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I've been stupid. I fell for his charms once again, and once again I hoped for something good to come out of it. I'm back to reading "He's just not that into you" again. And I really think this is it. I'm sick of his disappearing acts in my life. I'm sick of falling prey to his charms. I'm sick of having my hope crushed every single time. I've had it. I think this time I'm really going to rid him from my life. Obviously he's just not that into me and if he think he can find someone better, so be it.

I deserve better too...

School has been fine. So many assignments and projects. I DO NOT WANT TO BE THE GROUP LEADER! I can't lead. I end up bearing the brunt of the work not because I hate group work or that I want all the credit, but because I don't know how or what to delegate for them to do. I worry that I would be asking too much from them and that I give them too much work.

Actually I came here to vent my strong feelings against children abuse. I was SO MAD to the point of tears when I heard or read about news of children abuse. But the song I'm playing on repeat has soothed my anger. I am still mad though when I think back of the stories. I hate the abuser so much to the extent that I go blind with rage. Literally. I couldn't see anything that I can remember when I get that angry. Hot tears would spring to my eyes though. Maybe that's the cause that everything got blur.

I'm really pissed. All the abusers should be caught and tortured and then sentenced to death no matter if the kid is still alive or not. Worst still if the kid dies because of the abuse. I really want to stress on the torture part. They're being let off too easily by being sentenced to death. I think they should get triple of what they'd done to the kids. But then again, God will do the works once the abusers die anyway.
In my own world,
6:30 PM

Dear Diary,

Something bad happened between him and me. No, we didn't fight. There were no heated arguments, no raised voices. But.. it has finally dawned on me that it's really over. Like, nothing could ever happen. Ever. He's confused, and he's confusing me.

He only sees me as a friend and only wants to be a friend to me, but when asked if he treats me like he treats his friends, the answer was no. What am I then?

Oh my God.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. If this kind of situation (my love problem) was a scenario in a "How are you when it comes to relationship?" quiz, and if the options were,

A: Call and text him everyday and beg him till he realizes that you're the one for him.
B: Be patient, follow his time, go with the flow, and wait for him till he realizes you're the one.
C: Get over him and find someone else who'd love for you to be around and treats you well.
D: Kill yourself,

and if it was in the year 2004, when I was 16 years old, when I was emotionally-innocent, never had a boyfriend, when I haven't met him, my answer would have been 'C'. To hell with a guy who doesn't treat me right. I deserve better.

But, November 2008 came, and I met him, feelings and emotional roller-coaster ever since. Until last Sunday, my answer changed to 'B'. I was sure I could wait and just be content with being with him, no need to meet his friends or family if he doesn't want me to, let him hold the string tied to my heart that I'm wearing on my sleeve. Sometimes, he'd let go, but I always had that tiny spark of hope that he'd reach for me when I'm going just out of reach.

Last Sunday came and went and I realized how contradicting he was. When he asked if I think he was using me, I was surprised that I couldn't look him in the eye and answer straight away. I wanted to yell at him, tell him how ridiculous his words were. But I know after the first word that comes out of my mouth, I'd break down and cry. And I HATE to talk and cry at the same time, making the words sound round, and you just look so ugly with the corners of your lips turned down. So I just kept quiet. In bed, it dawned on me that it really is over. I realized that even if he was for me, I wasn't for him, that he makes me very happy but I can't make him happy enough.

For a moment, I blamed his ex-girlfriend for ruining him for me. For making him so afraid of commitment, so afraid to open up. But then I thought of the first time we met. He liked me enough to actually consider having me around in the future. And then he went missing. And I shifted the blame to myself, thinking if I did something else, if I hadn't done this or that, we'd be having a 2nd anniversary or something. But then I thought, what I did that I thought made him run wasn't life-threatening, it wasn't hurtful, wasn't intentional. Sigh... I don't know what to think or who to blame anymore. I still wished he had never met his ex though.

Whatever. The main point is, it's over. And the thing that kinds of brings relief to me despite knowing that I can't have him, is that my hope is flickering. Unlike last time, when I think of how one day he'll contact me back and wants to see me again, the thought quickly disappears, brushing it away from my mind, my hope for him is finally fading to complete blackness, the days of me pining for him is ending.

Am I finally healing?
In my own world,
8:37 PM

Oh no.

I feel like crying.

Please. Stop.

I've never been much of a crier, until about 2 years back.

Ouch, ouch, OUCH!
In my own world,
4:32 PM

All my life I prayed for someone like you
And I thank God that I finally found you
All my life I prayed for someone like you
And I hope that you feel the same way too
Yes, I pray that you do love me too.

In my own world,
4:06 PM

I need love, love to ease my mind
I need to find, find someone to call mine

But mama said you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
I can't hurry love, no, you'll just have to wait
You've gotta trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes

How many heartaches must I stand
Before I find the love to let me live again
Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on
When I feel my strength, yeah it's almost gone

I remember mama said
You can't hurry love
No you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
How long must I wait, how much more must I take
Before loneliness, will cause my heart, heart to break?

No, I cant bear to lve my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
These precious words keep me hangin' on

I remember mama sayin' you can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
I can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said trust, give it time
No matter how long it takes, gotta wait!

No love, love don't come easy
But I keep on waiting
Anticipating for that soft voice
To talk to me at night
For some tender arms to hold me tight
I keep waiting, I keep on waiting
But it ain't easy (it ain't easy)
No, you know it ain't easy

When mama said
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said, trust give it time, no matter how long it takes
You can't hurry love, no, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy it's a game of give and take
In my own world,
5:47 PM

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now,
A wish right now,
A wish right now.

I've cooked 2 dishes two days in a row. It's traditional Malay dishes, so nothing surprising. Just wanted to learn the basics first. You know.. just in case.

Yesterday I cooked Daging Masak Kicap. It was good. As in, acceptable, not bad for a first-timer. Today I cooked Ayam Masak Lemak Cili Padi. Again, I passed.

I want to bake some brownies tomorrow. From scratch. Not from the prepackaged boxes you see on the shelves of supermarkets. Chocolate Fudge Brownies.

Hmm.. I really don't know what to type about. It's just a distraction from thinking about stuff. I just wanna get rid of the feelings eating away at my heart.

After a long pause...

While watching Prince of Persia, he said he wants the dagger, to turn back time. Well, so do I. I probably want it more than him. I've been wishing to turn back time so that I could change things and not be so depressed like I am today. But everyone knows that impossible, turning back the time I mean.
In my own world,
10:00 PM

I think I'm suffering from depression.
In my own world,
1:21 PM

I don't have much to do today. I'm just loving the weather. It would be awesome if I had the house all to myself, turn on a movie or two on my flat screen, have a cup of hot chocolate in my hands while I cuddle up under a comforter on a couch.

My sisters are at home. I have no movie I wanna watch (except for PS I Love You, but I'm currently reading the book, so I'm waiting to finish it first). I'm too lazy to make a cup of hot chocolate because there's really nothing cosy about sitting on a couch staring at a blank TV screen.

So I'm on my tummy on my bed instead, typing up an entry because I felt like writing a composition. You know like for English period in school. But to think of it, I have nothing to compose.

I cried yet again last night while praying to God. He hurt me yet again. He must be really tired to misinterpret everything I say and snap at me about it. To tell you the truth, I'm getting pretty sick of it. I don't know why I'm still putting up with it. Every time he snaps at me, instead of answering back like I want to, I'd swallow my mean words and try to make everything right again. Which doesn't really help cuz he's kinda hard-headed. I don't know why I make him feel like he's God. To think of it, out of all the times I got hurt by him, it's either he doesn't care or he doesn't notice, cuz he never apologizes. God, I'm just sick of it. But that's only now. Wait till I'm nearing my menstrual cycle and you'll see how depressed I'd get. It's pathetic.

All I want is to be loved back. I wanna feel light on my toes, smile for no reason, have the butterflies flutter in my tummy till I feel like shitting.

I'm getting by with God to talk to. He calms me. I've got my books which distracts me from thoughts that I'd rather not mull about. It's my escape. Like how some people sleep it off, I read.

Did I tell you I love the weather today? It's been raining on and off and is cloudy and dark and gloomy and cool the whole day. It's perfect.
In my own world,
6:16 PM

Previous night, I dreamt that I was about 4 months pregnant. In it, instead of feeling joy, I felt scared. Maybe it's got to do with the fact that in the dream, I wasn't married with a husband. And although there was a guy in my dreams, I felt that the baby wasn't his. I didn't know who the father was. I'm not promiscuous at all. I just happened to be pregnant. I was fearful of what the guy and my family would think.

My quickened heart rate didn't slow down even after I woke up. To describe the feeling, I'd say it's the kind of feeling when you wake suddenly in the wee hours of the morning thinking you're late for an important meeting. The sudden pick up of the heart made you feel like vomiting and hyperventilating.

At work last night, I held an adorable baby boy in my arms. He was almost falling asleep, suckling his pacifier. How my heart yearned for my own. When my friend asked if I wanted a baby or if I'm ready for one, I was surprised at my quick answer, "Yes", and the longing feeling that rushed over me.
In my own world,
8:18 AM

I went on a vacation to Phuket, Thailand and I had quite a blast.

The first day, when we reached our hotel, we were disappointed. And that was even before we stepped into our hotel room. The hotel was sandwiched between two massage parlor and everyday we'll see the women in their colour-coded sarongs sitting outside the parlor persuading passers-by to get a massage. The lobby was small. But it wasn't the smallest lobby I've stepped into before.

And then we get to our room. My jaw dropped and we started laughing in disbelief. It was SO not what we thought it would be like. In the pictures, the room looked big. It was a suite afterall. But when we opened the door, it was quite cramped. The balcony was so tiny, there weren't a thought of hanging out there. Oh, by the way, did I mention that to get to our room, we had to take the stairs? Yea. The lift only serviced the other side of the building. So up and down two flights of winding stairs we had to encounter at least 4 times a day. But we got used to it, and came to accept our room. It was passable.

Over the 4 days and nights, we did activities and sightseeing. We did most of our shopping in the night markets where it's relatively cheap and bargaining for a cheaper price is possible.

One of my friends and I did bungee jumping! I still can't believe I did that. I keep thinking back on the experience. The staff wrapping our calves really tight together with long rubber bands until I swore when they removed it, I could feel the warm flow of blood filling up the cappillaries in my toes, turning them from purple to pink. The long minutes as they bring us up 50m up above a lagoon surrounded by lush tropical green. We couldn't believe how fast it was, from the moment we reached the place by van and ending up standing hugging each other over the edge of the tower, seconds from our plunge. I was petrified. I took sometime to let go of the railings so that the staff can push us off the edge. And when finally my fingers released the railing and clutched my other hand desperately wrapped for dear life around my friend, the staff held us and rocked us gently back and forth, counting 3-2-1 and pushed us off! I screamed in sheer terror all the way till the end. It was definitely thrilling. I only opened my eyes after we were bouncing up and down. Very terrifying. As they led us back to the ground, I had tears in my eyes and my hair was in a mess and my legs seemed incapable of holding my weight as I stood upright. Oh my God. That was the most expensive thing I spent in my entire trip. We got a certificate of courage. Haha.

Besides that, we went to a shooting range where if they hadn't given us the ear muffs, I would have gone deaf. The pistol was surpisingly heavy. Very different from the toys I used to have when I was little. Well, it was very cool.

The third day of our trip we spent half the day island hopping. We went to this island and that island in a luxury boat, stopping for a dip in the sea, or for snorkeling while feeding the fishes. There was the Maya Beach, Phi Phi Island, Viking cave, etc. The views were fantastic. The food provided was good. And the co-captain (or at least one of the leaders of the tour group) knows my name. Haha.

On the forth day, we spent the day going around Phuket to the viewpoints. We had the best driver named Tossapon, whom we call Pon. Not only does he drive well, he's funny and adorable and takes good pictures. He's very helpful, from helping us 'climb' up and down a rocky mountain at Promthep Cape, to taking our pictures a million times, to showing us the best souvenir shop. Though he's on the shy and quiet side, he hardly hesitates to take plenty of pictures together with us, just him with us girls. He's young, about 24, younger than my three friends, older than me, so they all kind of treat him like a little brother. He seemed innocent enough, with no girlfriends in mind, having the goal to get a house and make some money first before getting one. So anyway, the viewpoints were awesome!! The view of the islands and the sea from the top of a cliff was breathtaking. The sunset was amazing. I was in such awe. I especially love the viewpoint at Promthep Cape. Not only was the journey to the cliffside challenging, with me slipping on the rocks and pebbles many times, but the view there was picture perfect, fit for a postcard. It was a lucky thing that the weather was good on that day. It was humid but the sun didn't beat us down with it's relentless rays like it did while we island hop the day before. We could have suffered from heatstroke and dehydration from climbing up and down the mountain if it was a cloudless, sunny day. We were exhausted when we got back to the main road. But we had so much fun.

That night, we explored a stretch of road full of club houses and pubs. There were pole dancing, women (he-she) clad it little tight dresses dancing on a podium, those sort of thing. It kind of freaked me out a little. That road was busy and crowded and it was only 9pm. After that, we had a late dinner with Pon at a seafood restaurant. Yummy! Yea, we invited Pon along cuz we really liked him.

Pon picked us up from the hotel in the morning to drive us to the airport. He remembered that we wanted to buy some Thai tidbits and made a stopover at one of the shops on the way to the airport. I was utterly and deeply touched when he gave each of us a gift before saying goodbye at the airport. It was so sweet of him and I really didn't expect it. Sigh...

Each time I leave a place where I spent my vacation, there are sure things and moments that would make my heart so heavy before I get on the flight back home.

And now it's back to reality and back to work. How horrible is my life?
In my own world,
2:57 PM

Too many guys simply rolled over these days, thinking that being nice was all that mattered. And it did matter, but not if the guy equated being nice with being a doormat. I liked the fact that a guy would take me fishing, for example, even though I wouldn't be enthusiastic about it. It's his way of telling me, "This is who I am, and this is what I enjoy, and of all the people I know right now, I want to enjoy this experience with you." Too often, when a guy asked me out, he picked me up without the slightest idea of what to do or where to go, eventually forcing me to come up with the plan. There was something so wishy-washy and clueless about that. He was anything but wishy-washy, and I couldn't help liking him for that.

I was struck by the thought that this was the man with whom I'd like to face the future. I know I'm too young for such thoughts and am under no illusion that I was even considering marriage, but somehow I felt that if I had met him ten years from now, he might be the one. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is not whether he was good for a few dates; it was whether he was the kind of man I could imagine spending time with over the long haul.

There are guys who grow up thinking they'll settle down some distant time in the future, and there are guys who are ready for marriage as soon as they meet the right person. The former bore me, mainly because they're pathetic; and the latter, quite frankly, are hard to find. But it's the serious ones I'm interested in, and it takes time to find a guy like that whom I'm equally interested in. I mean, if the relationship can't survive the long term, why on eath would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?
In my own world,
7:10 PM

He is a wonderful man. And when a man is that special, you know it sooner than you think possible. You recognize it instinctively, and you're certain that no matter what happens, there will never be another one like him.
In my own world,
10:00 PM

It's deeply unfashionable to admit to wanting to marry into money, of course. It's the implication of calculated greed that people don't like. But all women will weigh up a prospective partner's wealth if they're really honest. Which would you rather, the date who takes you somewhere fancy for dinner and picks up the tab, or the geezer who takes you down the pub and tells you it's your round? I mean, come on. It'a a no-brainer. Some psychologists will even tell you that women are biologically programmed to look for a man with money. Not all women are chasing billionaires, but unconsciously all women look for a mate who is strong, reliable and able to support their children. Ultimately it's got nothing to do with love and everything to do with a biological urge: find a man who can provide for you and your nippers.

-Lucy Broadbent from What's Love Got To Do With It?

Well, I for one, agree to that. To a certain extent, of course. I definitely want a man who's able to take care of me financially. I want to know that I don't have to worry about the fees when I send my kids to music classes and ice skating lessons and tuitions. I want to know that I can afford a car to drive my kids every where and myself to work. I want to know that I can give birth to as many kids as I'm blessed with or maybe even adopt some because I have the money to raise them. I want to know that I'm able to hire a day housekeeper to keep the house clean twice a week.

On the other hand, I'd LOVE to have someone to love who loves me back with all their hearts. I love to have romantic evenings together and experience the tingling sensation when we touch and the joyous swell in my heart every morning I wake up with him next to me or when he comes home from work. I'd love to know that even with money, my kids are not spoilt brats. I'd love to know that I have love and am in love even with tonnes of money.

Some say love conquers all. But I have difficulty believing that I can survive with love and a 3-digit in my back account. Trying to pay off bills, working my ass off, getting pissed with each other when money matters come up.

Hmm.. I wonder how many digits there would be in my future husband's bank account. That's only if I find a husband. My soul mate could have probably died and I'm gonna grow old a spinster. Such an ugly word.
In my own world,
3:10 AM

I'd love to have my wedding in a castle. A partially ruined castle, full of mystique and charm and history.

The castle is set on a vast land on a highland where the ground is carpeted with soft dewy grass that stretches as far as the eye can see, sloping gradually into the horizon, and clusters of purple morning glories, red ixoras, and white queen anne's lace littered all over. Roses, daisies, lilies and sunflowers surrounds the outer wall of the castle, making a break at the entrance, where a drawbridge lay open across a moat where clear water runs, home of many colourful kois. Birds soar through the air, which is clean, fresh and cool, where each breath you take wipes 5 years of pollution from your lungs.

(Yes, a moat AND a drawbridge.)

The atmosphere pre-arrival of the bride and groom is lively as guests begin to come in and their children start to run about playing catch with each other or chasing butterflies. The helpers, maids and servants in crisp black and white uniforms bustle about the castle preparing for the event. Guests are called into the castle as my new husband and I are about to arrive, mostly lining up inside the archway into the inner courtyard, and some on the towers looking down.

My husband and I would ride up the dirt road leading us up to the entrance on a rich brown horse, accompanied by men dressed as knights on their own steed, in front and behind us. As we reach the drawbridge, trumpets resonated through the castle announcing our arrival, and people will wave and clap and whoop with excitement and approval.

(On a horse, not a carriage.)

We stop at the foot of the steps that leads up to the Great Hall where the reception is taking place. Maids remove my hooded cloak. We walk up the steps, arms linked, and stop by the entrance of the hall to receive and welcome our guests as they enter and proceed to their tables for a grand feast. I'm wearing a dress that is inspired by medieval Britain, an empire-line dress made from beautiful Thai silk with a flowing silk chiffon overskirt and sleeves, a medium train and on-the-shoulder neckline. The neckband, waist and sleeves are embroidered with celtic inspired knotwork, and the dress is tied by ribbon up the back. My man, simple white long-sleeved shirt, loosely belted at the waist, open at the neck, black breeches tucked into black boots, and maybe a real sword hanging at the hips.




(It's a reception. Solemnization was the day before, done elegantly in a mosque.)

In the Great Hall things are slightly modernised and personal. Clothed round tables are scattered around the hall, leaving space in the middle for a goldenrod-coloured carpet running up to a wide space of parqueted flooring, that is the dance floor. Slightly beyond, is a dais where a table is set for the wedding couple and the family. The hall is nicely lit by a huge crystal chandelier and the candles on the tables. As the guests settle into their seats, the air buzzing with excited conversations, punctuated by happy laughters, glasses tinkering as the waiters begin to pour sparkling juice, all against a background of light music, thanks to a small orchestra and a singer playing on a platform at the corner in front of the hall, my husband and I went to freshen up and change outfits.

(Juice, cuz I don't drink. And I don't want drunkards at my wedding.)

I'm donned in a white or very light metallic gold rich satin gown with a train, a square neckline and lacy sleeves. It's ruched a little at the waist and little crystals adorn the bodice and tapers down to the skirt. And white gloves that reach up till my elbow. My husband is wearing a long black tail coat over cream double buttoned vest, a white shirt with a cravat tied at the neck, and fawn-coloured pair of breeches tucked into dark brown boots.





The guests stand and cheer as he leads me up the carpet from the back of the warmly lit hall to the dais. We stand in front of our table where our family has already been seated and make a short happy, grateful speech. The singer, acting as an emcee as well, makes a toast, and we begin the feast. It's a multiple course dinner where the menu touches dishes from different cultures: Malay, Chinese, Indian, Italian, Western, etc. The food is amazing.

(Dishes are served in moderate and appropriate amounts, of course.)

Love songs are playing live in the background. You can hear conversations, children laughing, cutleries on plates and bowls, glasses tinkling, muted footsteps of the waiters going around serving the guests, the occassional gasps as beautifully arranged dishes are brought forward, cameras clicking. The atmosphere is lively, light and happy, you can sense the awe and satisfaction of the guests, everyone is looking beautiful in the candlelight.

There's a break from eating and my husband and I surprise everyone with a dance or two that we've planned. And then as other dishes are served, instead of resuming eating, we walk about the hall to each table and have a light chat with friends and families, hugs and kisses peppered in, lights flashing as we take photos.

After the last dish has been served and cleared and the guests are having a rest with a sip or two of the juice, my husband and I left again for another change of clothes. This time something less formal. I don't really know what he's gonna wear but I'm wearing a mint green, loose fitting, knee length dress that features a high neck halter neckline with thin straps that cross the open back. Ruched fabric accentuates the bust line and the empire waist is accented with sparkling beadwork.



As we run up the steps to the doors of the hall, spotlights shine at us as we skipped up to the dancefloor. The lights are dimmed further and colourful flashes of lights start to swing across the room and the orchestra are joined by a band and they start a catchy, upbeat song. The emcee yells into the microphone and get the guests up on their feet to the dancefloor. And the party begins.

---------------------------THE END-----------------------------

Hahaha. God, how I wish.
In my own world,
11:43 AM

My social skills definitely suck. I'm pretty much anti-social.
In my own world,
11:41 AM