Blogskin done by 16thday with image from Taringa .

I had the afternoon shift today. I LIKE! It was not as boring as I expected. I was quite busy actually. I LIKE! The EN is very nice. Makes the whole shift good. I hope I'll be in the same shift as her again. Anyway, YAY for today. I didn't get that bored.

And now I've something to look forward to when going for CA in WARD 45. Wilben! Hahah. He's a very nice PCA. Very nice. Very cool. 3 earings in one ear. Haha. He's going to be afternoon tomorrow if I'm not wrong. So will I. Yay! 2 afternoons straight with nice assistants. Today the EN, tmr the PCA.

This is what that makes me look forward to go to work and makes me like my job. Good colleagues.

I'm very normal. ;)
In my own world,
10:19 PM

Some things I like about today was that the staff nurse in charge of my team today was nice. I like her.

The other thing I like, no, LOVE about today was that I saw my favourite HCA, Richard!!! He's the HCA from the first ward I've ever been posted to. He's the nicest. He's the one who made me feel welcome when I was in the ward. What was weird about seeing him was while working today, I suddenly thought of him. I miss him a lot. Then I ended my shift and waited for the lift. The doors open and I saw him!!! I was like "Richard!" and he still remembers me. Talked while we were still in the lift. I'm really happy to see him today. Smiled all the way.

Today, I'm super tired.
In my own world,
8:28 PM

Clinical attachment started today. First thing in the morning, I was fucking pissed. The bus came late. I waited HALF an HOUR for the big fat bus. I was so pissed I wanted to cry. I was so angry I thought of telling (I can't possibly yell) the bus driver that he was super late. I thought of giving him the blackest look ever. But when it came I was relieved a little. But then the traffic was SO slow! Seriously! Why do buses that you wait for come late when other buses that you don't wait for seem to arrive every 5 seconds. Also goes for other instances. I mean seriously! Why do you keep seeing someone you don't want to see but the one you want to see seemed to have disappeared from the face of the earth? Why do you keep expecting someone who you want to call or message you to call or message you but it's always someone else that calls or messages you?

Well. I wasn't late, thank God.

First day of CA in a gerontology ward was alright. To the brink of boredom. I think I spent more time standing around waiting for something to happen than actually doing something. But I did something. I did LAST OFFICE. A patient died. I wrapped him up in a mortuary shroud. It was ok I guess. The part where his mouth was wide open was scary though. Like he was screaming at the time he took his last breath. I don't know how it got so wide open. The part where I was alone in his cubicle with him already covered from head to toe in white was a little freaky too. I didn't exactly have any feelings cuz I was new to the ward and he died before I even saw his face. No family around. I mean it's quite surprising that the nurses didn't actually show any emotions either. The environment was like "Oh another patient died. Gotta wrap him up.". Well, I'll just wish him to rest in peace.

I'm scared. Not because of the late patient. Because of the part that I'm now a second year student and I'm expected to be more observant and smarter and know stuff. It's finally kicked in that I'm going to graduate as a registered nurse. A staff nurse. It's bloody stressful, I swear.

Oh my clinical facilitator was alright actually.

And now I'm just waiting for 11pm to come. I'm gonna watch Grey's Anatomy.
In my own world,
8:26 PM

New layout. Again. But this time, I think I'm going to stick to it for quite some time. Cuz I LOVE this layout. If only I knew how to make this kind of layout. I mean, isn't it pretty? It's LOVELY!

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest coming out soon. I want to watch it cuz I liked the first one, Curse of the Black Pearl.

Last two days of holidays. Monday would be the start of my 2-week clinical attachment. I'm a little excited. But I'm not looking forward to seeing my clinical facilitator. She hardly smiles. I don't like.

Updated at 23.35 hours.
I'm suddenly feeling miserable. This mood swings is going out of hand. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster of emotions. Unfortunately, they're not all good.

I was blog-hopping. (Ok hold on a sec. Too many thoughts in my mind right now. This leading to that, and then it leading to another thing.) Ok, after reading some of them, I wish I was in their place. I wish I live where they live. I wish I was there, just let me be THERE. Well, I'm not explaining myself. It's hard. I don't know why I want to be in England so much. Bloody hell, it's so bad that I probably don't go a day without thinking of England. Must be because of all the novels that I read. I just feel that I could belong there. Not that I don't feel belonged in Singapore. I do. I love Singapore. OH! I got it! I know why I'm so into UK. It's probably because I want to experience something different, a different accent, a different weather, and all those stuff you can't find in Singapore. But then again, why UK right? Yup, it's the books that I read alright.

And then I think to myself, one day I WILL go to that place. To satisfy my craving and desires of UK. Meet a friend there. And of course to further my studies. Which leads me to another thing.

By furthering my studies, I'd have to work superly hard. I'd have to be strongly motivated. I'd have to be bloody confident in myself. By furthering my studies, it would mean that work and studies would be harder. I'd have to learn so many stuff and I could just imagine what I'd have to do. Will I have to do a research (trust me, research is fucking tedious)? Will I have to present whatever projects in front of a huge lecture theatre? Will I have friends? I should right, I mean being a nurse, and other students being nurses too, I wouldn't have to worry about cases of racism, right? Will I work well in their healthcare team? Will I achieve anything? And will I even get close to being a doctor, my dream ambition? It's a very very long journey. I'm scared I'd have to retire by the time I become a doctor! haha.

And then, somewhere around that paragraph above, my mind leads me to another thing. Am I really STAFF nurse material? I would graduate as a staff nurse. And from what I've seen during my clinical attachment, staff nurses are like leaders. They speak up, they have to know next to EVERYTHING about their patients. They have to think on their feet. They have to face the patients' family. They have to do lotsa stuff! I worry that I might not be leader material. I can't see myself having to teach juniors. I can't see myself having to face the family and explaining stuff to them. What I need is a super brain that can store loads of information and details and never ever forgets them. Like the guy who can remember every word of every book he reads and remembers every single tune he ever heard in his entire lifetime. And if I have a powerful memory, it could actually help me in all these, for example, I could straight away do what I have to do in an emergency (think on my feet).

Sometimes, I wish I wouldn't have to grow up. Sometimes, I wish I could pass up the independence, the being alone in the world, the having to stand on my own two feet and not rely on anyone anymore, namely my parents. It's a scary thought. What if I'm not ready to be 21? I don't FEEL ready. I feel like I still have a lot to learn (other than studies-wise) before growing old, even before reaching 21. Plus I also worry that I wouldn't get married. What if I'm going to be a bachelorette (the words spinster and old maid do not sound nice) forever?

And now, that I'm thinking about it (I don't know what 'it' is), I don't exactly have control over all these do I? I can't stop myself from growing older. And I can't predict the future. I don't know if I'll be an excellent nurse (or doctor), I don't know if I could find a husband. I'd have to leave it to God right? But of course, I'd have to try and persevere, work really hard and then see if it's meant to be. God's the one who writes our life plan right? He knows what's going to happen to us but He wants us to try. Only then can we back down and accept fate without regretting or feelings of disappointment and such, right? Cuz we know we've tried our best?

I don't know if what I've typed out above made sense. Am I the only soon-to-be 18 year old girl who thinks like this? Am I normal?

Haha.
In my own world,
9:00 PM

Yesterday, I went for the class outing. It was a barbecue at my lecturer's condo. Her apartment was ok. We looked at her photo albums. She was SO gorgeous. We saw her wedding photos. She's really really pretty I tell you. Then there were other pictures which was taken splendidly by her husband. I mean his photography skills are quite good. Chen Ying said her husband has always wanted to be a professional photographer. So then we met him and their son and their mother. Son, very cute. Husband, very friendly.

So had the barbecue. It was fun. There was liquor. No I didn't drink any. I can't. But some who drank seemed like they were trying to get attention. Whatever. Food was good. The Otah-otah were EXCELLENT. I love it.

And then remembered that Sher had a dental appointment. Messaged her to see how she was. She was scared until want to die like that. That's how she said it. Hahah.

Anyway, I've been studying to get my car license. I'm fucking excited! I'm registering this Friday. But the test will be a month later.

I made blog layouts. Please, kindly check them out. Click "my layouts" under Links.
In my own world,
10:35 PM

I stayed up late last night, until about two in the morning to clean up my side of the room. Oh my God the stuff that I keep! Since 2001, when I was in Sec 1. There was a box full of letters my friends gave me in school. We could talk to each other in school but noooo, we wrote to each other. And the stuff that was written in them spells out a whole new meaning to the words LAME and GEEK! I think I was the geekiest girl in my school. Gawd! Pretty humiliating that I didn't know that until now. Ok maybe I stopped being a geek when I got to sec 4. I think.

Some of the letters have turned yellow. Some stuck to each other. Some that are folded, are so fragile, I worried I'd tear them by accident. Some I can't even make out the words. Read some of the letters written to me by my friends. Some (now that I'm older and wiser), I could read between the lines. Wasn't that good. Some made me laugh out loud with disbelief. I can't believe how childish and narrow-minded we were. In all letters, there's at least a topic about a person they like or who other people like. Or who they dislike. Oh my God. Anyway, I threw most of the letters away. I mean it's not like I'm keeping them to show my grandchildren or anything. I only kept the special ones. =) Sigh.. Yup the special ones.

Then there was another box FULL of postcards. I used to collect them last time. But now, I can't wait to find someone I can write to and post them. In that box also, I found greeting cards from my family and special friends. It almost brought tears to my eyes as I recall the fond memories. I found the birthday card by NATALIE KOH my junior! Omg it's so sweet la. In one envelope, there were like 3 handwritten letters, then there were quotes and friendship stuff and there was this birthday card with a picture of Vic Zhou in it! It's so sweet. I miss her.

Then there was this Hari Raya card by Jaclyn and her sister and her maid! She posted it. It was so sweet ok. They personalized it so much that I can see the effort. Made me smile a lot! I don't think I'm EVER going to throw it away.

Then there's birthday cards and other occasion greeting cards from long long time ago that I think they could pass off as something buried from centuries ago.

Oh and James, I still have the brown envelope and the wrapping paper that you wrapped the book with that you airmail me. The whole package! Hahaha. I don't know why I keep them.

Anyway, I'm off to get ready to go out.

Bye.
In my own world,
12:08 PM

Went to my aunt's house today. Just for a visit. My cousin dah sunat. Cute gitu pakai kain ngan hanger. He's sooo cute! My cousins are super good-looking la.

Then went to meet Taz at Pasir Ris Inter. She said 4pm but I waited for more than an hour la. She didn't even apologize. Maybe she didn't realize. I don't like to wait for people for very long.

Took the train to Bugis, to Arab Street. I needed to buy cloth for my outfits. I finished my shopping so fast. I thought it was going to take much longer figuring which cloth I should buy. But it was a breeze really. Altogether, they cost me $80. I don't know if that's cheap or what cuz I've never bought cloth for tailor-making an outfit. So all the way after that, I kind of worried that it might be over budget or the materials are not the right ones or I bought at the wrong shop where it's more expensive. But thank God when I got home, my mom didn't yell at me. I think she approved.

So anyway, Taz and I went to Bugis, Bugis Village, etc. Browsing about. I need to stress again, that I hate crowded places. Super crowded la the shopping areas. I just wanted to get out of the place.

Then we got tired and went to Al-Majlis to meet Taz's other friends. It was nice meeting them and I drank Iced Chocolate. Yum.

OH OH OH!!! HOW CAN I FORGET?! I SAW 2 OF THE ANUGERAH GUYS!!!!! I was on my way to Arab Street to get my cloth. We had to cut across this shopping mall. And then I heard the song Nadya. Someone was singing it on stage! I looked over the crowd and saw Khairil Yusoff and Syed Azmir!!! I was already squealing and squeezing Taz's hand. I was fucking excited la! They were singing my song! Ok ok a song with my name in it. And in the middle, Khairil was like "Anybody here by the name of Nadiah (Nadya/Nadia)?" in Malay. And can you believe nobody there had that name??? And I thought it was common. It was fucking too bad I was way at the back and Khairil didn't see me. Damn the whole thing. He was sooooo cute!!! OH MY GOD!! I finally got to see them up (not so)close & (not so)personal!! I was super excited. And they were singing my song!!

Anyway, something random. Let me tell you my favourite finger. It's my 4th finger! The one next to my pinkie. Yea. My favourite finger.

And I'm so excited to get to the tailor and have her make my outfit!
In my own world,
12:29 AM

In a woman's world...
All men would be tailor-made.
High heels wouldn't hurt.
Figures would improve with age.
And doors would open automatically, even on cars.

In a woman's world...
All chocolate would be fat-free.
Men would listen (and remember).
Shopping would be an aerobic activity.
And women could change their minds
as often as their car interiors.

In a woman's world...
Husbands would give birth.
Daily foot massages would be corporate policy.
Toilet seats would automatically go back down.
And there would be no glass ceilings, only sunroofs.

=) Yeahh.

Anyway, mum's given the ok sign to let me tailor-made my Hari Raya outfit this year. Decided to make two. Here's what I came up with. All I need to do now is go shopping for cloths and find a good tailor. The blue dress, I drew it long long time ago in 2004. I'm going to make something like that for one of my outfit. I'm going to modify it to long sleeves like the 2nd picture, and the colour would be white and lilac/lavender. Yup.


In my own world,
1:33 PM

I'm the most terrible person in the whole world. I feel so bad about what I said that I wanted to die. I didn't mean for anyone to read what I wrote. I just wanted to let it all out. What a stupid fool I am. The worst kind. It's so bad I might not even mind if someone tries to kill me.

The humiliation is so great. Like Great Wall of China or the Great Tsunami or something. I can't face the world anymore.

Then Tini said I should talk it out with him. I can never face a single hair of his already let alone talk to him. God! I just want to take my heart and throw it down my 13 storey flat la. I cannot talk to him after all this la. I wish I was never born. I'm a terrible person. I want to sleep and never wake up. And cry my whole body fluid out.

I'm going to hate school from now on la. Everyone hates me. I wish I was born with a disease called "Deficiency of Feelings". Then maybe the super God doctor can install a "Robotic Feelings machine" with an on/off switch button so that I can switch off whatever terrible feelings I encounter. That's definitely how I can survive in this world.

God hates me. He's punishing me. I'm super sure of that that if I get to ask Him, he'll say, "Yes, you're a bad person and I'm punishing you for being stupid and bloody arrogant." OK so some people will say I brought it down on myself.

This is the worst day of my life.

So I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. Everyone does that one time or another. I don't know why I'm so defensive. What's left to defend man? My fucking dignity has bloody disappeared into the Milky Way or the Black Hole or in Bermuda Triangle la.

I told Felicia also. She's really good at comforting someone. She's a good friend. And so is Tini. The best! But I'm not going to get over this that soon. No way. God will never let me forget it so soon. He'll never let me forget it.

I hate myself. I really do. I don't think I can ever be happy. I shall now be someone who people can't get close to, who never talks, who never looks into people's eyes. I'm going to be someone anonymous and low-lying, so low, I'm under the heaviest rock and even dust is above me.

Now let me go and cry peacefully.

I AM SO SORRY!
In my own world,
8:54 PM

Anyway, something so sweet just happened. He went online, IM-ed me "Nadiah, tmr I give you chocolate k? see ya. =) bye." And immediately went offline. Hahah like so shy like that. Aiyoh, like small boy! Cute nye..
In my own world,
7:47 PM

Just a short break from studying. I was so stressed yesterday studying NSS 1.2 and Pharmacology I wanted to cry.

Monday, NSL paper. Went home with Sher. Waited for 154 which seemed like it was never coming. Then 184 came and my NP Cute Guy(!!!) alighted. And right behind 184 was 154. Hahah we almost wanted to cross over and take the bus from the opposite bus stop. Thank God we waited that long. =)

Today, NSS 1.1 paper. Sher was forever teasing me about something, or rather someONE. It was the ultimate embarrassment cuz he was there the whole time. I wanted to strangle Sher but I'd make it too obvious. Went home with Sher. At Clementi bus stop, I saw my NP Cute Guy(!!!) again.

Wow. Now I can predict I won't see him again for a long long time cuz it's just impossible that my luck could be so good that I'll see him everyday. And I definitely think nothing will happen before we both graduate. So saddening!

OK! Back to studying. Ciao!

PS What do you think of this phone? Click here!
In my own world,
6:15 PM

I can't stand the way she hints around like she likes him or something. "I know you like me la", "Come I date you", and she wrote this equation thing. Irritating. Stop hinting and just stead him la. Aiyoh. You two look like couples anyway.

Then this other girl. She and her boyfriend. Menyampah sak!

*shakes off anger and disgust*

Anyway, I got my pantsuit uniform. I think I mistakenly got a pyjamas instead la. Walao. So loose la the top. Need to alter.

Wah, I love the smell of my hair.

Common tests are next week. I'm going to fail for NSS 1.2.
In my own world,
5:21 PM

Watching Singapore Idol right now. First Piano Show. Omg! I'm so scared and nervous la. It's either Paul Twohill or Terence Tay. One of them will get in. I WANT PAUL TWOHILL!!!!!

*pause*

YAY!!!!!!!!!! PAUL GOT IN!!!!!!!!! Hahaha!

He's singing Here Without You by 3 Doors Down. Super good choice la!

Anyway, today I saw my NP Cute Guy at the bus stop while going to school! He saw me also. And at the bus stop he was like, casually turning to the right, then casually turning to the left, like he's searching. Then he turned back and saw me! I quickly tore my eyes away from him. He's sooo cute! And I think he like's white also. Same as me! Hahah. I think he knows I like him. Don't know how, but I think he knows. Aiyah.. I hope something happens before we both graduate.
In my own world,
8:56 PM