Blogskin done by 16thday with image from Taringa .

As it is the first day of the Chinese New Year, I wore the chinese traditional costume to work today, what most of us call, a cheongsam. I'm not a chinese but I love dressing up. And I've always wanted to wear a cheongsam. It's a pretty outfit. I just don't know why not a lot of people wear them nowadays. Plus this year I feel so "on". Hari Raya, I'm going to wear the malay traditional clothes. Not that I don't, I always do. What I meant to say was I'm going to wear it to work. And then on Deepavali, I'm thinking of wearing the sari or punjaabi suit. Fun! It gives me the thrill because no one dresses up for work unless they're going out after work. So it's like I'm the odd one out. Sounds uncomfortable but, really, it's not so bad.

So, I wore the cheongsam today. And it being the first time that I'm wearing one and being in a place where not a lot of people wear the cheongsam, I was quite nervous. I know I look really calm and collected all the way to work, but in my head I was practically chastising myself. I was like "Nad, what the hell were you thinking?!". I was quite self-conscious but I kept myself composed. I guess this kinda boost my self-confidence, you know, be brave, show that I don't care what people think.

Then I arrived at work. Predictably, there were comments. But I would say all of them were positive comments. Besides, at the back of my mind, I kinda knew I didn't look all that bad. My favourite comment today was by Dr. J Yeo. He only said one word, "Wow.". Hahaha.






I look super skinny in the 3rd photo. So ugly. Hahah.

Happy Chinese New Year to all!
In my own world,
8:24 PM

If ever I'm rich enough to get an original branded bag, I'm going straight to a Burberry store to get one. From clutches to totes to luggages, imma get it from Burberry.

I love Burberry. I love the colours, the designs, the shapes of the bags. It's drool-worthy.

Go see: http://www.burberry.com/HomeWorld.aspx
In my own world,
10:25 PM

A day out with friends is REALLY good for the health. I had a day out with Jaime and her friend for roller blading at Pasir Ris Beach/Park just now. Ok not a 'day' more like '2 hours'.

I just finished my round of night duty and collapsed on the bed the minute I got home. I was dreaming, a weird dream I should say. It started with meeting a new guy and somehow it became a resus scene. A super weird resus it was too. I couldn't remember what case it was but it was a standby case and I made the F-72-Simp call, something something ETA 20 minutes. Weird right, ETA so long. Then I remembered SL Chong was there and she was preparing a, get this, some kind of sauce to marinate chickens! It was only when I woke up and was taking a shower when it hit me and I went "Wha-a-a-t?!". Hahah. We were all prepared and me holding the bowl of marinating chickens. Veron was there also and she said something like "From now on when there's a resus, you must try to get hands-on." And she was starting to teach me and Sue Zhen something when I heard the ambulance arriving. Only it wasn't the normal SCDF ambulance. I think the ambulance that came had green stripes. Or blue. And it's from Thailand. So weird! Anyway, the ambulance hadn't even stopped yet when I was woken up by a call from Jaime. Hahah.

Checked the clock to be 3.10pm. Not that I was late or anything but she told me to wake up and get ready, they're coming to pick me up. So, moaning and groaning, I got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed, grabbed a quick bite and went down to meet them. And off we went to a round of blading. I had on most of the protection required for roller blading. At least, the protection that I needed, which was the hand, elbow and knee guard.

I've never bladed before nor was her friend that practiced in blading. So both of us were the unstable ones, while Jaime gave some tips on how to blade. I fell twice and both were at the humps. Hahaha. And both were on my butt. The second fall was worse and way funnier and should have called for a video or at least a still shot of us. Us, meaning Jaime and I. Hahahah. I was the one who was collapsing while going over a hump but Jaime was in front of me and I felt my blade hit something and both of us went to meet the ground. I think I hit her blades. I fell hard on my butt and Jaime fell somehow, in the midst of it hitting her kidney with her blades and fell laid down on the grass. Hahahah. There was like a 5 to 10 seconds of laughing/moaning silence while we tried to get even with our pain. Hahaha. Memorable moment. Needless to say, there should be a butt guard for me too.

So we bladed till the end and stopped for some cam-whoring, the photos of which I shall upload once I get ALL of them. Half of them are with me but the rest are with Jaime's friend.

Fun 2 hours!! Haha.

Anyway, I've been fine since that day that I broke down. Thanks to Ryan and Serene. And now also to Jaime. Serene made me realize that what I went through is really not all that bad. That there are others who suffered much worse and that I should be thankful and not get all sorry for myself. Yup. One thing I like about life is the people it throws into my path.

It's been a good three days.

=)





















In my own world,
5:58 PM

So I finally cracked under the pressure of trying to avoid things and scents and feel of him. I don't know what I was thinking about while on my way to work in the train and the bus this morning, but I got to work teary eyed. I smiled a good morning to Ryan, Sheryn and Bing Ling, and shifted my eyes to the floor. The dam burst open when I reached the changing room. While counting my Controlled Drugs and my other items, Sheryn came in and realized something was amiss about me, I guess. She asked why and I told her I miss him.

I know I've been going on and on about him in this lovely blog of mine, and I've seem to act strong and have accepted that it's not working out but I'm tired. I am tired of putting up a tough act. I am tired of forcing myself to think that he's not good for me and there's a better one out there but if I were to be really honest, he's the best. If you knew him, you would think his personal traits are commendable. He's been brought up in a good family with strong ties. His financial account is healthy (as in, he knows how to save). He loves children and he respects his parents. It may sound little but there's a lot to describe in the 'personal traits' area.

I guess what happened in the end is the reason why I'm finding it difficult to put my shift into gear and move on, which is, I don't know what happened that led to.. whatever it is that's happening now. I don't know what happened.

Anyway, will be meeting Jaime later in the evening. Admittedly, I would much prefer to stay home and hide under my comforter, sleep off the sleepless night that I had just last night. But no. I think going out will do me a whole lot of good.
In my own world,
4:45 PM

I have to admit that I miss him terribly. I was reading a novel when I found myself constantly linking the story to my own life. The feelings described in the book matches mine at times. Predictably, the ending in the novel was a happy ending, with the man doing a grand gesture just to get the woman, whom he finally realized he loved, back. How I wish I had a man I love fight for me, capture my heart, make me smile gaily every single day.

Oh well.

Work has been tolerable. I don't quite drag myself to work as much as I used to because there are so much to look forward to when I'm surrounded with my colleagues. It's just the journey to and fro that's a tad difficult. Thank goodness for engaging books or I would have gone mad from seeing sports bike or couples or smelling scents that would remind me of him. It's a horrible feeling. I haven't cried since I said goodbye and I would hate to finally break down one of these days. I should prepare myself as the period before my menstruation is coming soon. And you know what PMS can do to a girl.

However, I am beginning to accept the fact that maybe this is not my time. Maybe I'm not meant to be in love with anyone. At least not yet anyway. I suppose that is alright with me. I've many more years to come and many more places to explore around the world. Many more people that I would meet.

Anyway, here are some photos that I just felt like putting up. It's going into my archive so one day I'm going to read back and relive it, and claim how interesting my life is. Haha.










In my own world,
8:07 PM

I love my colleagues! They've been so supportive. I'm really touched and will take their heed. They've been comforting me that I will get a good guy, better than this recent one. They've given advices on how I can get over him. Mainly I'm talking about Serene, Gina, Arockia, Roselie, Sheryn, Lailee. Jaime has asked me along to go rollerblading with a friend of hers. And Regina has cheered me up making me so excited and looking forward to next year! I so need to save up.

Then there's my cousin, Liyana, for her listening ears and reading eyes. Hahah.

Anyway, I did went to buy myself a Jigsaw Puzzle. I shall take a picture of it once I'm finished putting it all together. I'm thinking of getting another one once this one is done. I kinda like doing Jigsaw puzzles, I realized. Especially when the image is really beautiful.

God I'm so bored right now. I don't really have anything to talk about these days. Nothing interesting is happening anymore. Ugh!
In my own world,
10:00 PM

Pain comes in all forms. The small twinge, a bit of soreness, the random pain. The normal pains we live with every day. Then there's the kind of pain we can't ignore. A level of pain so great it blocks out everything else. Makes the rest of the world fade away. Until all we can think about is how much we hurt. How we manage our pain is up to us.

Pain. We anesthetize... ride it out, embrace it, ignore it... And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

Pain. You just have to ride it out. Hope it goes away on its own. Hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions. No easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

Most of the time, pain can be managed. But sometimes, the pain gets you when you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up.

Pain. You just have to fight through. Because the truth is, you can't outrun it. And life always makes more.
In my own world,
11:46 AM

I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand it anymore. I've had enough of him treading all over me, repeatedly over my heart, with his soccer shoes. I really hated the hanging around not knowing what's going on, what's going to happen, why is it happening.. so I'm out.

I'm now officially single and back in the markets, not that I was ever officially not officially single before, get what I mean? I guess I was still single but just not totally available.

I'm really disappointed but I have to keep in mind that I'm really not alone. I know God has assigned someone to be mine. I just don't know where. Maybe he's already died and gone to heaven. If that's the case.. wow, if that's the case, I'll forever won't have anyone beside me until I die myself.

I will get over the most wonderful guy I've ever met. In the meantime, don't hesitate to set me up on a date with available friends of yours. Hahah. Make it natural, like accidentally on purpose see my friendster in front of your male friends. Or ask me out and just so happen he's there too. Hahah. The key word is 'natural'. Am i desperate or what? Hahah no I'm not, because even without setting me up I can still survive.

Right now I'm going to remove anything solid that links him to me. I've already cleared out my phone. His pictures, messages, handphone numbers are gone. I'm now clearing out friendster, deleting his profile and messages from mine. I'm going to throw out the stray ticket stubs including the Singapore Flyer tickets and the origami-ed heart he gave me. Oh yes, then there's the book he bought for me. You think I can donate it to the library? Hmm.... Oh and do you think my sister will notice if I threw her Adidas Body Spray into the bin? He uses the same exact body spray and I had a whiff this morning while my sister prepared to go to school. I thought someone slapped me.

I'm so pissed off with friendster. It's filled with virus. And it lags like we've got all the time in the world. It keeps refusing to delete his profile from mine. It's so screwed up. I'll try again at work.
In my own world,
9:55 AM

Hey you two! I don't mind the long comments. I rather like it actually. Anyway, thanks for the words of comfort. I'm definitely not hanging on to him if he does nothing but give me heartaches. I mean it's really not worth it to hang on to something that keeps hurting me right? That's just plain stupid, right?

Anyway, I'm cutting the waiting time short. I'm giving him till the end of next week. So, look forward to the end of the story on the night of the 18th of January. My intuition tells me it's the end. I foresee that he will have no part in my life starting 19th of Jan. But you do know that in the deepest of my deepest heart I don't wish that to happen, don't you? I'm a human and I can't help but light the tiniest candle of hope.

But when the fire does diminish, I really hope I won't cry about it. I hope I'm strong enough to let it fly right past my head.

I just can't believe that he'd do this. I actually thought he was sincere and truthful. Heh. Sincere and truly out to hurt me was what he was.

Anyway, thanks you two! At least I know I'm not the only one who's ever gone through such a shitty situation. Anyway, I've been hurt and cried over love lost before but I did get over them in the end. This is way worse but I definitely can get over it.
In my own world,
11:54 PM

So. The problem is this guy I'm currently seeing. I wouldn't want to call him my boyfriend. Besides, he didn't ask me to be his girlfriend. What he actually said was something like "Why can't it be we naturally become a couple? Why do I have to ask?". And when would our anniversary be, pray tell?

So, nope, he's not a boyfriend.

Well, where do I start? The beginning was really good. I enjoyed my time with him. He was really the kind of someone I would like. And he was evidently also interested in me. He says words like "I miss you" and other stuff that really made my heart soar like it had never soared before. You would wonder, how could I be taken in when I've only known him for less than 2 months? Well, I was. Call me superstitious or dopey or whatever but I thought there were signs that we were actually meant for each other; the similarities, the dreams, the coincidences, fate. You see, more often than not, when I am interested in a guy and one fine day the guy shows that he's also interested, I will lose interest in him. I thought I had some kind of sickness that needed therapy. But, thankfully (I WAS thankful, not sure about now), that losing interest thing didn't happen with him. My feelings actually grew. And I thought his was too. He was the first one saying he likes me, wants to meet my parents and wants me to be his. And being me, who never had much of a relationship with anyone, who yearns to be romantically loved, I felt such a tremendous joy. I had never been happier in my life. And people actually noticed that.

Until that one fateful date after my night shift, the morning of the 27th of December. It started quite well actually, we held hands, he held me, we talked and we laughed. And then suddenly, while looking for lunch, he became quiet and stuff like that. So I asked him "Why are you so bored? Why do you look so bored?" and he lashed out "I'm tired. Can you understand or not?". Since then my mood turned sour, and so did his. So we decided to go home. We were silent. Usually he would send me home after whatever date we were on. But I told him I wanted to take a cab and asked him how was he going to go home. At first he said "I'll send you... or you want to go home by yourself?" I said "Anything." when actually I wanted him to be with me. In the end I took the cab alone and he went to take the train. I almost wanted to stop the cab, but I didn't want to make a scene.

Ok, let's take a look at what happened the day before that made him say he was tired. On the 26th, he had to work from about 6 AM to 10.30 PM. He went home and then went out again to ride to JB with his bike friends (a Friday night non-compulsory routine) only to come back home at 4 AM. While I was on night shift, only having an hour break where I could hardly sleep. So, tell me. Is it wrong for him to say that he was tired? When he lashed at me that he was tired, whether I can understand or not, the bolder me would have told him that I worked the whole night and that he could have just not gone to JB for a laze and instead could have rested at home, to come meet me at 7.30 AM after my night shift. But that didn't happen. It never did. I never told him.

So since that screwed up event, things have gone downhill. I spent my leave up till New Year's Day without meeting him, and the messages we sent could be counted on one hand. One of the days he actually went on a road trip to some beach resort in Malaysia with one of his friends. All the while not saying that he missed me or wished I was there with him (usually he would). And on that day I made a card for him, with so much effort and feelings and heart and soul. I thought I would give him on New Year's Eve where I thought I'd be spending it with him, be with him at the stroke of midnight. But at the last minute, he said he couldn't because he had never missed spending NYE with his family. Instead he just came to my place and we sat and talked at the void deck. I went home about half an hour before midnight. He didn't even hug me (usually he would). The card that held so much was given to him, which he only read when he got home, several minutes after midnight. In that card, I reciprocated his feelings. But things got even worse.

It wasn't on that actual day itself but it was during that black period where he told me he wanted to take things slow. He's being careful because he doesn't want to get hurt. The worst thing was that remember when I left in a cab alone, he said it reminded him of the past with his ex of 7 years. He was afraid of the 'what-ifs'. So now he's been cold and distant and pulled back when I told him I like him back. He hasn't been messaging or calling or meeting. No attention to the girl that he supposedly loved and want to be with for the rest of his life.

Now I'm going to tell you a little history of his relationship with his ex. Out of 7 years, they broke up twice. The 2nd one was when he bought an engagement ring for her. I don't know which was when but the reasons she dumped him that came up was that he didn't give her enough attention and that he couldn't make her happy. To think that he's comparing me to her, the nerve! The bolder me would tell him that maybe it's not us girls' fault that things suck. Maybe the problem is him. He should learn from his mistakes. I mean seriously, it's common courtesy to call up the so-called girlfriend and ask her how things are.

But no. I'm being neglected and I don't know what disastrous mistake it was that I've done to cause this wreck. Now I'm the one doing the chasing. I will if I could, message and call him first. And that's what I did but he doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I'm making an effort. And yesterday, we were supposed to meet up since New Year's Eve but he cancelled because he was tired.

I don't know what to do here people! Maybe I should give it to him this time. He's been working and he must be tired. Fine. He told me he'll be on leave the whole of next week. So I'm going to wait until then. Maybe even until the end of January because he also has 4 off days straight some time near the end of Jan. And if we still don't meet and nothing has improved till then, then I'm REALLY out. I'm done with him. Right now, I'm already on the brink of giving up. I'm not going to message or call him or make any arrangements to meet. So if by the end of January, nothing has changed, you'll know I'll be truthfully single and available.

Meanwhile, I have my books, my music, my work, my friends, my sleep, and my Jigsaw to keep me company.

Anyway, advices and suggestions by you are gladly welcome.
In my own world,
10:02 AM

Phew! New blog with all the old posts intact.

I've moved because, well, you all know I'm going through a rough patch in my life right now. And the cause of my going crazy knows about my old blog, and I don't want him to read about it. So what's the use of a blog if I can't say and write what's on my mind, right? And I need to let go. I need to write. It's helps me and is good for me. Thus, the new address. Welcome.

So those of you who knows about this blog are people that I've informed of the changes. Because, I don't know, I trust you and in my mind, I think you care. If I didn't tell you about this blog and you're here reading, then it's either I don't know you or there's a snitch among us.

The gory, pathetic details will be aired soon. Right now I'm tired. My eyes are tired because I just teared not too long ago.
In my own world,
11:22 PM

I really need a 1000 piece Jigsaw puzzle.
In my own world,
10:10 PM

I wasn't myself starting last Saturday. I came to work and told Fiza to make plans with the rest for a crazy night. I needed to dance my troubles and stress away.

On Sunday, I went out with one of my closest cousins, Liyana. We went to Marina Square, a place that holds dear to my heart, to catch the movie, The Duchess. It's a good movie. We talked and talked about stuff. Surprisingly, our troubles were of the similar nature. Had a good time with her.

Yesterday was actually supposed to be a day out with Jaime. But she didn't feel like going out at the last minute so instead she invited me over to her place. So yup, I spent the whole day at her place. We talked about the things that make us think too much, that drove us nuts and brought tears to the eyes. I saw her shoe collection, her wardrobe, her bags and ended up bringing home two pairs of footwear, two kinds of bags and quite a number of tops and a dress. Hahah. Ate dinner and sat at this 'park' near her house and talked some more. Went back up to her house and finished up a 200-piece Jigsaw puzzle. Which gave me another idea of another distraction!

I'm going to go buy a 500-1000 piece Jigsaw puzzle!
In my own world,
1:03 PM

Distractions, I welcome you with open arms.

That includes asking people out and people asking me out. I've asked people out and people have asked me out too. Good work! Continue doing that, please. I don't want to think.

I've borrowed a book from the library so reading in the public transport is great distraction from thinking.

When my eyes are tired from reading, my MP3 is forever with me so I can distract myself with the great songs so that I have difficulty thinking.

I've signed up for sign language classes so there'll be classes and practicing and studying for tests to do. Good way to distract myself from thinking.

And of course, there's work. Running here and there with loads of things to do cramped in my head. Plus money coming into my bank account which allows me to shop. Perfect distraction to avoid thinking.

I need more distractions. Think people, think of ways that I can do so that I will not think! I will be utterly grateful.
In my own world,
11:11 PM

Remember I made a list of 10 things I want to do before I turn 25? I am definitely working on it. Let me refresh you on what is on my list.

1. Travel to a foreign country by myself.

2. Learn to cook five(5) impressive three-course meal.

3. Spend all of a month salary in one day after passing the S$10, 000 mark.

4. Learn horse-riding.

5. Stay in England for at least 2 weeks and try to get as much out of it as I can.

6. Go to a concert.

7. Wade along the seaside and watch a sunset.

8. Improve my sign-language skills by attending classes held by SADEAF.

9. Go to a play/musical alone and dine unaccompanied in a nice restaurant.

10. Make friends with someone born and bred in another country, and keep in touch.

I've touched a little bit on point number 2. I've prepared a 4-course meal. The appetizer was Garlic Bread, the main course was Chicken with Lime Butter, the salad course was Creamy Lime Potato Salad, and the dessert was Strawberry & Banana Smoothie. And I did it all by MYSELF! I remembered how flustered I was while cooking and preparing the meal but I was damned determined. When my family tasted it, well, let's just say they didn't die of poisoning but they didn't tell me to open a restaurant either. The garlic bread was good, the chicken also good but the sauce needed improvement, the potato salad was probably the best dish and the smoothie, I forgot to put in the honey so it tasted a little bit not sweet. But hey, it's healthy! Hahaha. I shall prepare another 'insert-number-here'-course meal sometime this year, probably during one of my long annual leave days.

About point number 3, I changed the mark to S$15, 000 but I think I still won't spend all of a month's salary even after reaching that mark. I'll wait until I'm just reaching 25 years old. Hmm.. does that mean I'll only be going overseas when I'm only just reaching 25? The horror! That won't do. I'll think of something.

Point number 7. That's a dilemma. I saw the sunset. Twice. Like really, actually went somewhere just to see the sunset. Maybe once was accidental but the other one was on purpose. So.. I did see the sunset. But I put sunset and seaside in the same sentence. Again, I did see the sunset, only it wasn't at the beach. So if you look again at point number 7, does it look like two points, i.e. seaside AND sunset or does it look like it's together, i.e. sunset AT the seaside? See my dilemma? But hey, I've still got a few years left, I'm sure I can catch a sunset at the seaside before I reach 25.

And finally, point number 8. I have just filled up a form and wrote in a cheque to sign up for sign language lessons! I'm going to mail it tomorrow. I'm pleased that my mother approve of this. =)

Oh yes. Point number 10. I do have a friend of 4 years plus who's born and bred in England. I would say that I do keep in touch with him because should I ever.. no, WHEN I visit England, I'm going to call him up.

Ok. On to another topic. Check out createtalents.com. Representatives of that company actually approached me while I was on my way to work. Twice within two months I think! What a boost of confidence that was. Hahaha. But, like, seriously? I don't have the boobs for it.

Alright. Enough updates for now. I need to shit!

Before that, I just want to let everyone know, I'm making an effort on almost every aspect of my life. Hopefully, I'll be rewarded.
In my own world,
10:09 PM

I want to be happy.
In my own world,
10:15 AM