining for him is ending.

Am I finally healing?

In my own world,
8:37 PM