Blogskin done by 16thday with image from Taringa .

I almost cried at work today. Actually I did cry, only I maintained the tears in my eyes and chanted to myself to not cry anymore lest it rolls down my cheeks and makes it so darn obvious I was crying.

The reason I teared was because a very young boy, about 6 or 7 years old, passed away in the Children's Emergency Resuscitation room today. Fiza and I got the chance to observe when there was a resus case going on. Just so happens, this case was a Trauma Code. Like Code Blue, we also have a Trauma Code, which means there's an emergency situation whereby life-threatening injuries are sustained in a child. So it was announced throughout the hospital:


Or something like that. While in CE itself, an internal announcement was made: Trauma Code in Resus Room, RTA case, ETA 5 minutes.

So when I got to the Resus room, there were already lots of people preparing the medications and equipments. But more came down. We waited to receive the casualty when the ambulance arrives.

Already the child was unconscious and unresponsive when he came in the Resus Room. We worked on him, CPR was done all the way, for more than half an hour. Oxygen and medications administered, parameters recorded, E-blood ordered, suction applied. All the way for at least 45 minutes. Meanwhile, the mother of the child arrived, her screams of anguish could be heard whenever the slide doors open. She was brought to a room outside of the Resus room for privacy, medical social workers with her giving her all the comfort and reassurance they can give. The father was on the way.

I got stressed up, with so many people around giving orders, Fiza and I helped out with the very minor things. Most of the time we could only stand back unobstructingly and observe. I was wrenching my hands behind my back, my heart raced, I could hardly breathe. When I saw the child's face, eyes slightly open, staring blankly, lifeless, limp, as staff after staff took over the CPR, his mother's cry faintly heard behind the closed doors, tears just sprang into my eyes. All the while I was praying, hoping he'd survive.

Some time during the resuscitation, I caught a glimpse of the father arriving, and shown to the room his wife was in, looking quite anxious but was still calm.

I turned my attention back to the rescuing. His toes and feet were so pale. The monitors not showing any cardiac rhythm. There's no way to shock him. It was almost 45 minutes to an hour since the resuscitation started. Suddenly, I realized how quiet the room was. No more hurried orders, medications had stopped being administered, and except for the staff who was doing CPR and another giving oxygen and suctioning, and two or three others standing by, the rest has moved away, standing back. Now it was Fiza who said "Now I'm going to cry." After the last drop of blood was given, we started cleaning the boy up, making him presentable for his parents' viewing. Hmm. I find that phrase so utterly weird, misused. If I were the parent, he will never be presentable unless he's awake.

The boy was wheeled to the room his parents were in. That was when the father broke down. He hugged the child screaming and crying "My son, my son.". The wife joined in. Hugging the child, calling his name, willing him to wake up that he "can do it.". It was so sad, devastating. I almost wanted to go straight and hide myself in the toilet to get my composure back. But I didn't want to miss things. So.. just had to control myself la.

God. Watching the parents cry over their late son was so heart-breaking. I can't imagine being in their shoes. It's definitely worse than having a break up with a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Now that I've experienced this, I find a break up is nothing to the pain of losing a child. It was really hard witnessing it. I wonder if I'll experience the pain when one of my hamsters died. Heh.

I pray the child is happy in heaven right now and that his parents find comfort in some ways and that they receive all the support the world can give.

Anyway, I thought I really would have to excuse myself to the toilet. But things got so busy after that, returning to the rest of our work that the incident momentarily got thrown to the back of my mind. The rest of the day went quite well. I assisted in lots of procedures. I like.

Hmm. Today even started out quite well. I was waiting for a bus to work when I realized someone in this car across the road was calling to me asking me to quickly get in. At first I was like "Me?" and thoughts of not getting into strangers' vehicles came to mind. But on closer inspection I realized it was a fellow KKH staff, so when she hurried me, I just got in, not totally recovered from the surprise. It was so sweet of her to give me a ride to work. I think she is a Senior Staff Nurse. I couldn't catch her name, nor her car brand or her car plate number. But I really hope a good deed would be done to her one day for her kind deed to me.

I wonder if I'd be this sad if I'd worked in a normal emergency department where adults are also admitted. I feel, to me, seeing and resuscitating a child and then him/her either getting into a coma or death is so much more worse than seeing and resuscitating an adult whose prognosis is not good. I just can't bear looking into the face of an unresponsive, unconsious child. I just have to get used to it I guess.
In my own world,
7:39 PM

I dah TAK KISAH already. Outcasted. Keluar ke, tak keluar ke, I can't be bothered already.

Today, work was really fun. It wasn't work actually. We had the Employee Orientation Programme led by HR. The activities were really fun. There were lectures and talks by different departments, of course, but we also had activities that promotes learning and innovative thinking, teamwork and something else I can't remember. There was the minefield game (where we found out our team is very competitive), the treasure hunt, and Cross the Amazon, or something like that. Fun sia. We were so ON today. Fizah, Nadhirah, Aisha, Regina and Tini were my team members. I like them. I meant the newly-made friends. Not that I dislike Tini. But she's already my friend for 3 years, so of course, I like her too la.

Anyway, I'm realizing that I've not been blogging very properly nowadays. Like my English is deteriorating, I don't blog as detailed as before, my entries are not witty or funny or silly anymore. And I don't have many embarrassing incidents happening to me for me to blog exaggeratedly about. I'm really degrading. That's probably because I'm busy with work. And not much things are funny at work. I mean there are some laughs but most of the time it's more "internal" kind of thing and if it's about a patient, it's confidential. Or maybe, some can be told. But so far, there's no funny patient incident yet, so... you can wait.

I feel like today is the final day to goof around. I feel like after this entry, there might not be much of updating already. I think from tomorrow onwards, it'll be all work. I'm going to have to focus on my work and I feel like the stress and all the negative feelings I talked about is going to come bounding from tomorrow onwards. I don't know why, but that's how I feel. Also means that I won't be very much updated on other bloggers' life as I won't be reading them.

Maybe I'll just drop by like weeks later just to gush at how adorable kids are.

For those of you who saw Death Note, I wish for the Death God's eyes. But besides the name and the years people have left, I want to see what they do (as in for a living) and how happy they are with life.










In my own world,
9:17 PM

I just saw the NP Graduation 2008 Website. Disappointed like hell. I regret not doing well consistently, especially during the first semester of each year, namely Year 1 and 2. I hate all those B+ that I got. Who knows, by one mark I could have gotten an A. And I got a bloody whole lot of B-pluses. Suck to the core, I tell you.

Anyway, I'm updating for the sake of Aisyah. Who's probably bored. Or not anymore since she's buddy buddy with her bestie.

Work is fine. Stressed like whatever. I've been in an adult women's ward for 3 months and I'm suddenly in the pediatric emergency setting. A whole new world to me. If I could, I'd work in a normal emergency department where adults are also part of the patients. But I'm bonded to KK Women's and Children's Hospital. It's a super specialized hospital. I'm going to become a specialized nurse. Imagine that.

So, yea. I've got lots to learn, lots of confidence to build up, lots of competing, lots of pleasing to do. I'm sure along the way, I'm gonna have lots of disappointment, embarrassment, stupidity, nervousness and periods of depression, too. And I'm bloody sure, there's gonna be times when I'll be yelled at and scolded at by either my senior, the doctors or the parents, where all the negative feelings listed above will mix together and make me cry.

Oh God.







PS Definitely, Maybe is quite a boring movie. It's SOOO long, I actually thought of leaving the theatre halfway.
In my own world,
6:14 PM

I went to Lia's wedding today. I think I was more like the breeze than a guest.

Got there via cab (expensive like hell), sought her out, salam her and gave her the duit berkat. All of that took about 15 seconds, excluding the taxi ride. When she saw me, she was a teeny bit surprised and asked "You came here alone?" twice. I felt a little sympathetic when I saw her look when I told her the rest couldn't come. She just said "Oh..". If she felt disappointment, I think I know exactly how that feels like.

Anyway, after that 15 seconds in her limelight, I stood aside watching her as she continued her rounds of salam-ing people. She was in white. Her hair and make up done. Totally didn't look over the top. She looked pretty. And I only saw the back of the groom. Hahah. Seriously, I only zoomed in on my friend. Heck the groom.

I just can't believe how grown up life suddenly seems. All of my friends seems to be out of school, except one who's probably going to be a physiotherapist. Some of them are working in unexpected places. I know one who's currently in NS. I'm going to be a working adult. And now a friend is married. I might be the only one who's freaking out about all this.

I watched her for like 5 seconds and I'm off looking for a bus stop, all the while mumbling to myself "Oh my God, I don't know anyone here. I don't have the guts to eat by myself. Oh God, where am I walking? Where's the bus stop. I'm so going to get lost.... Where is the freaking bus stop???!! Oh. There it is."

Yup. That's it. I was at Lia's wedding for approximately a minute. I didn't eat, I didn't get a berkat or whatever. I didn't even get to take a photo with her. Actually I forgot to bring my camera. But even if I did brought my camera I don't think I'd be able to take a photo. She's busy salam-ing people, and I'm busy trying not to get noticed. At least the person who was video camera-ing the whole thing got the back of my head. I think. Haha.

So headed home, reading my Pediatric Emergency Care Handbook.
In my own world,
6:22 PM

1. Ride the Singapore Flyer (S$29.50).
2. Ride the DHL balloon (S$23).
3. Take the reverse bungee jump (~S$30).
4. Buy a car of my choice.+
5. Catch a movie at least once in 3 months (~S$90 - S$102).*
6. Buy a new phone (~S$200 - S$300).#
7. Save up enough for further studies in UK and/or get a scholarship (thousands and thousands of dollars).@

^During my bond period.
+Price not stated as I don't exactly know how much a car costs.
*3 years worth of movie catching.
#A phone that I will not change before my 3 years.
@HELP!
In my own world,
10:12 PM

I'm single. I'm NOT supposed to have any guy problems. But I am! It's bloody annoying. Every time I think of him or see his friendster or read his blog, what he's doing, the comments other girls are giving on his friendster, there's this gutting feeling in my stomach. I was practically groaning in pain when he replied me yesterday. Another moment in my life where I wished I didn't have any feelings.

It's not my ex I'm talking about, ok.

I think I'm going to have this heavy-stone-in-my-stomach feeling until the 14th of April, whereby I'm going to push all of these thoughts to the back and darkest corner of my mind.

Anyway, Tini, Nisa and Aisyah came to my crib today. My parents went to Malaysia for the weekend. We watched Boogeyman 2 screaming like no one's business. We played Twister. We cooked potato salad, made brownies and ordered Arnold's Chicken. We listened to old Hindi songs and Nisa and Tini danced to it.

That's the brownies.

Boogeyman 2.

Ooh! Scary!

That's the Arnold Chicken on the floor.

Dancing to Holly Valance's Kiss Kiss.

Let's get in a twist!

And now he's complimenting me? STOP! I realized I'm not emotionally strong.

On a brighter note, I finally talked to Jaclyn Chow, my good friend in secondary school, after 3 years! I miss her too much.
In my own world,
11:57 PM

I went for my first driving lesson today. I drove a car! Oh my GOD! I thought my first day the instructor would be showing me this and that. I didn't think I'd drive straight away.

My instructor today was awesome. He's funny and likes to make a lot of analogies. Actually I was hoping for someone old. Cuz I thought maybe he'll be more uncle-like, gentle. Or something. When I saw this 30-40 year old man with this cool haircut and shades, I said under my breath, "Oh mannn..". But after that, he's nice!

I hate clutches! My left leg up to my butt is gonna ache every time I drive. Anyway, I didn't hit a car or a pedestrian.

When I first started to drive after my instructor has shown me a demo, my lips were all the way mouthing the words "Oh my God, Oh my God" while putting on my seat belt. I must have done it like someone chanting cuz my instructor noticed it and asked me about it. Then he reassured me. Hahah. It's a good thing, during the handful of times when the car jerked or vibrated, I didn't shout some vulgarity. Haha.

Next lesson's on Monday. I hope I get an instructor that's as nice as the one I had today.
In my own world,
9:07 PM

Met up with Tini at KKH to collect our brand new uniforms yesterday. After that we headed to this store that sells medical related books. I purchased a book on Pediatric Emergency Care and another book on the Pediatric Dosage Handbook. If you didn't know, I'll be working in Children's Emergency in KKH. I felt like getting a head start before work starts in two weeks' time.

After that, we headed to Orchard Cineleisure to catch "Step Up 2". That place brings me LOTS of memories. All the way from secondary school till now. I guess the most memorable time I had at Cineleisure was probably when I went to watch "Haunted Apartments". That was the first time I shared my jacket with someone else. The first time that I went out with someone who was buying a gigantic Tweety Bird for his girlfriend's birthday, too.

Coming back to Cineleisure after so, so, SO long made me miss everything and everyone that I've spent my time with. I'm feeling so nostalgic!!

*Huge sigh..*

Anyway, Tini and I took neoprints! Hahaha. Classic. Step Up 2 was great. I've seen Step Up, too. Both times, I've exclaimed to the person who watched the movie with me my dream of being a great dancer. Hahah. Whatever right.

After the movie, we went straight to HMV to look for Step Up 2 soundtracks. We wanted to find out the title of the song of Moose's ringtone, which he danced to. I still don't know the title. Argh!! Hahah. And we bumped into Daphne, a fellow HS Year 3 Nursing Student. So the three of us just chilled, browsing through the albums when the song LOW by Flo-Rida came on. Tini and I were bursting to dance right there in HMV. Haha. After a while, Daphne and us went separate ways.

Walking to find a bus stop that has Bus Number 5, we bumped into another two more NP Year 3 Nursing Student, Xinyi and another girl whose name escapes me. Walked some more, and we saw Ashraf, another NP Year 3 Nursing Student. Hahah.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Tini met her boyfriend and I head home dying from my heavy bag. I think my shoulders are lopsided right now.

Today, I went to Comfort Driving Centre with my parents to book my practical lessons. I know I had my theory tests like almost 2 years ago. I guess I lost interest along the way. And I still so much prefer people driving me. When we reached I had a stomachache. I so didn't want to drive! I want a driver. Haha. But there's no turning back. My parents want me to take driving lessons.

It gave me a 2nd shock I might not ever recover from. I saw Shikin, my MI friend! She's working there temporarily right now. But still, a shock!

The first shock was when I found out my secondary school friend has become a teacher in our old school! I was looking through my sister's yearbook, searching for the first teacher I've ever had a crush on, when I saw my ex-classmate among the teachers. You have no idea how surprised I was.

Well anyway, when I saw Shikin, I went like "I don't want to grow up! I don't want to work!" The reality is like sinking in. The last time I saw these two people were when we were in school. When we were still a student. And now, we're all grown up and into the working life. Gosh. I wonder if anyone will have a shock when they see me as a full-time nurse in KKH.

So I went to register myself. Dreading it quite a bit, I should say. I think I'm scared. Haha. Anyway, so we went through all the steps, the costs and everything. Little did I know, my first practical lesson would be TOMORROW! When I heard it, I think I couldn't prevent the widening of eyes and dropping of jaw. So fast!! Oh my GAWD!!! I'm stressed out. I'm having a bout of paranoia. I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE!! Ok. Maybe that's a lie. It's more like I don't want to take driving lessons from strangers. I just wish I have the secret knowledge that I already know how to drive. So I don't have to go through all of this. But there's no backing out.

You can do this, Nadiah.

UPDATED at 2120hrs.
Finally! The song!
In my own world,
7:28 PM